Native New Yorker

On September 11 2001, I was staying with my friend Jodi, in Brooklyn.

While I have put most of that day, and weeks that followed out of my mind (I have an excellent memory so I choose to forget) I do remember the chaos, the phones not working and speaking to family and friends around the world through MSN messenger.

There were no facebook status updates to reassure loved ones back then.
(Funny how we take that for granted now.)
I remember that I had trained as a bartender at the Marriott Hotel the week prior, in a building that came down with the towers.  (Jo was supposed to work there that day.)

With fashion week happening and a Michael Jackson special being filmed for CBS, it seemed as though EVERYBODY was in town.  (In fact, I had spent the evening of September 10 riding around in a limo with a guy claiming to be MJ's cousin!)  I came crawling home at 4-5am and just a few hours later, my cell phone (still working at the time) began ringing off the hook. 

My phone was plugged in in the living room, and I'll never forget when I stumbled out to get it, I caught a glimpse through the window and thought "What a beautiful day."
God.
I will never forget that clear dark blue sky. 
Ever.

I remember not going anywhere for days...we had food, wine, and a TV that was barely working.
My mom called and said she put money into my account so that I could book a ticket home the minute the airports were running again.
Absolutely not.

Like Jodi (originally from Pittsburgh) said, "Our parents don't think we should be here anyway, so of course they want us to leave now!  And besides, where are Native New Yorkers going to move to??"
She was right. 
They weren't leaving, and neither were we.

I don't know what brings about this New York hard-headedness.
We dig our heels in knowing it's more expensive than anywhere else, and don't get me started on the rats and roaches. 
Like my friend Kory said, "We've lived everywhere else, those places suck, and so do those people."
I died laughing.

While I have a hard time accepting that New York is becoming increasingly for the rich only, and that the artists who once flocked here will have to go somewhere more affordable (Detroit?) I will say this:
I've never been anywhere else that gives you the feeling of "anything is possible."
And it IS.

Success has just as much to do with geography as it does with hard work and connections.
That's the secret that nobody tells you.
And while I'm certainly no millionaire, struggling has never stopped me from dreaming bigger.
In fact, it's only made me work harder.

As any New Yorker will tell you; you have to have the balls to make that move in the first place - and God help you once you decide "This is where I'm staying, no matter HOW many times I'm knocked down."
I don't think I know anyone creative that hasn't expressed their art in some capacity here.

Like my bff Drew and I explained to his mom:
"Everything is easy in New York.  Except Life itself."
I believe it was fashion icon Oscar De La Renta said that, everyone who moves here, "Becomes a New Yorker eventually..."

I'd like to dedicate this blog to the "Native" New Yorkers.
The Lovers.  The Fighters.  The Dreamers.
And especially to those who lost somebody on September 11, 2001.
We're in this together.

Runnin' pretty, New York City Girl,
twenty five, thirty five 

Hello baby, New York City Girl

You grew up riding the subways, running with people

Up in Harlem, down on Broadway 

You're no tramp but you're no lady

Talkin' that street talk,

You're the heart and soul of New York City

 

And love, love is just a passing word

It's the thought you had, in a taxi cab

That got left on the curb...

When he dropped you off, at east 83rd...

 

Oh oh oh

(Oh oh oh)

You're a Native New Yorker...

~ Odyssey

Summertime Sadness

For Alison.

Hi Lovelies,

I started writing this ages ago because I couldn't finish or decide on a title.
Never fear, I am here.

Sadly, so are the dog days of summer.
Sigh.

Those of us in the Northern Hemisphere are bracing ourselves for cooler weather, shorter days, and back to school nostalgia.  I doesn't matter how old I get, I still get butterflies when I see the those "back to school" reminders - and there's a part of me that will always think of the fall as "the REAL  beginning" of  a new year.

And I suppose it is.

Summer is my favorite time of the year, but after last year's tragedy, I wondered if summer would feel the same for our family.  The end of July marked the one year anniversary of Alison's death, and the week leading up to that day was awful.  I could barely get out of bed.  All I could think of was what my cousin and his family must have been going through. 

I was overwhelmed with sadness.

According to my friend who lost her brother 11 years ago - "There is never a time it doesn't suck.  You find joys in life (she has 2 boys and a lovely husband) and you continue on, but there are days when it's just so unfair..."

Things got a bit easier (or should I say "easier") after the day itself.
Thanks (once again) to Drew I was surrounded by friends, and a one-day sleepover that lasted for days.
(I mean, if you ain't twerking, you ain't workin') 
It felt good to laugh.

Going to Miami in June was good for me because I left with a "life's a beach" attitude, and it's lasted.
Financial/job stress can ruin your life, but it can also force you deal with what is - simply because you have no other choice.  (Can't afford to get my hair done? Fine, I'll rock the curly afro mess as if I planned it that way.  Isn't that why God invented humidity after all?)

There have been many summers when I didn't see my friends as much, or get mom on the phone, because I was working all the time.  This year though, I let myself just be and decided to trust in what would happen next.  Yes, there have been job interviews and business plans, but my connections with the people I love have been the priority.

And luckily for me, more traveling.  I just got back from a weekend in Maine with my best friends who happen to be sisters.  One of which said goodbye to one decade and hello to another.  There was wine, champagne, and beer on the beach. 
Yes y'all, a woman turned 40 and rocked a mean bikini on the shores on New England.

It was an emotional time for them too. 
Like C said the night before her birthday "I never thought I'd turn 40 without my dad..."
Every family has their pain...and even when it doesn't sting as much, there are birthdays, anniversaries, and holidays.

I hope this post doesn't sound as dismal as I think it does.
Because honey, there were LOTS of laughs this summer (I would have written more blogs but was too hungover!) 

Here's to wine, champagne, SHOTS, matching manicures with my best friend's 8 year daughter, more twerk videos than our iPhones can handle, the most envious tan I've ever had, our "deep" analysis of every Madonna video ever made, my first time on a jet-ski (better than sex! Who knew?) Maine, Miami, Boston, Monroe, Philly, The Jersey Shore, Franklin Lakes and guests from Johannesburg, Toronto, and Cali.

Cheers to you, to Alison, and the 2013 Summer of Love, Lust, and Laughter.    

 

 

I think I'll miss you forever

Like the stars miss the sun in the morning skies

Late is better than never

Even if you're gone I'm gonna drive (drive, drive)

I've got that summertime, summertime sadness

~ Lana Del Rey



The Good Life?

For Agata, Tanya & Kory -xo-

Darlings,

Well well well.

I missed a few weeks again didn't I?

And here I was declaring that I was "back."

But wait, I can explain!

As of my last post (seen here: http://blackcatbaby-imjustsayin.blogspot.com/2013/03/2013.html)

I didn't know that in 2 short weeks I'd be headed back to Cali.

Our show "My Friends Think I'm Funny" got into a web series festival, and off I was to Los Angeles!

Oddly enough, in my last post - I reminisced to my 2012 travels to Miami and LA, and this year I went to both places in less than a month!

Well, something had to change.

About 8 weeks ago, I did a 2 week strict dietary cleanse to prepare for my birthday jaunt in South Beach.  I continued the "health watch" by giving up fried food for Lent and alcohol during the week.

It's as though my pride kicked in to a time when I took better care of myself - and my ego reminded me that I deserved to look (and I suppose feel) better.

I mean, I AM Blackcatbaby, dammit.

I've always been into fitness and looking my very best, but a painful back injury sidelined me from exercising at the level I was used to.

It is now almost 100% healed.

As I always do every birthday, I reflect on where I've been and where I'm going...

At the same time, a good friend of mine was thinking of me.

She didn't quite know how to tell that she was worried.

She said, "I don't know how to tell you this, but what you're doing in your life isn't working...you are young and vibrant...why aren't you kicking more doors down?"

Believe it or not, I laughed.

I had JUST written "Why am I not kicking doors down?" as a note to include in this very blog.

That's the thing about getting older - you're forced to look at yourself whether you want to or not.

One part of me has this sense of time and reality, (as opposed to being in denial and pining for younger years) while another part is keenly aware that I've sold myself short and not dreamed big enough.

The thing is, when you chose the road less traveled (as I have) with little support, so much of your
existence becomes about survival...do I reach for the stars, or pay my rent?

Sometimes I pat myself on the back for not having a nervous breakdown!

(Well, it's still early.)

..........................................

I'm not going to lie; I was much more upbeat when I started this blog a few weeks ago when I first got home.

It's cold, damp and cloudy here in New York and my mood matches the weather...

My LA trip (and the kind souls I met while there) was such a nice surprise - I worked my ass off to make it happen.

On the flight home though, I cried because I had just missed Easter with my family.

Nobody said it would be easy.

However, I can proudly state that I take responsibility for this Life I've created.

Yes, there have been tears - but there have been just as many laughs to go along with all the characters in My Story.

I mean, it's hardly been boring.

In the March issue of Vogue, designer Phoebe Philo affirmed, "Friendships get older. Marriages get longer. Children get older. I love that. I love a sense of history within my little life. It's just journeys - and it's been such an interesting journey."

I couldn't agree more.

Until next week...

I always had a passion for flashin'

Before I had it, I closed my eyes and imagined

The Good Life

Better than the Life I lived when I thought that I was gonna go crazy

- Kanye West & T-Pain

 

 



 



2013.

It's been a while darlings.
Three months to be exact.
A bit longer than that, actually.

I don't really have a reason or excuse for my absence...yes I'd been working a lot - but that has always been the case. 
It's hard to talk (or write) about what you feel when you're unsure of what "it" is.
If anything, I guess I'm a little disenfranchised...
Not with this blog, (or you my lovely reader) but with Life in general.

My last post took place right before Christmas...
I entered 2013 completely and totally exhausted.
Emotionally, physically, psychologically and especially spiritually.
That last part's not easy to admit.
 I mean, Life is generally "easier" if you believe God has a plan for you, isn't it?

In many ways, 2012 was 2 years in one.

The first 7 months were pure ignorant bliss...
I quoted a Jersey Shore cast member by exclaiming "Life is a holiday!"
And it was.
I breezed to Miami for my birthday, schmoozed in Hollywood, dated online, and made this blog a weekly column.

Three weeks into July, all of that changed with the sudden death of our cousin Alison. 
The grief that followed can't even be described here.  And for me it was more than grief, it was isolation as my family lives in another city. 
My year was quite literally ripped in half.

Everything that I knew to be real was gone.

I don't think I mentioned this before, but at the time of Alison's death I had begun seeing someone. 
We had spoken about becoming more serious about a week prior to that horrible news - and when I asked if he could come over, he didn't.
I haven't seen him since.
 
While modern technology has allowed me to express myself in this really cool way, I am going to say something important so please pay attention:
A text message and/or phone call will not save someone who is drowning. You have to JUMP INTO the water and get wet if you want your loved one see another day.

And to those of you who did that for me last year, thank you.
You helped bring me back to Life.

The discussion at my church tonight is about forgiveness.  I won't be going.
I'm not quite there yet.
But I am back.
And I've missed you.

Until next week...

Little Darling

I feel that ice is slowly melting

Little Darling

It seems like years since it's been clear

Here comes the sun

Here comes the sun, and I say

It's all right

~ The Beatles



A Place of No & The Shift

For Jill, PJ, and Elise, with love.

Sigh.
Another day another dollar.
How it's almost the end of 2012 is beyond me.

I was saying to my mom on the phone the other night; although the year has flown by, for our family it feels like decades in some ways.
The year started with Alison still being alive, and despite her health problems, full of promise.
How quickly it can all change.

I'll never forget when my sister called that fateful July morning - I could hear the strain in her voice when she asked where I was...
"Alison was rushed to hospital" she said.
I went blank. "Ali who?"
"Our cousin."

Those of you who've had life-changing deaths (and births) will understand what I mean I say that your year gets broken up into "before" and "after" making it feel longer.
Many of you who lost homes/cars/power/loved ones during Hurricane Sandy also know what I mean. 
This Thanksgiving will be bittersweet for the tri-state area, as we ALL know people who were affected by the storm.

For my family, Christmas will be heartbreaking.

 

But as often happens in life, storms have aftermaths that bring people together and I got lucky. 

I had family friends in town, for the NY Marathon that never happened.

Was SO good to see them.

Like when I usually have visitors, I was emotional, homesick and grateful all at once.

(I also drank too much but Life is hard)

 

Also, after the a major loss, our family has been blessed with several births - if only to remind us that Life too, is precious.

 

............................................................................................

 

If you've been following this blog, you'll know that I'd been reading Bethenny Frankel's book "A Place of  Yes." 

I recently completed it and I must say I was impressed.

As somebody who writes about her own life, I can appreciate how tough it is to be that candid.

And she REALLY told her story - childhood trauma and all.

 

More than anything, it helped me to look at the positive steps I've taken in my life, while reflecting on the negative ones - and letting them go.

My cousin and I had a great talk while he was here.

Sure it was 4 in the morning and there MANY cocktails in our system, but I remember the conversation.



We talked about our own families, and he reminded me that there are those who truly feel that they CAN'T. 

They can't speak up.
They can't find joy in the simple things.
They can't take a stand
They can't take that risk.
Even if it's the best possible thing for them.

Bethenny reflects on how much she enjoys motherhood in the book.
Now that she's a parent, she cannot imagine HOW her mother could leave her as a child. 
But that's the hand she was dealt, and she found a way to survive.
Let's just say, I have a little more empathy towards those I feel I've been "wronged" by now.  

Some people just can't seem to get out of their own way.
The trick is to not let them hold YOU back.
Constantly paying for other people because they're perpetually broke (or unwilling to get a 2nd job like I had to!) and being dragged into their dramas is a thing of the past.

Alison's death changed that for me, almost accidentally.

As a result, I spend more time on creative ventures and I don't think it's a coincidence that people are taking notice.  Like another recent visitor said to me "It's amazing when you can see the shift happening."
I responded, "Ohhh the shift...I like it!"

The stars can align quickly, but in most cases (well mine anyway) it happens after years of struggling and even more years of crying.
But better a few difficult years than a lifetime of regret.

A canceled marathon didn't stop my friend from running one in Central Park (jet-lagged from Australia!) 
She trained for it, and dammit, she did it.
I told her: "You got the REAL New York experience, you were told NO and found a way."

Push past the words "I can't" and see where it gets you.
Good luck darlings.

Until next week...

Why do you look so sad and forsaken?

When one door is closed, don't you know, another is open?

~ Bob Marley



The Mourning After. Again.

I wasn't able to make it home for Alison's funeral.

It's a long story but my cousin understood as we have family members around the world who could not be there.
Our hearts were so heavy.

For the first time, I believe that my family understood what it's like to be me.
To love so much, but to be far away.
And more importantly - the sheer agony of grieving alone.

Thankfully, I wasn't physically alone.
That weekend, my "bestie" Drew hosted me at his house upstate and took such good care of me.
He has no idea how much he helped.

My dear friend C (who lost her father a year ago) sent me a beautiful card.
She told me that there was a "grace to grieving" and reminded me of the importance of "letting grief in."
She spoke of taking those times of solitude if need be, and to spend some time in nature.

Well.
Yesterday I did just that.
Summer is my favorite season, and on a last minute decision - made plans to go to the beach.
Ah the healing powers of the ocean...it speaks to us you know?

It was there that I received more sad news.

My great aunt passed away in Cape Town.
She had been ill, but not for too long, thank God.
I had to remove myself from the beach blanket and inform my parents...it wasn't easy.

Auntie Naomi.
She was sooo lovely.
So charming, so like her sister, (my late grandmother) and had such affection for us kids.
When my mom last saw her only a few months ago, she asked about me.
"How's my girlie?  Send her my love."

Naturally, I'm in tears again.
Alone.  (Again)

I have been pleasantly surprised by my (newer) friends, who have constantly checked in; a quick text, lunch, phone call, anything.  Unfortunately, some of my "best friends" have really let me down and it breaks my heart.

I get it, death makes people uncomfortable - but excuses ain't bringing my loved ones back.  And for God's sake, we're grown.
(If I take your tearful phone calls in the middle of the night, you can surely take mine.)

It's amazing how through the fog of mourning - we begin to see clearly.
But more on that later.

While saddened, we can take solace in knowing that Auntie Naomi is with her siblings now, laughing away in Heaven, talking about the good 'ol days.
At 87, she lived a good life.

But how do we move forward after losing Alison?
She was only 16 years old.
Most of the shock is gone...and now the sadness really begins.
I cry every night - and for the first time in my life, I truly hate being alone.

My sister said it best:
"People don't understand just how close our family is.."
She's right.

Last night, my 9-year-old nephew who was overwhelmed by all the sad news and asked to call me.
We talked for an hour.
We talked about Life, death, soccer, school, his mean teacher, the Empire State Building, the Olympics,  more soccer, cats vs dogs, the Blue Jays and video games.
(Did I forget anything??)

He later told my mom about the call.
"Granny...I just had the most EPIC conversation with Auntie!  The best phone call of my life!"
Mine too.
Mine too.

I'm thinking of you Lyn.
-xo-

I've  seen lonely times when I could not find a friend

But I always thought that I'd see you, baby, one more time again.

~ James Taylor

Limited Time Offer.

Sweethearts,

So much to say and nothing to write.
Time is at a stand still it sucks.
Mercury is in retrograde.

(From www.astrology.com)
What happens when Mercury retrogrades? You miss appointments, your computer equipment crashes, checks get lost, you find the car you just purchased during Mercury retrograde is a lemon...There will be countless delays, cancellations and postponements--but know these will benefit you in the long run. Don't fight them, although your frustration level and feeling of restlessness will be hard to cope with at times.

Frustrated?  Check.
RESTLESS?  Yup.
Hard to cope?  Jackpot
If any of you are feeling this way, trust me, I have you in my prayers.
(As I write this, I have had NUMEROUS problems with blogger and am not even sure you'll be able to read this post!)

The shitty part about moments like this, is that all you can do is "wait it out."
Patience is NOT always a virtue, and it's easy to feel like you're going nuts.
I know I do.
With the exception of one or two loved ones, I feel disconnected from most of the people in my life and need to withdraw.

If you are an "action" person like myself, then you know how difficult standing still can be.
(I'll just sit here meditating while my life figures itself out!)
Dammit man.

You can't force fate's hands - and when you do, (or try to) it usually proves disastrous.
It's just like that sometimes.

The good news?
I followed my heart and freed myself from a job that was taking more than it was giving.
As much as I appreciated the extra income and am grateful for my newfound friends, it served it's purpose.
It was time.

Time.
Isn't it amazing how much more valuable time is than money?
Other than our health, it really is our most precious resource.
Almost IMMEDIATELY other job opportunities came to me, so I know I made the right choice.
But I won't follow up on any of them just yet.

I will humbly practice some patience and wait.

Don't make me feel any colder

Time is like a clock in my heart

Touch we touch was the heat too much

I felt I lost you from the start

~ Culture Club

Sexes & The City.

I would rather be a beggar and single than married and Queen.

~ Queen Elizabeth 1533-1603 (aka the Virgin Queen) 

Lovelies Hello!

My apologies for the 2 week blog break.

It was not my intention but work as has been hectic.

More than anything tho, I was taking a break from myself.

You know when you're going through the motions, eating whatever and not working out?

That's pretty much what I've been doing - and working 6-7 days a week. 

I always view it like I'm "skimming the surface" so-to-speak, no writing or deep thought, just getting through it.

In doing so, I came across an article by Rebecca Traister in June's Marie Claire magazine - called "Love and the Single Girl."  In it, Traister talks about the rise of the unmarried woman.  Single women have been getting a lot of press lately.  Some good, some bad, some political.  But for most us, it's just life as usual.

http://www.marieclaire.com/sex-love/single-girl-trend?click=main_sr

For those of you who follow this blog - you are aware of the bad dates, the 'champagne campaigns,' and of course The Miami.  I make no claims of singlehood being easy, nor do I hide the fact that (for the most part) I'm having the time of my life.  JUST when I start to feel "amiss" as to why I can't seem to "settle down already" an article like this comes along and makes it all better.

Or does it?

I believe it was my last blog (or was it the one before?) I had mentioned my crush on a certain football player that gave me butterflies for the first time in ages...

Well, that son-of-a-bitch stood me up recently (no explanation, no apology) and I cut him off.  Was I too harsh?  Or was I smart enough to know that forgiving him would have set the stage for future disappointment?  More than likely, the latter.

I say this because, it came to my attention recently that not one, but TWO close friends had been in near-violent altercations with their (now ex) boyfriends.  I was horrified.  I know in both situations these men had showed ugly sides of themselves before, and still my friends stayed.

Not only are these women smart and beautiful (and career driven, and independent) they are also what I consider my "free-spirit" friends.  You know, the people that you go to when you need to be encouraged but still offer advice deeply rooted in reality?  I don't think I even need to tell you that they 'knew better' than to be treated like this.  

Both come from loving homes with good fathers.  Like the wise women they are, they are moving forward like champions.  They are survivors.      

I can give many MANY more examples of poor treatment and settling that have been done by all of us, God knows I've made some mistakes.  But I was smart enough not to marry it.  (Thankfully so were they.)

Flirting with Danger is fun, I've done it.  It keeps life interesting.

Hell, even sex with Danger is a thrill - but I ain't making a life with him, or putting up with his abusive bullshit.

I've been through too much to lower my standards now.

I'd like to thank Marie Claire and Rebecca Traister for an article that made me feel like I'm part of a movement rooted in independence and self-worth.  It's much better than "spinster" and "selfish."  Like my friend and acting teacher Richard McKenna told me years ago "it's just as important to know what you DON'T want as it is to know what you do."

If I know that I don't want to be with someone who makes me feel guilty for being who I am, or (FOR FUCK'S SAKE) threatens to hit me - then so be it.  

If this post is longer and more serious in tone that the others it's because I'm aware of how many YOUNG women are reading.

And I take that position seriously. 

I owe it to you girls - but most importantly, you owe it to yourselves.

I worked hard and sacrificed to get what I get

Ladies it ain't easy being independent

~ Destiny's Child

Broken Telephone.

Darlings.

Well it's rainy, I'm miserable, and I have a happy couple making out in front of me, yippee!
The good news: there's coffee, biscotti, and God has decided to bless me with weather to match my mood.
Phew.

But I digress....

Don't you just HATE it when you're sitting by the phone waiting for a guy to call or text?
It's the absolute worst.
WORST.
A professional athlete at that.
Honestly, what was I thinking??

Lord knows I've been down this road before.
For SOME reason - be it basketball, baseball and (especially lately) football...athletes love the black cat...and I can shamefully say, I love them right back.
(Well, I least I switch the sports up - actress Alyssa Milano was apparently a serial dater of major league pitchers)

Whether I want to admit to myself or not, a certain wide receiver has caught my attention.
I sulked miserably when I hadn't heard from him.
(Turns out, he had been hospitalized - no joke!)
And of course, he eventually did call.

Always ready to turn a negative to a positive, I reached out to people I hadn't talked to in ages.
Friends, family, my sister.
You know, the essentials.
It "levels" me out so-to-speak...
(Like longing for my loved ones replaces the vulnerability that comes with meeting someone new, if that's possible.)

Oh how I'd missed them.  Still do.

Look who knows what's going to happen with me and (ahem) "Mr. Player," but as my best friend reminded me - "isn't it nice to know you can still feel like that for someone?"  I had to agree.
I'm not wasting my time on dates that go nowhere anymore.
My time is too valuable.

I'd much rather be available for the people I love the most.
Including me.

Until next week...

Well sometimes I go out by myself

And I look across the water

And I think of all the things, what you're doing

And  in my head I paint a picture

~ Amy Winehouse

There Is No Greater Love...

Hi Lovelies,

I don't really have much of a topic today I'm afraid.
My mood matches the cold damp weather, I wasn't even going to write.
But then I thought - am I REALLY going to sit at home and continue crying?

Like American professor of psychology Abraham Maslow once said:
"A musician must make music, an artist must paint, a poet must write, if he is to ultimately be at peace with himself." 
So dammit here I am.

Want to know the strangest thing?
I've been crying since my parents left, I could not be more disenfranchised with the opposite sex (again) and yet - I cannot get the song "There is no greater love" out of my head.
(To think, I was declaring "I hate everybody!" shortly before crying myself to sleep last night.)

The 1936 jazz standard has been covered by everyone from Dinah Washington to Amy Winehouse, it's an optimistic look at falling in love...truly, madly deeply. 
I fell asleep with the song in my head - and woke up with it as well.
"You're the sweetest thing, that I've ever known - and to think that you are mine, alone..."

It's just so...romantic.
How could I be so CONSCIOUSLY miserable, with my subconscious dancing to this lovely little number?  

As God would have it, "mixed emotions" was the sermon at church yesterday...
Walking in faith that you're on the right path - when there is no tangible proof, is bloody hard.
We have to dig DEEP into the well and recall a time when things DID go smoothly and our footing was strong.

Well.
My idealistic side (and evil sense of humor) have always gotten me through the rain, this time and this funk will be no different.
I mean, it got me to write today.
Tears and all.

Until next week...

There is no great love than what I feel for you

No greater love, no heart so true

There is no greater thrill, than what you bring to me

No sweeter song, than what you sing to me

~ Don Darcy, Billie Holiday, Dinah Washington etc., 

The Price is Write.

Darlings,

I know I KNOW.
The blog's late, I'm sorry!
This whole week feels "off" actually.

Mercury's moving forward again, the moon's not full and the weather's lovely.
And yet...something's not quite right.
I had meetings scheduled on Monday when I'd usually be writing, and Tuesday I worked when I'd usually be off.

My mind and heart are racing, I've hardly slept a wink in DAYS...and yet I'm surprisingly calm.
(Albeit delirious.)
I have a long awaited reunion with my parents to look forward to and I couldn't be happier.
For the first time, I'll be on vacation for the entire duration of their trip.

Ah, Family.
The joys, the pains, the tears, the frustration and most importantly, the deep inexplicable connection.
Like it or not, they are a part of our fabric.
(How else can you explain loving your niece or nephew before they're even born?)

This "break" from reality could not have come at a better time for me.
It seems as though everyone is in flux.
I am surrounded by people (myself included) who are questioning their value.

Are we being "cheated" by our employers?
Did we price ourselves too low?
And if that's the case - at what point do we speak up and say "I deserve more."
(When dealing with someone that ONLY sees you as "sub par," how do you prove it??)

The problem is this: when you are belittled on a regular basis, whether it be in the form of under payment, indifference, or emotional abuse - it becomes far too easy to confuse their lies with your truth.
Very often it takes a reality check, a sign (or gift!) from God to remind yourself of who you are.

Nothing like a visit from the people who've known (and loved) me the longest to do just that.
Mom, Dad, welcome to New York.

There are places I remember

All my life, though some have changed

Some forever not for better

Some have gone and some remain

All these places have their moments

With lovers and friends I still can recall

Some are dead some are living

In my life I've loved them all

~ The Beatles

  

The Moon. The Stars. The Easter.

Dolls,

Well, I'd like to say I survived Friday's powerful full moon unscathed - but I'd be lying.

I am suffering a bit today - as the champagne campaign was in FULL effect for Easter last night.
Like my dinner date T said this morning "We're fabulous one day, hot messes the next!"
(Prosecco in Soho, empty wallets be damned.)

Where do I begin?

With the crazy drunk man nearly dropping a table (on himself!) when I got to work on Saturday morning?
I suppose we should have called the cops, but were all so...shocked.
(He later went on to mop the sidewalk - I took the opportunity to lock the door)
Needless to say he was fired.
He was the THIRD member of staff to be axed last week.

How about the guy who faked an identity to get me to call him?
I'm serious.
I took a break from men and alcohol last week, so his text message went unanswered.
What did he do?  Left a message pretending to be a client, fake name and all.
(Turns out he's also after my friend and still legally married)

I don't make this up.

Throw in a religious holiday and it's one big cocktail of frayed nerves, homesickness, and heightened emotions.
Thank God (quite literally) for church.
I didn't realize how powerful yesterday's service was until I emailed my friend C to tell her about it.
I cried.

We know that Jesus died, and that there was a resurrection.
But now what?
Like the assistant minister said, it's an incomplete sentence.

"He died, he is rose...so therefore..."
"...I'll be a better person?"
"...I'll be more forgiving?"
"...I'll have more compassion towards others?"

How do we want our OWN sentences to finish?
Not just with our faith, but our lives?
I'd like to mine to finish by knowing that the recent sacrifices I've made were worth it.
I'd like to be less stubborn when my feelings are hurt.

I remember when my best friend and I were lunching on a patio a while back.
An old lady was eating nearby...as she was leaving she said to us:
 "Girls, if you do anything at all - just have fun!"

Well.
I'm certainly doing that.

Until next week...

I'd like to greet the sun each morning

And walk amongst the stars at night

I'd like to know the taste of honey in my life

In my life

~ Lionel Richie

Miles & Mistakes

Dolls,

I can honestly say there is not an artist on the planet I love more than Miles Davis.
Composer, painter, musician, visionary and coolest-cat-on-the-planet.
I know you may be surprised to hear this from me, as I'm so forth-coming with my love of all things reggae, hip-hop and R&B.

Not to mention my idol worship of the Queen of the World, Madonna (Oh shush!)

But it's true.
Miles' speaks to me through that trumpet more than anyone.
The funny thing is, I know very little about his life.  I don't have to.
Or do I?

I recently read a review of HBO's upcoming new show "Girls."
Creator Lena Dunham, a 25-year-old writer and director has all the TV critics abuzz.
She's writing, directing and starring in a new show that promises to revolutionize TV.

While I WILL watch, (I want to support a young woman in her creative efforts) - it's the shows tag line that really caught my attention:
"Living the Dream, one Mistake at a time" 
Classic.  (And funny!)

There is a famous quote attributed to my beloved Miles that immediately came to mind when I read that:  "Do not fear mistakes, there are none"
I have searched EVERYWHERE to find out more details and context Mr. Davis was speaking in, but  have found none.

While I can forgive ANY mistakes Miles may have made musically - I'm not one of his three ex-wives, children, or people that he pissed off.
(In researching the origin of his quote, I noticed that there have already been several blogs written about this very topic.  Which I'll read once I'm finished putting this one together)

My friend April and I have been using Miles' phrase as a way of encouraging each other in our artist pursuits for years now.
But is there REALLY no such thing as a mistake?
And how will we know?

My BFF and I were just texting about the past and not being able to get those years back...sigh.
Oh to hell with it!
Who wants to live in regret anyway?

Miles has another gem that makes me happy to be alive:
"I'm always thinking about creating.  My future starts when I wake up every morning...Everyday I find something creative to do with my life."
Delicious isn't it?

Whether or not "Girls" goes on to become a television hit doesn't really matter does it?
The point is, it's creator seems to have been living her life this way for quite some time now.
And it's nice to see hard work (and play) pay off.

Onward and upward darlings...
Till next week,
-xo-

For me, music and life are all about style.

~ Miles Davis

The Silver Standard?

It's funny where Life takes us.
I've been so busy concentrating on the "fun" intentions of 2012, that I've almost missed some of the lessons.
Almost.

Well, the first quarter has now come and gone and I can proudly say that I'm letting myself out of the bubble I've been living in.
I'm not avoiding the news anymore - and yes, I'm taking your phone calls.
I'm ready to return to reality.
(Miami IS just a plane ride away)

There's more.
I'm trading up.

There's something to be said about complaining.
Some people do it just to hear the sound of their own voice, while others do it to join in on the conversation.
Nobody likes being left out after all.

And then, there's the rest of us.
We know that something's wrong, and something must be done to correct it.

So many of us were raised to put others first.
Our parents, our siblings our friends, our lovers.
I'm not talking about the 'Christian way' of showing compassion towards our fellow man either.
I'm talking about the habitual pattern of being second best.

Author Julia Cameron deems it "nonsense" that certain people never made it because of lack of talent.
Most of us never had the ego strength required to hunt for that that gold medal.
We were too busy jumping at the chance to help everybody else.
Like my cousin gently reminded me at dinner one night, "But Lauren, YOU need support too."

Show me a family where one child is raised to be the caretaker - and more often than not, you'll find one of it's members raising hell.
Unapologetically.
That's just the way it goes.

The GOOD news?
Adulthood provides us with choice.
We can change a habit and create a new one.
Not just in our expectations of ourselves - but in the way we allow people to treat us.
It's not too late.

Back to fun next week, I promise.

It's my turn

To start from number one

Trying to undo

Some damage that's been done

But now it's my turn

To reach and touch the sky

No one's gonna say

At least I didn't try

~ Diana Ross

Is that all there is?

Hi Lovelies,

Well it's a gorgeous day and I'm a little grouchy.
(Do people still say grouchy?  I'm bringing it back)
Forgive me, St Patrick's Day has come and gone and I'm left with a green manicure and slight hangover.

Where was I?

I've been thinking a lot about chemistry and physical attraction.
Remember that Sex & the City episode "I Love a Charade," when the girls go to the Hamptons for Bobby and Bitsy's wedding? 
Bobby was clearly a gay man, and Bitsy was far too old not to know the truth.
Throughout the ceremony jokes were cracked, as everyone scratched their heads wondering "WHY?!"

Just how important is sexual chemistry?
(For me - on a scale of 1 to 10 I'd say it's about 49.)
What do you do when you meet someone who's all the right things, but there's no "spark?"
Is it worth exploring?

My roommate B advised "Well, go with your gut..." to which I quickly responded, "My gut has made mistakes!"
God knows there are PLENTY of sparks out there with no substance or no family values - but they sure come with a whole lotta fun.
Perhaps I've been spoiled.

Or maybe the problem isn't that don't know what I want - it's that I DO.
Because one thing I discovered while I was in Miami, I really enjoy being single.
Am I avoiding intimacy?
Or am I just embracing my true feelings?

I mean, I haven't sold myself short thus far, why start now?
Carrie said it best at the end of the "Charade" episode:
"Some people are settling down, some people are settling...and some people refuse to settle, for anything less than butterflies..."

And don't worry darlings, it's not like I've given up on true love or anything...but for now, let's enjoy the springtime, shall we?

Until next week...

Is that all there is?

Is that all there is?

If that's all there is my friends, than let's keep dancing

Let's break the out booze and have a ball

If that's all, there is

~ Peggy Lee 

Strike 3.

I'm calling people out.

Yes it's been that type of week.
While Valentine's Day was deliciously (and drunkenly) filled with magic moments (always happens when I'm with Drew) the hangover left me seeing rather clearly.

And unlike MOST of my life, I haven't been afraid to say something.
Family, friends, dates, co-workers, employers, it's time to say what's on my mind.
As my friend S just said on the phone:
"Well now we know we've spent the better part of our lives afraid of being yelled at - but not anymore!"

It's true.
Afraid of hurting other people's feelings will always cause you to bury yours.
Unfortunately - so many of us were raised that way.

So why am I on this tear now?
I guess it started in 2011.  The year I'd rather forget.
Everyone I was close to was in agony and we all spent a good part of the year crying.
On top of that, I had to deal with abusive types at work and at home.

Being raised Christian and discouraged from using my voice growing up, I stood back and waited for these people to unravel - which naturally they did.
Like I always say: "People eventually reveal themselves"
Meaning; If someone is nasty to me for no reason - it's a matter of time before they show that side to everyone.

That's the wonderful (and terrible) thing about being a woman and looking like a girl - these haters are often clueless to my inner strength and wisdom.
Until I let them know.

No more mistaking kindness for weakness.
It IS 2012 after all.

Until next week darlings,

I think I'll follow my heart

It's a very good place to start

~ Madonna

Modern Family

Hi Guys!

I'm here in my post-Superbowl-champagne-haze glory.
(Barely.)

February brings with it a lot more than championship football.
Yup, it's that time of year again folks: Valentine's Day.
(Or as Bill Maher calls it "The holiday designed to make single people feel like shit.")

While I've been mating and dating all over Gotham City since the new year began, I'll be spending the night of the 14th with my best gay boyfriend, Drew. 
I've spent Christmases and Thanksgiving with him and his family. 
Everyone is welcome, everyone has fun.

I remember hearing Candace Bushnell (author of Sex & The City) speak when I was still living in Toronto.  During the question and answer period, a woman asked the writer why we didn't see main character's family on the show.

Having lived in NY before, I knew what Bushnell was going to say:
"The show is about Carrie Bradshaw and her friends...when you move to New York City, your friends become your family."
Ain't that the truth.

When we immigrated from Cape Town to Toronto all those years ago, a huge community awaited us (even at the airport!) making a difficult transition that much easier.
While many people follow jobs and spouses to the Big Apple, most of us come here alone.
And unless you've done it, you will never know how tough it really is.

Everything you feel is amplified when you're out of your comfort zone. 
Joy, pain, pleasure, and of course, loneliness.
The best part of vulnerability I suppose - is that it forces you to open your heart and let new people in.

I didn't go the "traditional" route of getting married and having children.
And I may never.  Who knows?
But I absolutely have a family - that I created all by myself. 

It's my proudest New York accomplishment so far.

If you let me, here's what I'll do

I'll take care of you

~Rihanna & Drake

Part 2 - Joy & Opportunity.

Hi there, me again.

This post is a continuation of "I say a little prayer for you," my last blog...
While I could have written a NOVEL, with all those thoughts in my head (I suppose that's my next move isn't it?) I wanted to give you some space to take it all in.

As mentioned yesterday, I put a request out into the Heavens and got my wish almost immediately.

What I want to talk about today is when we DON'T say a prayer, and God hooks us up regardless.
A job, contact, or even romance...can just "show up" unannounced and wait to be invited in.
(In my case online romance - seriously I'm getting these guys mixed up now, it's hysterical)

My friend got a call last week about writing a TV show for his friend. 
He came to me (we work well together) and we had a decent (funny) pilot written in less than 2 days.
I was very proud.

We didn't just "stop" what we were doing either. 
We still had jobs to do etc., but we MADE the time to get it done.
I had dates and drinks planned - and I canceled them
 
There were sooo many times - especially when I was pursuing acting, that opportunities like these were OFFERED to me and I turned them down and/or made excuses.

Not this time. 
Not this year.

........................................................

Right before I left for church on Sunday, I got an email from my darling friend C.
Her new husband found something that he thought was an old receipt and noticed it was a hand-written affirmation.
It was in my hand-writing.
Something I had given C YEARS ago:

"It is safe for me to experience joy in every aspect of my life. I love life." (Louise Hay)

Now, my mantra for 2012 thus far has been "It's time to start having fun again."
But isn't Joy just Fun's older and WISER cousin?

I'm going to use this affirmation for the next week (and boy do I need it, I've been cranky) and see where it takes me. 
I'll let you know how it goes.

Until week next my loves...

Little darling, the smiles returning to the faces
Little darling, it seems like years since it's been here
Here comes the sun
Here comes the sun, and I say
It's all right

~ The Beatles

   

Dating Call.

Helloooooo....

Well 2012 is in full swing and I'm proud to say the melancholy of last week has taken a leave of absence.

I've been far too busy going out to worry about the post-Christmas blues...
I had never tried online dating sites before kept promising myself I'd check it out one day "just to see."

What a fool I've been!
Went out with three lovely suitors last week, all gentlemen, all handsome.
(All with cool jobs!)

Yes, of course there are some crazies out there.
And sadly, lots of guys like to talk about dating from the comfort of their computers, as opposed to actually doing it.

And who are we kidding, would any one of my companions have passed up the chance to end up 'back at my place' at the end of the night?
Not bloody likely.

Just as I vow this to be my "year of fun," self-respect is still the order of the day.

One thing I hadn't bargained for was the vulnerability that comes with putting my heart on the line.  It's a little scary, I won't lie.
Especially when you meet someone that you'd love to see again.

There may not be sex in the city (just yet) but there are plenty of fish in the sea.

More next week.

I've got the sweetest hangover

I don't wanna get over...

~ Diana Ross

       

The Party's Over.

Well Darlings,
While my last post was a look-back at the past, this one is very much rooted in the present.

It's here.
The most anti-climactic month of the year - January.
No more cookies, no more parties, no more cards.
No more crowds.
Just the hangover from it all.

Growing up in Canada, January is a BRUTAL month weather-wise.
Spring feels like miles away, as the temps drop lower and lower.
My friend C and I fondly coined the phrase "Jan in Can" while emailing one day, just to cheer each other up.

I am deep in the the throws of this melancholy, lifted only by the fact that 2011 is over.

While I evaluate where I am and where I'm going for the new year, a part of me still wants to say "Merry Christmas."
Or at least capture the feeling that comes along with saying it.

Don't get me wrong, 2012 is the "year of fun" as promised.
I'm already laughing more.
And for the life of me - I cannot keep up with the many emails thanks to an online dating site I just joined.
This should be good.

More next week.....

In my heart the fire's burnin'
Choose my color find a star
Precious people always tell me
That's a step, a step too far

~ Culture Club