Summertime Sadness

For Alison.

Hi Lovelies,

I started writing this ages ago because I couldn't finish or decide on a title.
Never fear, I am here.

Sadly, so are the dog days of summer.
Sigh.

Those of us in the Northern Hemisphere are bracing ourselves for cooler weather, shorter days, and back to school nostalgia.  I doesn't matter how old I get, I still get butterflies when I see the those "back to school" reminders - and there's a part of me that will always think of the fall as "the REAL  beginning" of  a new year.

And I suppose it is.

Summer is my favorite time of the year, but after last year's tragedy, I wondered if summer would feel the same for our family.  The end of July marked the one year anniversary of Alison's death, and the week leading up to that day was awful.  I could barely get out of bed.  All I could think of was what my cousin and his family must have been going through. 

I was overwhelmed with sadness.

According to my friend who lost her brother 11 years ago - "There is never a time it doesn't suck.  You find joys in life (she has 2 boys and a lovely husband) and you continue on, but there are days when it's just so unfair..."

Things got a bit easier (or should I say "easier") after the day itself.
Thanks (once again) to Drew I was surrounded by friends, and a one-day sleepover that lasted for days.
(I mean, if you ain't twerking, you ain't workin') 
It felt good to laugh.

Going to Miami in June was good for me because I left with a "life's a beach" attitude, and it's lasted.
Financial/job stress can ruin your life, but it can also force you deal with what is - simply because you have no other choice.  (Can't afford to get my hair done? Fine, I'll rock the curly afro mess as if I planned it that way.  Isn't that why God invented humidity after all?)

There have been many summers when I didn't see my friends as much, or get mom on the phone, because I was working all the time.  This year though, I let myself just be and decided to trust in what would happen next.  Yes, there have been job interviews and business plans, but my connections with the people I love have been the priority.

And luckily for me, more traveling.  I just got back from a weekend in Maine with my best friends who happen to be sisters.  One of which said goodbye to one decade and hello to another.  There was wine, champagne, and beer on the beach. 
Yes y'all, a woman turned 40 and rocked a mean bikini on the shores on New England.

It was an emotional time for them too. 
Like C said the night before her birthday "I never thought I'd turn 40 without my dad..."
Every family has their pain...and even when it doesn't sting as much, there are birthdays, anniversaries, and holidays.

I hope this post doesn't sound as dismal as I think it does.
Because honey, there were LOTS of laughs this summer (I would have written more blogs but was too hungover!) 

Here's to wine, champagne, SHOTS, matching manicures with my best friend's 8 year daughter, more twerk videos than our iPhones can handle, the most envious tan I've ever had, our "deep" analysis of every Madonna video ever made, my first time on a jet-ski (better than sex! Who knew?) Maine, Miami, Boston, Monroe, Philly, The Jersey Shore, Franklin Lakes and guests from Johannesburg, Toronto, and Cali.

Cheers to you, to Alison, and the 2013 Summer of Love, Lust, and Laughter.    

 

 

I think I'll miss you forever

Like the stars miss the sun in the morning skies

Late is better than never

Even if you're gone I'm gonna drive (drive, drive)

I've got that summertime, summertime sadness

~ Lana Del Rey



I'm with you.

Another emotional weekend.

Thankfully, God was watching and I was among friends who understood.
I went upstate (again) and this time was joined by my "NY mom" who had buried her own son and nephew years ago when they were teens.
She welcomed me with open arms and deepest sympathies for Alison and Auntie Naomi.

She played me a beautiful video of her niece singing a song that she wrote for her late brother...it was heart-wrenching to watch...my friend looked at me and said "This is what you are all going through now, it was written this about a month after he died..."

NY mom also told me that "there will be strangers who'll step up and be there for you - and you'll be heartbroken by friends those who aren't...your relationships will change because YOU have changed..."
(I told you she understood!)

Have I changed?
Well, I now hate being alone, and resent everyone who's happy.
I thought I was over the latter - until I saw a father and his daughter fishing by a pond earlier and wanted to push them both in.
(Forgive me Jesus.)

It's just so unfair.

But in it's own (bitter) sweet way, Life goes on.
Simply because it has to.

For those of you that don't know me - I work in comedy.
I am not a comedian - but am surrounded by them and we recently finished work on TV pilots that I produced.  Myself and my partners are pretty new at this (at TV shows, they've been comics for years) so I spend a LOT of time on social media - to promote this blog and our company.

Through the "magic" of modern technology, I was introduced to producer Walter Latham.
Of course I had heard of him.
The Kings of Comedy tour was HUGE - and I had read that he was launching a youtube channel.
My partners and I had even discussed approaching him about our TV projects.

As fate would have it, he contacted me.
Not only did he ask me to write a blog about the new channel, he asked me to contribute to his weekly series of videos "RELENTLESS" uploaded every Sunday.
I'd be recording myself with a message to inspire the youth...or something like that.

At the time I was too busy with 2 jobs to be flattered.
I responded by letting him know that I'd soon be finishing up at my weekend job, and would start working on them afterwards.
A week after that conversation Alison was gone.

Other than writing about my grief - any other blog seemed contrived.
And what the hell could I possibly have to say to inspire the youth???
I could barely inspire myself to get out of bed.
Walter sent another email asking me to record - the same day my Aunt Naomi passed away.

As it happened, my friend/producing partner Steve re-arranged his schedule to film me, so I had no choice but to go through with it.
I still wasn't sure what I'd say on camera, but I knew that Alison's death had touched too many people for me not to say anything.

As I gathered my things to go meet Steve I came across this Russian Proverb:
"Pray to God but continue to row toward shore."
That's it.
I have to keep going.
If not for myself, for my family.

Even through the tears and bottles of red wine on the weekend, when NY Mom said the word "documentary" I found myself taking notes on a napkin.
I suppose Creativity and Pain are as linked as Comedy and Tragedy.

My video and blog about Walter Latham Comedy will be available next week.

.........................................................

When I got back to the city (after a LONG bus ride) there were no cabs to be had and I found myself walking.
I was alone again.
I reached out to my sister (via text) and told her I had cried all weekend and she said she had done the same.

I continued walking east and realized I was in Bryant Park.
I looked up and saw the Chrysler Building straight ahead and the Empire State Building on my right.
It's as though I could feel the city putting it's arm around me to let me know I wasn't alone.

Just minutes before my phone went off with a message from my sister:
"I am here for you."
And thank God for that.

I'm looking for a place

I'm searching for a face

Is anybody here I know?

Cause nothing's going right

And everything's a mess

And no one likes to be alone

Isn't anyone trying to find me?

Won't somebody come take me home

It's a damn cold night

Trying to figure out this Life

Won't you take me by the hand 

Take me somewhere new

I don't know who you are 

But I...I'm with you

I'm with you

~ Avril Lavigne