The Good Life?

For Agata, Tanya & Kory -xo-

Darlings,

Well well well.

I missed a few weeks again didn't I?

And here I was declaring that I was "back."

But wait, I can explain!

As of my last post (seen here: http://blackcatbaby-imjustsayin.blogspot.com/2013/03/2013.html)

I didn't know that in 2 short weeks I'd be headed back to Cali.

Our show "My Friends Think I'm Funny" got into a web series festival, and off I was to Los Angeles!

Oddly enough, in my last post - I reminisced to my 2012 travels to Miami and LA, and this year I went to both places in less than a month!

Well, something had to change.

About 8 weeks ago, I did a 2 week strict dietary cleanse to prepare for my birthday jaunt in South Beach.  I continued the "health watch" by giving up fried food for Lent and alcohol during the week.

It's as though my pride kicked in to a time when I took better care of myself - and my ego reminded me that I deserved to look (and I suppose feel) better.

I mean, I AM Blackcatbaby, dammit.

I've always been into fitness and looking my very best, but a painful back injury sidelined me from exercising at the level I was used to.

It is now almost 100% healed.

As I always do every birthday, I reflect on where I've been and where I'm going...

At the same time, a good friend of mine was thinking of me.

She didn't quite know how to tell that she was worried.

She said, "I don't know how to tell you this, but what you're doing in your life isn't working...you are young and vibrant...why aren't you kicking more doors down?"

Believe it or not, I laughed.

I had JUST written "Why am I not kicking doors down?" as a note to include in this very blog.

That's the thing about getting older - you're forced to look at yourself whether you want to or not.

One part of me has this sense of time and reality, (as opposed to being in denial and pining for younger years) while another part is keenly aware that I've sold myself short and not dreamed big enough.

The thing is, when you chose the road less traveled (as I have) with little support, so much of your
existence becomes about survival...do I reach for the stars, or pay my rent?

Sometimes I pat myself on the back for not having a nervous breakdown!

(Well, it's still early.)

..........................................

I'm not going to lie; I was much more upbeat when I started this blog a few weeks ago when I first got home.

It's cold, damp and cloudy here in New York and my mood matches the weather...

My LA trip (and the kind souls I met while there) was such a nice surprise - I worked my ass off to make it happen.

On the flight home though, I cried because I had just missed Easter with my family.

Nobody said it would be easy.

However, I can proudly state that I take responsibility for this Life I've created.

Yes, there have been tears - but there have been just as many laughs to go along with all the characters in My Story.

I mean, it's hardly been boring.

In the March issue of Vogue, designer Phoebe Philo affirmed, "Friendships get older. Marriages get longer. Children get older. I love that. I love a sense of history within my little life. It's just journeys - and it's been such an interesting journey."

I couldn't agree more.

Until next week...

I always had a passion for flashin'

Before I had it, I closed my eyes and imagined

The Good Life

Better than the Life I lived when I thought that I was gonna go crazy

- Kanye West & T-Pain

 

 



 



A Place of No & The Shift

For Jill, PJ, and Elise, with love.

Sigh.
Another day another dollar.
How it's almost the end of 2012 is beyond me.

I was saying to my mom on the phone the other night; although the year has flown by, for our family it feels like decades in some ways.
The year started with Alison still being alive, and despite her health problems, full of promise.
How quickly it can all change.

I'll never forget when my sister called that fateful July morning - I could hear the strain in her voice when she asked where I was...
"Alison was rushed to hospital" she said.
I went blank. "Ali who?"
"Our cousin."

Those of you who've had life-changing deaths (and births) will understand what I mean I say that your year gets broken up into "before" and "after" making it feel longer.
Many of you who lost homes/cars/power/loved ones during Hurricane Sandy also know what I mean. 
This Thanksgiving will be bittersweet for the tri-state area, as we ALL know people who were affected by the storm.

For my family, Christmas will be heartbreaking.

 

But as often happens in life, storms have aftermaths that bring people together and I got lucky. 

I had family friends in town, for the NY Marathon that never happened.

Was SO good to see them.

Like when I usually have visitors, I was emotional, homesick and grateful all at once.

(I also drank too much but Life is hard)

 

Also, after the a major loss, our family has been blessed with several births - if only to remind us that Life too, is precious.

 

............................................................................................

 

If you've been following this blog, you'll know that I'd been reading Bethenny Frankel's book "A Place of  Yes." 

I recently completed it and I must say I was impressed.

As somebody who writes about her own life, I can appreciate how tough it is to be that candid.

And she REALLY told her story - childhood trauma and all.

 

More than anything, it helped me to look at the positive steps I've taken in my life, while reflecting on the negative ones - and letting them go.

My cousin and I had a great talk while he was here.

Sure it was 4 in the morning and there MANY cocktails in our system, but I remember the conversation.



We talked about our own families, and he reminded me that there are those who truly feel that they CAN'T. 

They can't speak up.
They can't find joy in the simple things.
They can't take a stand
They can't take that risk.
Even if it's the best possible thing for them.

Bethenny reflects on how much she enjoys motherhood in the book.
Now that she's a parent, she cannot imagine HOW her mother could leave her as a child. 
But that's the hand she was dealt, and she found a way to survive.
Let's just say, I have a little more empathy towards those I feel I've been "wronged" by now.  

Some people just can't seem to get out of their own way.
The trick is to not let them hold YOU back.
Constantly paying for other people because they're perpetually broke (or unwilling to get a 2nd job like I had to!) and being dragged into their dramas is a thing of the past.

Alison's death changed that for me, almost accidentally.

As a result, I spend more time on creative ventures and I don't think it's a coincidence that people are taking notice.  Like another recent visitor said to me "It's amazing when you can see the shift happening."
I responded, "Ohhh the shift...I like it!"

The stars can align quickly, but in most cases (well mine anyway) it happens after years of struggling and even more years of crying.
But better a few difficult years than a lifetime of regret.

A canceled marathon didn't stop my friend from running one in Central Park (jet-lagged from Australia!) 
She trained for it, and dammit, she did it.
I told her: "You got the REAL New York experience, you were told NO and found a way."

Push past the words "I can't" and see where it gets you.
Good luck darlings.

Until next week...

Why do you look so sad and forsaken?

When one door is closed, don't you know, another is open?

~ Bob Marley



Blue Moon & the Endless Summer (Part 1)

For Cass, Shmi, C & Drew. 

It all started last month when Cass came to visit.

There is something about seeing friends that know you from another life...
By that I mean, people that knew me before I became a Certified New Yorker.
Friends you can put in the "I've-known-them-for-decades" category.
(I know what you're thinking - but she looks so YOUNG!)

After 5 heavy weeks of grief and isolation, here was a longtime friend from home gently pulling me out, whether she knew it or not.  When I tearfully told her about friends who had abandoned me after Alison's death, she told me about the past year living abroad with her daughters, where they had NOBODY. "I had to be strong and stay focused." She said, "Sure my feelings we hurt.  I thought they were my real friends."

I cannot tell you how much that story affected me.
I mean, of course still I'm sensitive and emotional.  I lost 2 family members this summer.
Sadness is one thing, but grief mixed with anger and resentment is cocktail that eventually leaves a bad aftertaste.
And if Cass could use her pain to propel her forward, so could I.

Next stop: Boston and Maine.
Boston may be considered a "sleepy" town, but honey, I got none while I was there!
When Shmi and Shmore (her nickname for me) are reunited, there's champagne, wine, and PLENTY of male attention.

We had a blast.
What's funny is that Shmi and I each remember different parts of the night so it's good that we're able to keep the memories alive!
We then packed our things (and our hangovers) and headed to Scarborough Maine, where Shmi's kids and sister C were waiting.

Magical.

The beach, the cozy house we stayed in, (above C's husband's restaurant) the smiles on the kids faces when we went to the fair.
THE PIZZA.
(Not to mention the many many bottles of wine put into recycling each morning)

It was so nice to just be.

Isn't it always easiest to do that with people who've known you forever?
While browsing through a gift shop I came across a bottle of wine called "The Beach House," I smiled as it was so fitting for where I was at the time.
I looked at the label.  South African.

I decided to extend my stay.

Hurricane Irene may have robbed C and I of our visit last summer but we made sure it wasn't ruined this time.  It was my first time seeing her since her father's death a year ago.
She was very understanding at my display of emotion when talking about the injustice of losing a cousin so young.
"Let it out," she said "It's good for you, it's grief."

The tears are still there to this day.
But I can't take away what time with "friends from home" did for me as I closed out a summer that changed my family forever.
It gave me a sense of peace that is hard to explain.

The added bonus to prolonging my trip?
I got to head back to Boston to meet up with Drew's crew, the blue moon, and the hot guy with the motorcycle...

To be continued...

Blue Moon 

You knew just what I was there for

You heard me saying a prayer for

Someone I really could care for

~ Billie Holiday  

(and many others)

  

I'm with you.

Another emotional weekend.

Thankfully, God was watching and I was among friends who understood.
I went upstate (again) and this time was joined by my "NY mom" who had buried her own son and nephew years ago when they were teens.
She welcomed me with open arms and deepest sympathies for Alison and Auntie Naomi.

She played me a beautiful video of her niece singing a song that she wrote for her late brother...it was heart-wrenching to watch...my friend looked at me and said "This is what you are all going through now, it was written this about a month after he died..."

NY mom also told me that "there will be strangers who'll step up and be there for you - and you'll be heartbroken by friends those who aren't...your relationships will change because YOU have changed..."
(I told you she understood!)

Have I changed?
Well, I now hate being alone, and resent everyone who's happy.
I thought I was over the latter - until I saw a father and his daughter fishing by a pond earlier and wanted to push them both in.
(Forgive me Jesus.)

It's just so unfair.

But in it's own (bitter) sweet way, Life goes on.
Simply because it has to.

For those of you that don't know me - I work in comedy.
I am not a comedian - but am surrounded by them and we recently finished work on TV pilots that I produced.  Myself and my partners are pretty new at this (at TV shows, they've been comics for years) so I spend a LOT of time on social media - to promote this blog and our company.

Through the "magic" of modern technology, I was introduced to producer Walter Latham.
Of course I had heard of him.
The Kings of Comedy tour was HUGE - and I had read that he was launching a youtube channel.
My partners and I had even discussed approaching him about our TV projects.

As fate would have it, he contacted me.
Not only did he ask me to write a blog about the new channel, he asked me to contribute to his weekly series of videos "RELENTLESS" uploaded every Sunday.
I'd be recording myself with a message to inspire the youth...or something like that.

At the time I was too busy with 2 jobs to be flattered.
I responded by letting him know that I'd soon be finishing up at my weekend job, and would start working on them afterwards.
A week after that conversation Alison was gone.

Other than writing about my grief - any other blog seemed contrived.
And what the hell could I possibly have to say to inspire the youth???
I could barely inspire myself to get out of bed.
Walter sent another email asking me to record - the same day my Aunt Naomi passed away.

As it happened, my friend/producing partner Steve re-arranged his schedule to film me, so I had no choice but to go through with it.
I still wasn't sure what I'd say on camera, but I knew that Alison's death had touched too many people for me not to say anything.

As I gathered my things to go meet Steve I came across this Russian Proverb:
"Pray to God but continue to row toward shore."
That's it.
I have to keep going.
If not for myself, for my family.

Even through the tears and bottles of red wine on the weekend, when NY Mom said the word "documentary" I found myself taking notes on a napkin.
I suppose Creativity and Pain are as linked as Comedy and Tragedy.

My video and blog about Walter Latham Comedy will be available next week.

.........................................................

When I got back to the city (after a LONG bus ride) there were no cabs to be had and I found myself walking.
I was alone again.
I reached out to my sister (via text) and told her I had cried all weekend and she said she had done the same.

I continued walking east and realized I was in Bryant Park.
I looked up and saw the Chrysler Building straight ahead and the Empire State Building on my right.
It's as though I could feel the city putting it's arm around me to let me know I wasn't alone.

Just minutes before my phone went off with a message from my sister:
"I am here for you."
And thank God for that.

I'm looking for a place

I'm searching for a face

Is anybody here I know?

Cause nothing's going right

And everything's a mess

And no one likes to be alone

Isn't anyone trying to find me?

Won't somebody come take me home

It's a damn cold night

Trying to figure out this Life

Won't you take me by the hand 

Take me somewhere new

I don't know who you are 

But I...I'm with you

I'm with you

~ Avril Lavigne 

The Mourning After. Again.

I wasn't able to make it home for Alison's funeral.

It's a long story but my cousin understood as we have family members around the world who could not be there.
Our hearts were so heavy.

For the first time, I believe that my family understood what it's like to be me.
To love so much, but to be far away.
And more importantly - the sheer agony of grieving alone.

Thankfully, I wasn't physically alone.
That weekend, my "bestie" Drew hosted me at his house upstate and took such good care of me.
He has no idea how much he helped.

My dear friend C (who lost her father a year ago) sent me a beautiful card.
She told me that there was a "grace to grieving" and reminded me of the importance of "letting grief in."
She spoke of taking those times of solitude if need be, and to spend some time in nature.

Well.
Yesterday I did just that.
Summer is my favorite season, and on a last minute decision - made plans to go to the beach.
Ah the healing powers of the ocean...it speaks to us you know?

It was there that I received more sad news.

My great aunt passed away in Cape Town.
She had been ill, but not for too long, thank God.
I had to remove myself from the beach blanket and inform my parents...it wasn't easy.

Auntie Naomi.
She was sooo lovely.
So charming, so like her sister, (my late grandmother) and had such affection for us kids.
When my mom last saw her only a few months ago, she asked about me.
"How's my girlie?  Send her my love."

Naturally, I'm in tears again.
Alone.  (Again)

I have been pleasantly surprised by my (newer) friends, who have constantly checked in; a quick text, lunch, phone call, anything.  Unfortunately, some of my "best friends" have really let me down and it breaks my heart.

I get it, death makes people uncomfortable - but excuses ain't bringing my loved ones back.  And for God's sake, we're grown.
(If I take your tearful phone calls in the middle of the night, you can surely take mine.)

It's amazing how through the fog of mourning - we begin to see clearly.
But more on that later.

While saddened, we can take solace in knowing that Auntie Naomi is with her siblings now, laughing away in Heaven, talking about the good 'ol days.
At 87, she lived a good life.

But how do we move forward after losing Alison?
She was only 16 years old.
Most of the shock is gone...and now the sadness really begins.
I cry every night - and for the first time in my life, I truly hate being alone.

My sister said it best:
"People don't understand just how close our family is.."
She's right.

Last night, my 9-year-old nephew who was overwhelmed by all the sad news and asked to call me.
We talked for an hour.
We talked about Life, death, soccer, school, his mean teacher, the Empire State Building, the Olympics,  more soccer, cats vs dogs, the Blue Jays and video games.
(Did I forget anything??)

He later told my mom about the call.
"Granny...I just had the most EPIC conversation with Auntie!  The best phone call of my life!"
Mine too.
Mine too.

I'm thinking of you Lyn.
-xo-

I've  seen lonely times when I could not find a friend

But I always thought that I'd see you, baby, one more time again.

~ James Taylor

Street Life.

"I still hang around neither lost nor found
Hear the lonely sound of music in the night
Nights are always bright
That's all that's left for me, yeah"

The above lyrics by song writer Joe Sample (of The Crusaders) were inspired while being on a beginner's ski slope at Mammoth Mountain, California. 
He said:
 "I saw people falling, running into each other... it was absolute chaos. It looked like a boulevard of madness. And I said, That's what 'Street Life' is."

Well Darlings,

I gotta tell you - writing while you're preparing for vacation (or better yet, while you're ON vacation) is much easier than doing it when you come back.
The birthday "high" is beginning to fade.
Thankfully I have daylight savings and spring-time temps keep my spirits up.

I was overwhelmed by the amount of well-wishes I received last week from friends and family.
I got one message from my cousin who was so sweet and encouraging but I found myself slightly defensive.
She said she'd heard I was "living the life" and exclaimed "that's the way life should be."

I play the Street Life because there's no place I can go
Street Life, it's the only Life I know

I just remember thinking "God if you only knew!"
It's easy to feel like life's a beach when you're ON the beach.
It's quite another to be slinging drinks at a bar for 15 hours, just to survive in New York City.
I take that back.
To THRIVE in New York City.

Street Life - and there's a thousand parts to play
Street Life - until you play your Life away

Nobody wants to hear about the tough breaks and the struggles - and nobody sees the tears...God knows there are plenty of them.
I think it was Janet Jackson who said that nobody wants to hear her complaining.
(This is a woman who lived her entire career in her brother's shadow - and then he DIED)

Anyway my point is this.
My cousin is RIGHT.
I am living the life. 
I celebrated my birthday the entire time I was in Miami, then had an EPIC celebration the day after I returned.  (From what I remember anyway)

 You let the people see just who you wanna be
And every night you shine, just like a superstar

Yes of course it's a hustle.
Like Samantha Jones famously said on Sex & the City:
"A homeless man just showed me his DICK on the way here!  It doesn't get any realer than that!"
True indeed.

What's also true is that the struggle makes us stronger. 
We're all in it together so friendship bonds can form quickly.
And they have.
And it's fabulous.

Three months in and 2012 has already kicked 2011's ass.
May the "Champagne Campaign" continue.
Until next week...

That's how the Life is played - a tempting masquerade

You dress, you walk, you talk

You're who you think you are

 ~ The Crusaders

 







 

Birthday and the Beach

Helloooo...

Well my loves, as promised I'm writing from Miami.

I cannot tell you how much fun I'm having...
This birthday girl has been spoiled rotten.
(And loving every minute of it mind you)

I am so blessed.
Do you realize that everyone involved with this trip are people that I've met within the last 5 years?
I had a birthday party on Friday night (complete with cake and champagne) at the home of a couple I JUST met.
(Shout out to Tony and Jen!)

On a somber note - I've been very homesick for Cape Town.
Not only has the weather been breezier and less humid than usual for South Florida, I've been embraced by strangers and treated like family.
It's SO much like culture I come from.

Other than that, I have nothing deep to report.
No insights or major life decisions have been made on this vacation.
I've been too busy laughing.
And dancing.

When I asked if I missed New York, I quickly responded "actually I kind of forgot about it"
(Of course, one never REALLY forgets New York, it's damn year impossible)
For now though, on my last day; I'll keep enjoying the sunshine.

Like my travel companion C said the other day "Living the life that we live in NY...it's all worth it...just to sit on this balcony right now..."
True indeed...
Here's the view:

Until next week darlings...

And the weather's so breezy

Man, why can't life always be this easy?

~ Kanye West