Heavy.

Hi darlings.

Well I had planned on writing part 2 of my last post.
But the events of the last few days caused to come to come to this computer quite unexpectedly.

Well the good news is, I became an aunt again!
To a beautiful little girl - so exciting for my brother and his growing family.
It's nice when there's something "bright" happening in our lives after such a difficult year.

The next morning, my cousin Gary and his daughter Jaclyn were on the radio live in Toronto discussing donations to a charity on behalf of Alison's memory.  You could hear the pain in everyones voices including the morning show announcers - Christmas will be tough.

I dosed back off after listening online, and awoke to find out about the shootings in Newtown.
The blanket of grief that has covered us since Alison's death came back in floods.
(I was emotional enough after hearing my family on the radio, but I was also really proud.  To use a tragedy to help others is God in action right there)

The death of a young person just hits you at a different angle once you've experienced it in your own life.  Nothing is ever the same.  It's a punch in the stomach.  (In fact the same sentiment was echoed by comedian Chelsea Handler in a recent interview with Katie Couric.  Her brother died in an accident when she was 10.) 

A family is never the same.

I felt this when my friend lost his sister in August, and then again when my friend's ex boyfriend committed suicide.  News headlines are no different.  I felt sick when hearing about NFL player Torrey Smith's brother dying so young.  Then came the news out of Newtown.

It's unfathomable.

The range of emotions (in just over 24 hours) that happened with the birth of my niece, to hearing my brave cousins on the radio, to the shootings in Connecticut is hard to explain.
It's just....heavy.

I had plans on on Friday evening.
And I thank God because I may not have been able to get out of bed otherwise.

I don't really have any advice or words of wisdom. 
But tomorrow I'll be returning to church for the first time since Alison died.  (And it's the Christmas concert which has me in tears during the BEST of times, so wish me luck)

While a biblical  service can't replace loved ones that went too soon, there is comfort in knowing that we're not alone - and that we grieve together.

Until next week...

We're beautiful like Diamonds in the sky

Rihanna

Blue Moon & The Endless Summer (Part 2)

Darlings,

I HAD to split this blog post in 2 because:
a) I would never have finished and b) I would have bored you with a novel instead of a post.

Where was I?

Oh yes, Boston.
Well as fate would have it, Drew's crew (complete with Josh and Dr. Feelgood!) happened upon Boston as the same time as I was there - August 31, the night of the blue moon.
A FANTASTIC time.

My BFF (Drew) and moi

A great dinner courtesy of Chef Gabe who took such good care of our not-so-sober group.
(If you haven't checked out The Paramount in Boston yet, do. http://www.paramountboston.com/)

Our Motley Crew

Another New England bonus came courtesy of the cutie I met earlier in the week.
He was handsome, charming and incredibly young.  Perfect.
He ALSO rode a motorcycle.
He ALSO had a helmet for me.
Well.
I said a prayer and held on for Dear Life.

It was late and the city was quiet.  And empty.
It was us and the full moon along the waterfront.
When I found myself worrying and slipping back into my grief-stricken depression, I literally yelled at myself to STOP and enjoy this moment - I looked up and the moon agreed.

The next day I said goodbye to the crew (who were heading to Province Town) and boarded the bus back to New York.  While I waited in the lineup, the familiar tears started to flow again.
They continued for at least half of the four hour bus ride.

A 16 year old is gone for good.
It's just so unfair.

.............................................................................

I came home to an empty apartment.

(Roommates out of town for the long weekend)

I made some tea and got caught up on episodes True Blood (WACK!) and The Real Housewives of New Jersey (DRAMA!)

As I was sitting there I realized that I was alone - and for the first time in 6 weeks I wasn't afraid.

This intense fear of being alone after Alison passed away was so consuming, I started to worry that I'd need medication.
Fortunately for me, I wasn't in solitude for long.

Next stop: The Jersey Shore.

The thing about being in a fog of grief is that you make plans without even realizing it, and thank God.
Labor Day weekend and it's full moon came and went leaving me melancholy and sad.
The first day of school would be arriving without my cousin, and let's face it, summer 2012 will always be known for this tragedy.

Off we went...
Me, Drew and Don (our newest Crew member) in the rental headed to Debra and Michael's place on the shore.

New Crew on the boat...

I'm very fortunate to have these souls in my life.
They helped rescue me when I couldn't bear the thought of being by myself and my tears.
They made sure I laughed, and enjoyed the final days of my favorite season.

So long Summer, give Alison a kiss for me.

Until next week -xo-

Alone, together, beyond the crowd

Above the world, we're not too proud

To cling together, we're strong

As long as we're together

Alone, together, the blinding rain

The starless night, were not in vain

For we're together, and what is there to fear

Our love is as deep as the sea

Our love is as great as a love can be

And we can weather the great unknown

If we're alone together

~ Ray Charles & Betty Carter (etc.)



The King and I

There comes a time in your life when you take a leap of faith and just jump.  Sometimes it happens because the next step is obvious; you graduate because school is finished.  Most of the time though, we jump simply because we have to.  Unaware of what the future holds, we surge ahead and pray like hell.

In fact, I've "started over" so often, that I'm almost embarrassed by how long I lamented on my decision was to come back to New York.  For better or worse, trusting my gut has become second nature.  I've walked away from jobs (when I needed the money) and relationships all on the instinct that I simply deserved better.

The economy has also forced many of us to start over - whether we or wanted to or not.
This is after all, this is the second recession in my lifetime (does that make me generation X or Y?  I never know.  Mom?) so resourcefulness is a must.  It is times like these that we choose to be a leader or a victim.

The best part of uncertainty?  If all else fails, we can create something.

Which bring me to my subject of today's blog: The "King" of Comedy, Walter Latham.
Never heard of him?
Well, chances are you've heard of some people whose careers he helped launch: Chris Tucker, Bernie Mac, Steve Harvey D.L. Hughley, Tyler Perry, Cedric the Entertainer and the list goes on...

A brief history; In 1997 Mr. Latham launched the "Kings of Comedy" tour featuring Bernie Mac Steve Harvey, Cedric the Entertainer and later adding D.L. Hughley.  It was a massive success.  So much so, that it went on to become a movie directed by Spike Lee and produced by MTV films.  That was only the beginning...he went on to produce more shows "The Queens of comedy" starring Mo'Nique and the "Latin Kings of comedy" with Paul Rodriguez.

Seriously, the guy doesn't stop.

Not surprisingly, Mr. Latham originates from Brooklyn New York...and like the city itself he rarely sleeps.
Whenever I ask him how he's doing, his response is always the same; " Tired.  How are you?"
Did I mention he's also a loving father and handsome?
(I know)
But wait, there's more!

Always the innovator, he is now the proud owner of his own YouTube channel. (youtube.com/walterlatham)
Launched earlier this year, when asked what his "realistic ambition" was for the channel, he responded "...in 30 years from now, we will be looked at as the better version of BET - but on the internet."
Snap.

As brazen as that sounds - he may be on to something.

Having grown up in Canada, it was BET that introduced me to many of the comics seen on Latham's channel now, like Michael Blackson.  Blackson has a weekly show called "Black Fridays" on the site and he is hysterical.  The guy is fearless.  There's another show called "Comedy After Dark" featuring up and coming comics, taped at strip club and hosted by Jenna Jameson!

A spokesperson at YouTube had this to say:  "YouTube has long been a place where people come for a laugh, and with new, and original programming from established personalities like Walter Latham, people can find even more content they enjoy, and creators can gain a fast loyal audience in return."

My favorite thing about the channel?
The fact that Latham is responsible for what he puts online and takes his influence on the younger generation seriously.  Every Sunday, he posts a video from his "Relentless" series.  He asks friends and colleagues to speak about their life experiences "to give back to our community if only in this small way."

My video for the series went up last week, and can be seen at the bottom of this post.
Mr. Latham asked me to record at a time when I NEVER would have considered going on camera.  Our family had just suffered the tragic loss of my cousin Alison, and a few weeks after that, my aunt passed away.  I had every intention of saying no, or at least postponing until I felt "better."

But I thought of Alison (only 16 when she died) and her devastated friends who might need some guidance, and I hope I was able to provide something that could help.
If I can say anything to you guys reading this now, it's just to keep going.

Walter, thank you for reaching out to me.
Best of luck with everything.
www.youtube.com/walterlatham

Below is the link to my video, enjoy!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GvurasmW6Kc&feature=youtube_gdata_player

I move onward, the only direction

~ Jay Z

I'm with you.

Another emotional weekend.

Thankfully, God was watching and I was among friends who understood.
I went upstate (again) and this time was joined by my "NY mom" who had buried her own son and nephew years ago when they were teens.
She welcomed me with open arms and deepest sympathies for Alison and Auntie Naomi.

She played me a beautiful video of her niece singing a song that she wrote for her late brother...it was heart-wrenching to watch...my friend looked at me and said "This is what you are all going through now, it was written this about a month after he died..."

NY mom also told me that "there will be strangers who'll step up and be there for you - and you'll be heartbroken by friends those who aren't...your relationships will change because YOU have changed..."
(I told you she understood!)

Have I changed?
Well, I now hate being alone, and resent everyone who's happy.
I thought I was over the latter - until I saw a father and his daughter fishing by a pond earlier and wanted to push them both in.
(Forgive me Jesus.)

It's just so unfair.

But in it's own (bitter) sweet way, Life goes on.
Simply because it has to.

For those of you that don't know me - I work in comedy.
I am not a comedian - but am surrounded by them and we recently finished work on TV pilots that I produced.  Myself and my partners are pretty new at this (at TV shows, they've been comics for years) so I spend a LOT of time on social media - to promote this blog and our company.

Through the "magic" of modern technology, I was introduced to producer Walter Latham.
Of course I had heard of him.
The Kings of Comedy tour was HUGE - and I had read that he was launching a youtube channel.
My partners and I had even discussed approaching him about our TV projects.

As fate would have it, he contacted me.
Not only did he ask me to write a blog about the new channel, he asked me to contribute to his weekly series of videos "RELENTLESS" uploaded every Sunday.
I'd be recording myself with a message to inspire the youth...or something like that.

At the time I was too busy with 2 jobs to be flattered.
I responded by letting him know that I'd soon be finishing up at my weekend job, and would start working on them afterwards.
A week after that conversation Alison was gone.

Other than writing about my grief - any other blog seemed contrived.
And what the hell could I possibly have to say to inspire the youth???
I could barely inspire myself to get out of bed.
Walter sent another email asking me to record - the same day my Aunt Naomi passed away.

As it happened, my friend/producing partner Steve re-arranged his schedule to film me, so I had no choice but to go through with it.
I still wasn't sure what I'd say on camera, but I knew that Alison's death had touched too many people for me not to say anything.

As I gathered my things to go meet Steve I came across this Russian Proverb:
"Pray to God but continue to row toward shore."
That's it.
I have to keep going.
If not for myself, for my family.

Even through the tears and bottles of red wine on the weekend, when NY Mom said the word "documentary" I found myself taking notes on a napkin.
I suppose Creativity and Pain are as linked as Comedy and Tragedy.

My video and blog about Walter Latham Comedy will be available next week.

.........................................................

When I got back to the city (after a LONG bus ride) there were no cabs to be had and I found myself walking.
I was alone again.
I reached out to my sister (via text) and told her I had cried all weekend and she said she had done the same.

I continued walking east and realized I was in Bryant Park.
I looked up and saw the Chrysler Building straight ahead and the Empire State Building on my right.
It's as though I could feel the city putting it's arm around me to let me know I wasn't alone.

Just minutes before my phone went off with a message from my sister:
"I am here for you."
And thank God for that.

I'm looking for a place

I'm searching for a face

Is anybody here I know?

Cause nothing's going right

And everything's a mess

And no one likes to be alone

Isn't anyone trying to find me?

Won't somebody come take me home

It's a damn cold night

Trying to figure out this Life

Won't you take me by the hand 

Take me somewhere new

I don't know who you are 

But I...I'm with you

I'm with you

~ Avril Lavigne 

Alison

This one's for you.
With love.

A few weeks before I turned 20, while I was visiting family in Cape Town, my friend Cindy was killed in a car accident.  I never found out until I returned home several months later.

It was then that I learned how different the pain is when someone dies before "their time."
The shock.
Denial.
The pain.
(Both emotional and physical.)

While I maintain that losing both grandmothers were the saddest times I've experienced until now (Granny was 93 already - but I tell you, so much of my youth went with her) there is something so devastating about the loss of a child.

When my brother's friend committed suicide he was only a teenager.
I made a VOW to myself then and there to keep depressed/lonely feelings at bay and seek help/friendship/ANYTHING when times were bleak.
And there have been many.

Last week, my family lost someone so special and so lovely at the tender age of 16.

While most of you are shuddering - it's probably because on a subconscious level, you're recalling what a tough age that was in the first place.
The peer pressure.
The bullying.
The boys.
The bullshit.

My little cousin had to deal with all of the above plus an illness.
She'd endured multiple surgeries, hospitalization, and severe physical pain.
Suffering from colitis, she became somewhat of an ambassador for Ostomy organizations across Canada.

You can read one of the many tributes written about her here:
http://muggins7.wordpress.com/2012/07/27/a-life-cut-far-too-short-losing-one-of-our-own/

On Thursday morning, she went to hospital for the last time.
I keep waking up thinking it's a nightmare.
It
Just
Can't
Be.

I remember when I went home for Christmas a while back...
I walked into my aunt's house which of course was packed (our family is huge) Alison RAN across the house to hug me.  She were so excited that I came home.
(I remember just knowing when I walked through that door that she would greet me first)

That is my last memory of her.

Oh honey.
If you only knew how I was sobbing right now.
Maybe you do.
Of course you'd want me to stop and feel badly for my sorrow.
You were sweet like that.

I take some solace in knowing that you are out of pain and in God's hands.
When it comes to my family, I really hit the jackpot.
But oh to have one more Christmas.

It will never get old not in my soul (not in)

 My spirit keep it alive

We'll go down this road 

Till it turns from color to black can white 

~ Frank Ocean

Temporary Insanity?

Dah-lings,

Will you EVER forgive me for taking an entire month to write?
My apologies.

First off, I want to thank you for making my last post "Sexes & the City" my most-read blog to date.
I also want to thank Rebecca Traister of Marie Claire for the shout-out on twitter.
Read it here:

http://blackcatbaby-imjustsayin.blogspot.com/2012/06/sexes-city.html

I started writing this blog from sunny California at an outdoor cafe...
Jealous?
(While I'm sipping $3 Sangria)
Jealous now??

I had been on a working vacation (is there any other kind when you live in NY and work in entertainment?) and you would NOT believe the exhaustion.  
Not jet-lag, exhaustion!
The type of sleepiness you don't let yourself feel in a city like Manhattan.

It's one thing to tell yourself you need a break - it's quite another to experience it.
(and those of you know me well, you know I'm NEVER tired and always want to keep the party going.)
I'm in a state of flux these days...
Like, the energy's low but the standards are rising.

I went through this in June 2010.

I could sense there was a feeling of "expansion" waiting to happen.
I wanted to to move on to bigger and better things - but wasn't quite sure how.
In the end, I moved to the biggest room in the apartment, and thanks to a friend leaving town got a huge (luxurious! comfortable!) bed to go with it.

Around this time, my friend S and I challenged each other to put together a 'vision board' outlining where we'd like to to be in 10 years.  I looked through magazines and just pulled images that moved me.  To my surprise, it was filled with images of  Los Angeles.  In fact, the board was SO west coast looking, I stuck on a picture of the empire state building!




The thing about spiritual growth spurts is that, we are forced to look at ALL aspects of our life, whether we like it or not.  I came into 2012 with promises to have have more fun and while there have been lots of laughs, and too many hangovers...I think I need to be more honest with myself on what "fun" really is.

Is fun drinking and dancing with a guy that doesn't really give a damn about you?
That lies about having a girlfriend?  (Or wanting one?!)
I LOVE to tell myself that I'm this strong independent woman - but when an a girl I barely knew recently asked me "So who's your boyfriend this week?"  I felt a sense of shame.

If I don't like being treated like an accessory to these guys, then maybe I need to check myself.
Compromising my feelings and my expectations are now a thing of the past.
Suddenly, I see clearly.

And to the hater that's reading this, I won't be compromising my self-expression either.
I'll write what I feel - and if you think it's about you, that's your problem.
And your loss.

I'm Black Cat F*ckin Baby.
Get familiar.
(That one was for you T.O!)

Cuz honey, I'm not going anywhere.
Or am I?

To be continued...

And when you're out there, 

Without care

Yeah I was out of touch

But it wasn't because I didn't know enough 

I just knew too much

Does that make me crazy?

Does that make me crazy?

Does that make me crazy?

Possibly

And I hope that you are having the time of your life.

But think twice.

That's my only advice.

~ Gnarles Barkley

Sexes & The City.

I would rather be a beggar and single than married and Queen.

~ Queen Elizabeth 1533-1603 (aka the Virgin Queen) 

Lovelies Hello!

My apologies for the 2 week blog break.

It was not my intention but work as has been hectic.

More than anything tho, I was taking a break from myself.

You know when you're going through the motions, eating whatever and not working out?

That's pretty much what I've been doing - and working 6-7 days a week. 

I always view it like I'm "skimming the surface" so-to-speak, no writing or deep thought, just getting through it.

In doing so, I came across an article by Rebecca Traister in June's Marie Claire magazine - called "Love and the Single Girl."  In it, Traister talks about the rise of the unmarried woman.  Single women have been getting a lot of press lately.  Some good, some bad, some political.  But for most us, it's just life as usual.

http://www.marieclaire.com/sex-love/single-girl-trend?click=main_sr

For those of you who follow this blog - you are aware of the bad dates, the 'champagne campaigns,' and of course The Miami.  I make no claims of singlehood being easy, nor do I hide the fact that (for the most part) I'm having the time of my life.  JUST when I start to feel "amiss" as to why I can't seem to "settle down already" an article like this comes along and makes it all better.

Or does it?

I believe it was my last blog (or was it the one before?) I had mentioned my crush on a certain football player that gave me butterflies for the first time in ages...

Well, that son-of-a-bitch stood me up recently (no explanation, no apology) and I cut him off.  Was I too harsh?  Or was I smart enough to know that forgiving him would have set the stage for future disappointment?  More than likely, the latter.

I say this because, it came to my attention recently that not one, but TWO close friends had been in near-violent altercations with their (now ex) boyfriends.  I was horrified.  I know in both situations these men had showed ugly sides of themselves before, and still my friends stayed.

Not only are these women smart and beautiful (and career driven, and independent) they are also what I consider my "free-spirit" friends.  You know, the people that you go to when you need to be encouraged but still offer advice deeply rooted in reality?  I don't think I even need to tell you that they 'knew better' than to be treated like this.  

Both come from loving homes with good fathers.  Like the wise women they are, they are moving forward like champions.  They are survivors.      

I can give many MANY more examples of poor treatment and settling that have been done by all of us, God knows I've made some mistakes.  But I was smart enough not to marry it.  (Thankfully so were they.)

Flirting with Danger is fun, I've done it.  It keeps life interesting.

Hell, even sex with Danger is a thrill - but I ain't making a life with him, or putting up with his abusive bullshit.

I've been through too much to lower my standards now.

I'd like to thank Marie Claire and Rebecca Traister for an article that made me feel like I'm part of a movement rooted in independence and self-worth.  It's much better than "spinster" and "selfish."  Like my friend and acting teacher Richard McKenna told me years ago "it's just as important to know what you DON'T want as it is to know what you do."

If I know that I don't want to be with someone who makes me feel guilty for being who I am, or (FOR FUCK'S SAKE) threatens to hit me - then so be it.  

If this post is longer and more serious in tone that the others it's because I'm aware of how many YOUNG women are reading.

And I take that position seriously. 

I owe it to you girls - but most importantly, you owe it to yourselves.

I worked hard and sacrificed to get what I get

Ladies it ain't easy being independent

~ Destiny's Child

There Is No Greater Love...

Hi Lovelies,

I don't really have much of a topic today I'm afraid.
My mood matches the cold damp weather, I wasn't even going to write.
But then I thought - am I REALLY going to sit at home and continue crying?

Like American professor of psychology Abraham Maslow once said:
"A musician must make music, an artist must paint, a poet must write, if he is to ultimately be at peace with himself." 
So dammit here I am.

Want to know the strangest thing?
I've been crying since my parents left, I could not be more disenfranchised with the opposite sex (again) and yet - I cannot get the song "There is no greater love" out of my head.
(To think, I was declaring "I hate everybody!" shortly before crying myself to sleep last night.)

The 1936 jazz standard has been covered by everyone from Dinah Washington to Amy Winehouse, it's an optimistic look at falling in love...truly, madly deeply. 
I fell asleep with the song in my head - and woke up with it as well.
"You're the sweetest thing, that I've ever known - and to think that you are mine, alone..."

It's just so...romantic.
How could I be so CONSCIOUSLY miserable, with my subconscious dancing to this lovely little number?  

As God would have it, "mixed emotions" was the sermon at church yesterday...
Walking in faith that you're on the right path - when there is no tangible proof, is bloody hard.
We have to dig DEEP into the well and recall a time when things DID go smoothly and our footing was strong.

Well.
My idealistic side (and evil sense of humor) have always gotten me through the rain, this time and this funk will be no different.
I mean, it got me to write today.
Tears and all.

Until next week...

There is no great love than what I feel for you

No greater love, no heart so true

There is no greater thrill, than what you bring to me

No sweeter song, than what you sing to me

~ Don Darcy, Billie Holiday, Dinah Washington etc., 

The Price is Write.

Darlings,

I know I KNOW.
The blog's late, I'm sorry!
This whole week feels "off" actually.

Mercury's moving forward again, the moon's not full and the weather's lovely.
And yet...something's not quite right.
I had meetings scheduled on Monday when I'd usually be writing, and Tuesday I worked when I'd usually be off.

My mind and heart are racing, I've hardly slept a wink in DAYS...and yet I'm surprisingly calm.
(Albeit delirious.)
I have a long awaited reunion with my parents to look forward to and I couldn't be happier.
For the first time, I'll be on vacation for the entire duration of their trip.

Ah, Family.
The joys, the pains, the tears, the frustration and most importantly, the deep inexplicable connection.
Like it or not, they are a part of our fabric.
(How else can you explain loving your niece or nephew before they're even born?)

This "break" from reality could not have come at a better time for me.
It seems as though everyone is in flux.
I am surrounded by people (myself included) who are questioning their value.

Are we being "cheated" by our employers?
Did we price ourselves too low?
And if that's the case - at what point do we speak up and say "I deserve more."
(When dealing with someone that ONLY sees you as "sub par," how do you prove it??)

The problem is this: when you are belittled on a regular basis, whether it be in the form of under payment, indifference, or emotional abuse - it becomes far too easy to confuse their lies with your truth.
Very often it takes a reality check, a sign (or gift!) from God to remind yourself of who you are.

Nothing like a visit from the people who've known (and loved) me the longest to do just that.
Mom, Dad, welcome to New York.

There are places I remember

All my life, though some have changed

Some forever not for better

Some have gone and some remain

All these places have their moments

With lovers and friends I still can recall

Some are dead some are living

In my life I've loved them all

~ The Beatles

  

The Moon. The Stars. The Easter.

Dolls,

Well, I'd like to say I survived Friday's powerful full moon unscathed - but I'd be lying.

I am suffering a bit today - as the champagne campaign was in FULL effect for Easter last night.
Like my dinner date T said this morning "We're fabulous one day, hot messes the next!"
(Prosecco in Soho, empty wallets be damned.)

Where do I begin?

With the crazy drunk man nearly dropping a table (on himself!) when I got to work on Saturday morning?
I suppose we should have called the cops, but were all so...shocked.
(He later went on to mop the sidewalk - I took the opportunity to lock the door)
Needless to say he was fired.
He was the THIRD member of staff to be axed last week.

How about the guy who faked an identity to get me to call him?
I'm serious.
I took a break from men and alcohol last week, so his text message went unanswered.
What did he do?  Left a message pretending to be a client, fake name and all.
(Turns out he's also after my friend and still legally married)

I don't make this up.

Throw in a religious holiday and it's one big cocktail of frayed nerves, homesickness, and heightened emotions.
Thank God (quite literally) for church.
I didn't realize how powerful yesterday's service was until I emailed my friend C to tell her about it.
I cried.

We know that Jesus died, and that there was a resurrection.
But now what?
Like the assistant minister said, it's an incomplete sentence.

"He died, he is rose...so therefore..."
"...I'll be a better person?"
"...I'll be more forgiving?"
"...I'll have more compassion towards others?"

How do we want our OWN sentences to finish?
Not just with our faith, but our lives?
I'd like to mine to finish by knowing that the recent sacrifices I've made were worth it.
I'd like to be less stubborn when my feelings are hurt.

I remember when my best friend and I were lunching on a patio a while back.
An old lady was eating nearby...as she was leaving she said to us:
 "Girls, if you do anything at all - just have fun!"

Well.
I'm certainly doing that.

Until next week...

I'd like to greet the sun each morning

And walk amongst the stars at night

I'd like to know the taste of honey in my life

In my life

~ Lionel Richie

Miles & Mistakes

Dolls,

I can honestly say there is not an artist on the planet I love more than Miles Davis.
Composer, painter, musician, visionary and coolest-cat-on-the-planet.
I know you may be surprised to hear this from me, as I'm so forth-coming with my love of all things reggae, hip-hop and R&B.

Not to mention my idol worship of the Queen of the World, Madonna (Oh shush!)

But it's true.
Miles' speaks to me through that trumpet more than anyone.
The funny thing is, I know very little about his life.  I don't have to.
Or do I?

I recently read a review of HBO's upcoming new show "Girls."
Creator Lena Dunham, a 25-year-old writer and director has all the TV critics abuzz.
She's writing, directing and starring in a new show that promises to revolutionize TV.

While I WILL watch, (I want to support a young woman in her creative efforts) - it's the shows tag line that really caught my attention:
"Living the Dream, one Mistake at a time" 
Classic.  (And funny!)

There is a famous quote attributed to my beloved Miles that immediately came to mind when I read that:  "Do not fear mistakes, there are none"
I have searched EVERYWHERE to find out more details and context Mr. Davis was speaking in, but  have found none.

While I can forgive ANY mistakes Miles may have made musically - I'm not one of his three ex-wives, children, or people that he pissed off.
(In researching the origin of his quote, I noticed that there have already been several blogs written about this very topic.  Which I'll read once I'm finished putting this one together)

My friend April and I have been using Miles' phrase as a way of encouraging each other in our artist pursuits for years now.
But is there REALLY no such thing as a mistake?
And how will we know?

My BFF and I were just texting about the past and not being able to get those years back...sigh.
Oh to hell with it!
Who wants to live in regret anyway?

Miles has another gem that makes me happy to be alive:
"I'm always thinking about creating.  My future starts when I wake up every morning...Everyday I find something creative to do with my life."
Delicious isn't it?

Whether or not "Girls" goes on to become a television hit doesn't really matter does it?
The point is, it's creator seems to have been living her life this way for quite some time now.
And it's nice to see hard work (and play) pay off.

Onward and upward darlings...
Till next week,
-xo-

For me, music and life are all about style.

~ Miles Davis

Is that all there is?

Hi Lovelies,

Well it's a gorgeous day and I'm a little grouchy.
(Do people still say grouchy?  I'm bringing it back)
Forgive me, St Patrick's Day has come and gone and I'm left with a green manicure and slight hangover.

Where was I?

I've been thinking a lot about chemistry and physical attraction.
Remember that Sex & the City episode "I Love a Charade," when the girls go to the Hamptons for Bobby and Bitsy's wedding? 
Bobby was clearly a gay man, and Bitsy was far too old not to know the truth.
Throughout the ceremony jokes were cracked, as everyone scratched their heads wondering "WHY?!"

Just how important is sexual chemistry?
(For me - on a scale of 1 to 10 I'd say it's about 49.)
What do you do when you meet someone who's all the right things, but there's no "spark?"
Is it worth exploring?

My roommate B advised "Well, go with your gut..." to which I quickly responded, "My gut has made mistakes!"
God knows there are PLENTY of sparks out there with no substance or no family values - but they sure come with a whole lotta fun.
Perhaps I've been spoiled.

Or maybe the problem isn't that don't know what I want - it's that I DO.
Because one thing I discovered while I was in Miami, I really enjoy being single.
Am I avoiding intimacy?
Or am I just embracing my true feelings?

I mean, I haven't sold myself short thus far, why start now?
Carrie said it best at the end of the "Charade" episode:
"Some people are settling down, some people are settling...and some people refuse to settle, for anything less than butterflies..."

And don't worry darlings, it's not like I've given up on true love or anything...but for now, let's enjoy the springtime, shall we?

Until next week...

Is that all there is?

Is that all there is?

If that's all there is my friends, than let's keep dancing

Let's break the out booze and have a ball

If that's all, there is

~ Peggy Lee 

Strike 3.

I'm calling people out.

Yes it's been that type of week.
While Valentine's Day was deliciously (and drunkenly) filled with magic moments (always happens when I'm with Drew) the hangover left me seeing rather clearly.

And unlike MOST of my life, I haven't been afraid to say something.
Family, friends, dates, co-workers, employers, it's time to say what's on my mind.
As my friend S just said on the phone:
"Well now we know we've spent the better part of our lives afraid of being yelled at - but not anymore!"

It's true.
Afraid of hurting other people's feelings will always cause you to bury yours.
Unfortunately - so many of us were raised that way.

So why am I on this tear now?
I guess it started in 2011.  The year I'd rather forget.
Everyone I was close to was in agony and we all spent a good part of the year crying.
On top of that, I had to deal with abusive types at work and at home.

Being raised Christian and discouraged from using my voice growing up, I stood back and waited for these people to unravel - which naturally they did.
Like I always say: "People eventually reveal themselves"
Meaning; If someone is nasty to me for no reason - it's a matter of time before they show that side to everyone.

That's the wonderful (and terrible) thing about being a woman and looking like a girl - these haters are often clueless to my inner strength and wisdom.
Until I let them know.

No more mistaking kindness for weakness.
It IS 2012 after all.

Until next week darlings,

I think I'll follow my heart

It's a very good place to start

~ Madonna

Paradise Island.

Mama's got a headache.
Too little sleep, too much wine and way too many laughs...
Here we go again.

In the midst of mine and K's "I've given up on men" conversations, I got this email from a twitter friend last night: 
"You had tweeted something to me about dating recently - how goes it!?! I hear NY is a Dater's paradise."
(He was responding to this blog.)

Paradise: land, feeling of great pleasure; absence of evil.

In New York City, the seeking of "great pleasure" is the reason we get out of bed at all!
The pursuit of fashion, alcohol, drugs, caffeine, sex (and more sex!) is the fuel to our fire. 
Carrie Bradshaw wasn't kidding around.

What Carrie and the girls DIDN'T have to deal with tho, was text-messaging.
(Can you imagine how much more Samantha would have gotten laid if they had?!)

Over the past few weeks, I've been invited out last minute and surprised (at work) by my growing number of boyfriends.  Last night was no exception. 
I was beckoned to "come over and cuddle" after a 14 hour shift at the bar. 
As tempted as I was, what I REALLY needed was a cocktail and a shower.

K and I agonized over what my next move/response should be (with shrieks of laughter) for an hour.  (Meanwhile, we had to deal with her romantic situation involving a man who asked only to be referred to as "that Jew from Brooklyn.")

In my attempt to sound coy and flirty, I sent him a message that made no sense (I forgot to add a word) and he responded asking if I was questioning his underwear. 
And the hits just keep on coming.

The problem with text messaging is that it while it allows for spontaneous planning - what it DOESN'T do is wash your hair provide you with fresh clothes. 
(It did however, hook us up with PLENTY of laughter.  An ab exercise of hysterics.)

In the end, I didn't make it over to his place.
I was far too busy enjoying my friends.
(Bonus: ended up meeting someone new in the process)

May the year of fun continue.

Until next week...

I'm not ruling you out
I'm just in doubt

As to what you say you're all about
~ Amy Winehouse

 














     

Part 2 - Joy & Opportunity.

Hi there, me again.

This post is a continuation of "I say a little prayer for you," my last blog...
While I could have written a NOVEL, with all those thoughts in my head (I suppose that's my next move isn't it?) I wanted to give you some space to take it all in.

As mentioned yesterday, I put a request out into the Heavens and got my wish almost immediately.

What I want to talk about today is when we DON'T say a prayer, and God hooks us up regardless.
A job, contact, or even romance...can just "show up" unannounced and wait to be invited in.
(In my case online romance - seriously I'm getting these guys mixed up now, it's hysterical)

My friend got a call last week about writing a TV show for his friend. 
He came to me (we work well together) and we had a decent (funny) pilot written in less than 2 days.
I was very proud.

We didn't just "stop" what we were doing either. 
We still had jobs to do etc., but we MADE the time to get it done.
I had dates and drinks planned - and I canceled them
 
There were sooo many times - especially when I was pursuing acting, that opportunities like these were OFFERED to me and I turned them down and/or made excuses.

Not this time. 
Not this year.

........................................................

Right before I left for church on Sunday, I got an email from my darling friend C.
Her new husband found something that he thought was an old receipt and noticed it was a hand-written affirmation.
It was in my hand-writing.
Something I had given C YEARS ago:

"It is safe for me to experience joy in every aspect of my life. I love life." (Louise Hay)

Now, my mantra for 2012 thus far has been "It's time to start having fun again."
But isn't Joy just Fun's older and WISER cousin?

I'm going to use this affirmation for the next week (and boy do I need it, I've been cranky) and see where it takes me. 
I'll let you know how it goes.

Until week next my loves...

Little darling, the smiles returning to the faces
Little darling, it seems like years since it's been here
Here comes the sun
Here comes the sun, and I say
It's all right

~ The Beatles

   

I say a little prayer for you...

Hi Lovelies,

First of all, this was not my intended title or topic.
My original post was to be about when Opportunity knocks, and you smartly (and finally) open the door to let him in.

Let me start from the beginning.

Not only did I start 2012 with online dating and a declaration of "fun," I also began a time-management program that my boss bought for the office. 
It's not only a to-do list of sorts, but way of looking at your life and fully deciding on what it is that you TRULY want.

In a quick brain-storming exercise, I wrote down that I'd like to go to church again. (I work weekends and had stopped going)
Well.
That request was answered SO quickly, I had almost forgotten that I put the prayer out there.
Thanks to a sudden schedule change, Sunday opened up.

I can shamefully admit, that when I get what I want too easily, I nearly always panic and find a way to look a gift-horse in the mouth. 
I work like hell to push the good away - so that I have a reason to complain. 
Work, family, friends, relationships, money.  It's always something.

At church yesterday, the service was about exactly that.
While we are quick to find fault with people, and treat our daily dramas as "emergencies," the only REAL emergency is our relationship with God. 
It is the only thing that lasts forever.

It's not like we take our latest manicure and skinny jeans with us when we die (although I probably will) so the soul is all we've got folks.

Knowing this, makes the irregularities of Life a little bit easier to digest.
Don't be afraid to ask for what you need darlings, you just may get it still.

To be continued...

The moment I wake up

Before I put on my makeup

I say a little prayer for you

~ Burt Bacharach for Dionne Warwick

(& Aretha Franklin)

The Party's Over.

Well Darlings,
While my last post was a look-back at the past, this one is very much rooted in the present.

It's here.
The most anti-climactic month of the year - January.
No more cookies, no more parties, no more cards.
No more crowds.
Just the hangover from it all.

Growing up in Canada, January is a BRUTAL month weather-wise.
Spring feels like miles away, as the temps drop lower and lower.
My friend C and I fondly coined the phrase "Jan in Can" while emailing one day, just to cheer each other up.

I am deep in the the throws of this melancholy, lifted only by the fact that 2011 is over.

While I evaluate where I am and where I'm going for the new year, a part of me still wants to say "Merry Christmas."
Or at least capture the feeling that comes along with saying it.

Don't get me wrong, 2012 is the "year of fun" as promised.
I'm already laughing more.
And for the life of me - I cannot keep up with the many emails thanks to an online dating site I just joined.
This should be good.

More next week.....

In my heart the fire's burnin'
Choose my color find a star
Precious people always tell me
That's a step, a step too far

~ Culture Club