The Secret

Darlings,

Where do I begin?
It's been nearly 3 months since my last post.

I'm not going to lie, things have been rather...difficult.
Growing pains of the worst kind.
September was filled with job hunting, jobs that fell through, crippling anxiety attacks and angst towards life in general.

Its not easy to admit.
Whether it's a Funk, the Blues, or The Mean Reds, winter is more than just a season.
It's the reason I haven't written - I felt like I had nothing to say.
I was wallowing so badly that I would have been embarrassed to just sit here and complain.

That was then.

When you choose the road less traveled, as I have, you learn (quickly!) that things can change at the drop of a hat.  But it's usually preceded by a shift in attitude.
Don't get me wrong, I was going thru a spell of "bad luck" as we all do, and being away from my family only makes it harder; but indulging in self-pity is hardly the fast track to success.

I finally just said "screw this" and headed to my dusty bookshelf.  Out came Napoleon Hill's "Think & Grow Rich."  Yes ladies and gentleman, the OG of self-help books.   
I've since read several other books and would you believe EVERY single one of them (including Tony Robbins) quote Hill at some point. 

While visualizing and writing "I am a billionaire by 2015" may seem far fetched and unrealistic, it kinda beats "my life sucks!" being affirmed over and over again. 
(Truth be told, six months after watching "The Secret" in Toronto and visualizing The Empire State Building, I was back in New York, working around the corner from guess which building?)

This past Thanksgiving was spent with best friends who have become my family.
I am TRULY blessed to have them in my life, they have embraced me as if we've been together forever.
I left the city early to spend more time with them and within 10 minutes of my arrival there was wine poured and we were sitting by the fire catching up...

Not long after I arrived, another friend showed up who was MISERABLE.
I don't recall him complaining about anything in particular, just life in general, and it was awful.
Here we were vibe-ing, drinking, music-ing and all out reveling in each other's company - when this guy (we'll call him "Negative Ned") showed up and disturbed our fabulous eco-system.

Don't get me wrong; I am a VERY loyal friend.
If you need me, I'll be there, everyone who knows me knows that...and I will always listen if you need to vent, and even come up with a solution - that's what friends are for.
But if you're miserable with no aspirations other than to spread your doom around (like the friend who told me my recent job prospect probably "won't work out")  there's a reason we don't see each other as much. 

Life is hard enough as it is, Negative Ned's be damned.

And for those of you who think I'm being a hypocrite because I spent the fall luxuriating in despair, think again.  During that time I hosted guests from Toronto, Houston, Johannesburg  (and Toronto again!) and I STILL managed to laugh and drink and twerk my way through it, knowing that "this too shall pass."   

As for my anxiety attacks?
Turns out I've developed a reaction peanut butter. 
Stomach pains, heart palpations and hives were a result of peanuts, not stress.
Phew.

On a serious note, the Holidays can be tough.

While my real family is piecing their lives together after Alison's death last summer...my Thanksgiving family shares our pain as they have suffered similar losses, many years ago...
Still, there was laughter, singing, a beautiful prayer before dinner courtesy of Aunt Donna (on speakerphone because she was traveling) and yes, some tears too.
(Even now, after mentioning Alison, I had to step away from this computer and have a good long cry.)

Here's the thing.  Life goes on because it has to. 
There are people who are depending on us, and who need us - and we may not even meet them.
It's the reason I write this blog.

If I am lucky enough to be alive and well than I'm going to be of use and enjoy my time while I'm here.  Like Drew and I said before the family for dinner arrived last week, "It's a good Life."
Even Negative Ned came around. 
He picked up the tab for our MANY cocktails Thanksgiving Eve and managed to enjoy his night.

Just don't tell him I told you : )

Things haven't been the same

Since you came into my life

You've found a way to touch my soul

And I'm never, ever, ever gonna let it go

 

Happiness lies in your own hands

It' took me much too long to understand

How it could be

Until you shared your Secret with me

 

Something's coming over

Mmm mmm something's coming over

Mmm mmm something's coming over

Something's coming over me

My baby's got a Secret

 

~ Madonna