The Secret

Darlings,

Where do I begin?
It's been nearly 3 months since my last post.

I'm not going to lie, things have been rather...difficult.
Growing pains of the worst kind.
September was filled with job hunting, jobs that fell through, crippling anxiety attacks and angst towards life in general.

Its not easy to admit.
Whether it's a Funk, the Blues, or The Mean Reds, winter is more than just a season.
It's the reason I haven't written - I felt like I had nothing to say.
I was wallowing so badly that I would have been embarrassed to just sit here and complain.

That was then.

When you choose the road less traveled, as I have, you learn (quickly!) that things can change at the drop of a hat.  But it's usually preceded by a shift in attitude.
Don't get me wrong, I was going thru a spell of "bad luck" as we all do, and being away from my family only makes it harder; but indulging in self-pity is hardly the fast track to success.

I finally just said "screw this" and headed to my dusty bookshelf.  Out came Napoleon Hill's "Think & Grow Rich."  Yes ladies and gentleman, the OG of self-help books.   
I've since read several other books and would you believe EVERY single one of them (including Tony Robbins) quote Hill at some point. 

While visualizing and writing "I am a billionaire by 2015" may seem far fetched and unrealistic, it kinda beats "my life sucks!" being affirmed over and over again. 
(Truth be told, six months after watching "The Secret" in Toronto and visualizing The Empire State Building, I was back in New York, working around the corner from guess which building?)

This past Thanksgiving was spent with best friends who have become my family.
I am TRULY blessed to have them in my life, they have embraced me as if we've been together forever.
I left the city early to spend more time with them and within 10 minutes of my arrival there was wine poured and we were sitting by the fire catching up...

Not long after I arrived, another friend showed up who was MISERABLE.
I don't recall him complaining about anything in particular, just life in general, and it was awful.
Here we were vibe-ing, drinking, music-ing and all out reveling in each other's company - when this guy (we'll call him "Negative Ned") showed up and disturbed our fabulous eco-system.

Don't get me wrong; I am a VERY loyal friend.
If you need me, I'll be there, everyone who knows me knows that...and I will always listen if you need to vent, and even come up with a solution - that's what friends are for.
But if you're miserable with no aspirations other than to spread your doom around (like the friend who told me my recent job prospect probably "won't work out")  there's a reason we don't see each other as much. 

Life is hard enough as it is, Negative Ned's be damned.

And for those of you who think I'm being a hypocrite because I spent the fall luxuriating in despair, think again.  During that time I hosted guests from Toronto, Houston, Johannesburg  (and Toronto again!) and I STILL managed to laugh and drink and twerk my way through it, knowing that "this too shall pass."   

As for my anxiety attacks?
Turns out I've developed a reaction peanut butter. 
Stomach pains, heart palpations and hives were a result of peanuts, not stress.
Phew.

On a serious note, the Holidays can be tough.

While my real family is piecing their lives together after Alison's death last summer...my Thanksgiving family shares our pain as they have suffered similar losses, many years ago...
Still, there was laughter, singing, a beautiful prayer before dinner courtesy of Aunt Donna (on speakerphone because she was traveling) and yes, some tears too.
(Even now, after mentioning Alison, I had to step away from this computer and have a good long cry.)

Here's the thing.  Life goes on because it has to. 
There are people who are depending on us, and who need us - and we may not even meet them.
It's the reason I write this blog.

If I am lucky enough to be alive and well than I'm going to be of use and enjoy my time while I'm here.  Like Drew and I said before the family for dinner arrived last week, "It's a good Life."
Even Negative Ned came around. 
He picked up the tab for our MANY cocktails Thanksgiving Eve and managed to enjoy his night.

Just don't tell him I told you : )

Things haven't been the same

Since you came into my life

You've found a way to touch my soul

And I'm never, ever, ever gonna let it go

 

Happiness lies in your own hands

It' took me much too long to understand

How it could be

Until you shared your Secret with me

 

Something's coming over

Mmm mmm something's coming over

Mmm mmm something's coming over

Something's coming over me

My baby's got a Secret

 

~ Madonna

 

 

 



Teen Spirit.

It's been a while. 
Hope this blog finds you well.

The other day, an account I follow on Instagram posted a pic - it was a black screen, and along the bottom where the words;
this time,
last year,
everything was so different...

It hit me like a punch to the stomach.
Can you imagine, this time last year my cousin still had 2 daughters?
That by the end of the week, their 16 year old daughter Alison would be dead?
A lot can happen in a year.

Although I'm in another city, I too have been rebuilding my life since that horrible phone call.
Friends have come and gone, and I'm much more selective about how I spend my time and who I spend it with.  Sometimes I wonder if I've become too selective?  If, in my grief-stricken haze, I've confused my disappointment in loved ones with my anger at losing my cousin? 

Regardless, the walls I've built around myself are starting to crumble, and if I'm not careful - I'll end up falling down with them.  After all, "no man is an island" as that saying goes.  And God knows I'm not perfect either (I mean, I AM - I just think posting that would be arrogant, ha.)

Man.
Remember what 16 was like?
The friends, the boys, the girls, the laughs and oh the tears...
Whenever I feel the heaviness of adulthood, with all it's heartache, frustrations, sleepless nights, bill payments, and bullshit - I think of Alison.

I think about making an impact in my own life because hers was cut so short, and about how her spirit affected so many.  Not only did she save lives by donating her organs - thanks to the hard work of her older sister Jaclyn, she's helped raised thousands to find a cure for the disease that killed her.  (https://www.facebook.com/AlisonsArmy) 
 
It really is amazing how the death of a young person forces us to reflect.
Look at Trayvon Martin's passing.

All of a sudden, an ugly mirror is being held up and whether we like it or not we can't ignore it.
Like my friend and I said the other day, "That child did not die in vain..."
Watching his parents behave with such strength and class, (when they'd have a perfect excuse not to) gives us the courage to say, "If they can function with such poise, I can too."
Aspirational indeed.

Lately I've been having a tough time.

I've been creatively stifled, financially strapped and I stopped going to church. 
Despite all this, I've been working out a lot more and researching my next business venture.
There's something so debilitating about being in that "in between" phase isn't it? 
It's like waiting for vegetation to sprout from the soil.

Like my darling friend Cass said last night, "I love you Laur - you'll get to the next part..."
She's right.
I'll get there because I have to.
I'll get there because I have the opportunity.
And that has to count for something.

Time,

Time,

Time,

See what's become of me

While I looked around for my possibilities

 

I was so hard to please

Look around,

Leaves are brown

And the sky is a hazy shade of winter

 

Hear the Salvation Army band

Down by the riverside,

There's bound to be a better ride

Than what you've got planned

 

Carry a gun in your hand.

Look around,

Leaves are brown,

And the sky is a hazy shade of winter.

 

Hang on to your hopes my friend,

That's an easy thing to say,

But if your hopes should pass away,

Simply pretend - that you can build them again

 

Look around,

Grass is high,

Fields are ripe

IT'S THE SPRINGTIME OF MY LIFE

 

Seasons change with the scenery,

Weaving time in a tapestry,

Won't you stop and remember me?

 

~ The Bangles

(Paul Simon)

  

 

 

 

   

The Good Life?

For Agata, Tanya & Kory -xo-

Darlings,

Well well well.

I missed a few weeks again didn't I?

And here I was declaring that I was "back."

But wait, I can explain!

As of my last post (seen here: http://blackcatbaby-imjustsayin.blogspot.com/2013/03/2013.html)

I didn't know that in 2 short weeks I'd be headed back to Cali.

Our show "My Friends Think I'm Funny" got into a web series festival, and off I was to Los Angeles!

Oddly enough, in my last post - I reminisced to my 2012 travels to Miami and LA, and this year I went to both places in less than a month!

Well, something had to change.

About 8 weeks ago, I did a 2 week strict dietary cleanse to prepare for my birthday jaunt in South Beach.  I continued the "health watch" by giving up fried food for Lent and alcohol during the week.

It's as though my pride kicked in to a time when I took better care of myself - and my ego reminded me that I deserved to look (and I suppose feel) better.

I mean, I AM Blackcatbaby, dammit.

I've always been into fitness and looking my very best, but a painful back injury sidelined me from exercising at the level I was used to.

It is now almost 100% healed.

As I always do every birthday, I reflect on where I've been and where I'm going...

At the same time, a good friend of mine was thinking of me.

She didn't quite know how to tell that she was worried.

She said, "I don't know how to tell you this, but what you're doing in your life isn't working...you are young and vibrant...why aren't you kicking more doors down?"

Believe it or not, I laughed.

I had JUST written "Why am I not kicking doors down?" as a note to include in this very blog.

That's the thing about getting older - you're forced to look at yourself whether you want to or not.

One part of me has this sense of time and reality, (as opposed to being in denial and pining for younger years) while another part is keenly aware that I've sold myself short and not dreamed big enough.

The thing is, when you chose the road less traveled (as I have) with little support, so much of your
existence becomes about survival...do I reach for the stars, or pay my rent?

Sometimes I pat myself on the back for not having a nervous breakdown!

(Well, it's still early.)

..........................................

I'm not going to lie; I was much more upbeat when I started this blog a few weeks ago when I first got home.

It's cold, damp and cloudy here in New York and my mood matches the weather...

My LA trip (and the kind souls I met while there) was such a nice surprise - I worked my ass off to make it happen.

On the flight home though, I cried because I had just missed Easter with my family.

Nobody said it would be easy.

However, I can proudly state that I take responsibility for this Life I've created.

Yes, there have been tears - but there have been just as many laughs to go along with all the characters in My Story.

I mean, it's hardly been boring.

In the March issue of Vogue, designer Phoebe Philo affirmed, "Friendships get older. Marriages get longer. Children get older. I love that. I love a sense of history within my little life. It's just journeys - and it's been such an interesting journey."

I couldn't agree more.

Until next week...

I always had a passion for flashin'

Before I had it, I closed my eyes and imagined

The Good Life

Better than the Life I lived when I thought that I was gonna go crazy

- Kanye West & T-Pain

 

 



 



2013.

It's been a while darlings.
Three months to be exact.
A bit longer than that, actually.

I don't really have a reason or excuse for my absence...yes I'd been working a lot - but that has always been the case. 
It's hard to talk (or write) about what you feel when you're unsure of what "it" is.
If anything, I guess I'm a little disenfranchised...
Not with this blog, (or you my lovely reader) but with Life in general.

My last post took place right before Christmas...
I entered 2013 completely and totally exhausted.
Emotionally, physically, psychologically and especially spiritually.
That last part's not easy to admit.
 I mean, Life is generally "easier" if you believe God has a plan for you, isn't it?

In many ways, 2012 was 2 years in one.

The first 7 months were pure ignorant bliss...
I quoted a Jersey Shore cast member by exclaiming "Life is a holiday!"
And it was.
I breezed to Miami for my birthday, schmoozed in Hollywood, dated online, and made this blog a weekly column.

Three weeks into July, all of that changed with the sudden death of our cousin Alison. 
The grief that followed can't even be described here.  And for me it was more than grief, it was isolation as my family lives in another city. 
My year was quite literally ripped in half.

Everything that I knew to be real was gone.

I don't think I mentioned this before, but at the time of Alison's death I had begun seeing someone. 
We had spoken about becoming more serious about a week prior to that horrible news - and when I asked if he could come over, he didn't.
I haven't seen him since.
 
While modern technology has allowed me to express myself in this really cool way, I am going to say something important so please pay attention:
A text message and/or phone call will not save someone who is drowning. You have to JUMP INTO the water and get wet if you want your loved one see another day.

And to those of you who did that for me last year, thank you.
You helped bring me back to Life.

The discussion at my church tonight is about forgiveness.  I won't be going.
I'm not quite there yet.
But I am back.
And I've missed you.

Until next week...

Little Darling

I feel that ice is slowly melting

Little Darling

It seems like years since it's been clear

Here comes the sun

Here comes the sun, and I say

It's all right

~ The Beatles



Heavy.

Hi darlings.

Well I had planned on writing part 2 of my last post.
But the events of the last few days caused to come to come to this computer quite unexpectedly.

Well the good news is, I became an aunt again!
To a beautiful little girl - so exciting for my brother and his growing family.
It's nice when there's something "bright" happening in our lives after such a difficult year.

The next morning, my cousin Gary and his daughter Jaclyn were on the radio live in Toronto discussing donations to a charity on behalf of Alison's memory.  You could hear the pain in everyones voices including the morning show announcers - Christmas will be tough.

I dosed back off after listening online, and awoke to find out about the shootings in Newtown.
The blanket of grief that has covered us since Alison's death came back in floods.
(I was emotional enough after hearing my family on the radio, but I was also really proud.  To use a tragedy to help others is God in action right there)

The death of a young person just hits you at a different angle once you've experienced it in your own life.  Nothing is ever the same.  It's a punch in the stomach.  (In fact the same sentiment was echoed by comedian Chelsea Handler in a recent interview with Katie Couric.  Her brother died in an accident when she was 10.) 

A family is never the same.

I felt this when my friend lost his sister in August, and then again when my friend's ex boyfriend committed suicide.  News headlines are no different.  I felt sick when hearing about NFL player Torrey Smith's brother dying so young.  Then came the news out of Newtown.

It's unfathomable.

The range of emotions (in just over 24 hours) that happened with the birth of my niece, to hearing my brave cousins on the radio, to the shootings in Connecticut is hard to explain.
It's just....heavy.

I had plans on on Friday evening.
And I thank God because I may not have been able to get out of bed otherwise.

I don't really have any advice or words of wisdom. 
But tomorrow I'll be returning to church for the first time since Alison died.  (And it's the Christmas concert which has me in tears during the BEST of times, so wish me luck)

While a biblical  service can't replace loved ones that went too soon, there is comfort in knowing that we're not alone - and that we grieve together.

Until next week...

We're beautiful like Diamonds in the sky

Rihanna

Moment-um (Part 1)

Hi Loves,

Hope all is well with you during this Festive Season...it can be stressful that's for sure.
Holidays bring up all SORTS of stuff. 
Money, (or lack thereof) food (too much!) and of course, family.

This is a very tough time for my loved ones, as we continue to mourn the loss of my cousin Alison -the first Christmas without her. 
I cannot imagine what it is like for her parents and sister.
My own anger put a dark veil on life's landscape - what must their pain be like?

I shudder.
I pray.

As of December 1st I stopped using the phrase "I hate everybody." 
It's a phrase that's jokingly (or not so jokingly) been used by my friends & I for quite some time, but after Alison's passing it took a more resentful tone.  I've done enough reading and self-care to know that our words and thoughts create our future - what am I creating by "fun" anger and bitterness?

Yes of course a huge part of it is grief.

But the main reason I stopped saying "hate" is because I came to the realization that SOMEWHERE along the line I began believing that Life is a struggle and everything is so damn hard.  (And this was before Alison died.)  I have a roof over my head, I live in the greatest city in the world and most of all, I've created a life for myself.

Like my best friend said the other night on the phone "We've always questioned ourselves and taken action - we're not people who just let Life happen to them."   
Then what the hell is my bloody problem?
When did cynicism set in?

Well, I decided to go back to the book that started it all for me (over a decade ago) and re-ordered Louise L. Hay's "You Can Heal Your Life."  Even though I've read a the book a million times, I find myself really resisting her message "what you put out comes back to you."  What about the friends that let you down (or worse) the family who's not there when you need them?

What about all the evil and injustice in this world? 

Do we really attract EVERY bad experience?
(And before we hate on Louise Hay, this is a woman who was raped, had a baby in high school, beat cancer and helped AIDS patients when they had NO support from the medical community in the early 80s.)

Now in her 8th decade, she continues to tell people "It's never too late to change.  If I can do it, so can you..."

Because I ordered a recent copy of the book, it came with a DVD. 
Much like "The Secret" there are host of self-help gurus and speakers who talk passionately throughout...and even though I had it on in "the background" (while doing my nails) I cried and cried.

I don't want to become someone that only laments about what's not fair and what is difficult.
Life's too short.

It always makes me sad to see the posts from Alison's friends who say they miss her encouragement and advice when they are down.
How did she manage to encourage anyone between her hospital stays and health problems?
Perhaps even as a teen she knew that Life is what you make it no matter WHAT hand you're dealt.

Because ultimately, that's the truth.

To be continued...    

Tired of living day to day like everything's alright

Just waiting on that moment

Waiting on my moment

~ DJ Drama 

A Place of No & The Shift

For Jill, PJ, and Elise, with love.

Sigh.
Another day another dollar.
How it's almost the end of 2012 is beyond me.

I was saying to my mom on the phone the other night; although the year has flown by, for our family it feels like decades in some ways.
The year started with Alison still being alive, and despite her health problems, full of promise.
How quickly it can all change.

I'll never forget when my sister called that fateful July morning - I could hear the strain in her voice when she asked where I was...
"Alison was rushed to hospital" she said.
I went blank. "Ali who?"
"Our cousin."

Those of you who've had life-changing deaths (and births) will understand what I mean I say that your year gets broken up into "before" and "after" making it feel longer.
Many of you who lost homes/cars/power/loved ones during Hurricane Sandy also know what I mean. 
This Thanksgiving will be bittersweet for the tri-state area, as we ALL know people who were affected by the storm.

For my family, Christmas will be heartbreaking.

 

But as often happens in life, storms have aftermaths that bring people together and I got lucky. 

I had family friends in town, for the NY Marathon that never happened.

Was SO good to see them.

Like when I usually have visitors, I was emotional, homesick and grateful all at once.

(I also drank too much but Life is hard)

 

Also, after the a major loss, our family has been blessed with several births - if only to remind us that Life too, is precious.

 

............................................................................................

 

If you've been following this blog, you'll know that I'd been reading Bethenny Frankel's book "A Place of  Yes." 

I recently completed it and I must say I was impressed.

As somebody who writes about her own life, I can appreciate how tough it is to be that candid.

And she REALLY told her story - childhood trauma and all.

 

More than anything, it helped me to look at the positive steps I've taken in my life, while reflecting on the negative ones - and letting them go.

My cousin and I had a great talk while he was here.

Sure it was 4 in the morning and there MANY cocktails in our system, but I remember the conversation.



We talked about our own families, and he reminded me that there are those who truly feel that they CAN'T. 

They can't speak up.
They can't find joy in the simple things.
They can't take a stand
They can't take that risk.
Even if it's the best possible thing for them.

Bethenny reflects on how much she enjoys motherhood in the book.
Now that she's a parent, she cannot imagine HOW her mother could leave her as a child. 
But that's the hand she was dealt, and she found a way to survive.
Let's just say, I have a little more empathy towards those I feel I've been "wronged" by now.  

Some people just can't seem to get out of their own way.
The trick is to not let them hold YOU back.
Constantly paying for other people because they're perpetually broke (or unwilling to get a 2nd job like I had to!) and being dragged into their dramas is a thing of the past.

Alison's death changed that for me, almost accidentally.

As a result, I spend more time on creative ventures and I don't think it's a coincidence that people are taking notice.  Like another recent visitor said to me "It's amazing when you can see the shift happening."
I responded, "Ohhh the shift...I like it!"

The stars can align quickly, but in most cases (well mine anyway) it happens after years of struggling and even more years of crying.
But better a few difficult years than a lifetime of regret.

A canceled marathon didn't stop my friend from running one in Central Park (jet-lagged from Australia!) 
She trained for it, and dammit, she did it.
I told her: "You got the REAL New York experience, you were told NO and found a way."

Push past the words "I can't" and see where it gets you.
Good luck darlings.

Until next week...

Why do you look so sad and forsaken?

When one door is closed, don't you know, another is open?

~ Bob Marley



A Place of Yes

It is better to look ahead and prepare than to look back and regret 

~ Jackie Joyner-Kersee

Sup,

I am currently reading "A Place of Yes - 10 Rules for getting everything you want out of life" by Bethenny Frankel.  I already knew who Bethenny was but had never watched any of her shows. (Surprising since I watch other cities from the "Real Housewives" franchise, I just never got around to New York - and I live here!)

About a year ago, my friend Matt (aka Dr. Feelgood) told me that Bethenny was the biggest "winner" of all the reality TV stars with the her Skinny Girl Cocktails.  REALLY?  How could I have missed this?  (That's the thing about being a New Yorker - the Pope could be standing in front of you and you'd be too busy texting or hailing a cab to notice.)

I came across her show "Bethenny Ever After" earlier this year by accident, and could not look away.

I totally see why she got her own spin-off series, she's hilarious.  You can tell that she's being herself - even if it is hammed up for TV.  (Say what you want about the Kardashians, they're playing themselves so well that you can't help but watch.  Of course, famous husbands/boyfriends/step-dads don't hurt either)

On her new talk show, Bethenny featured a guest who changed her life thanks to "A Place of Yes" so I thought I'd give it a shot too.

My sister and I were going to read the book together.  But conflicting schedules and different cities make it difficult to talk as much.  And if I've learned one thing from the school-of-hard-knocks - it's never wait on somebody else when YOU are ready to move forward with your life.  (Or in my case, always impatient to move forward!)

I included the quote at the top of this post because I always felt that not preparing better was my main regret in life.  But can you really plan when you are creating a life in "unknown" territory?  When my parents decided to leave Cape Town and relocate us to Toronto - they never thought that one day apartheid would end.  All they knew was that there are better opportunities for us and our family NOW, so they hit the road praying that it would all work out.

And it did.

I studied acting and film production in school - if that's not a career path of unpredictability, I don't know what is.  It's not like I studied law with dreams of becoming a politician or a judge.  (God I could never stay in school that long!)  All I REALLY wanted to do was become a grown up and work.  (I mean, I'm sure when my parents immigrated they had hoped for a lawyer in the family, but at the very least, they set us up so that we could decide for ourselves.) 

Which brings me back to Bethheny. 

While I'm still in the beginning stages of the book (chapter # 3 "Act on it") I've decided to cut myself some slack for not having everything so "mapped out" and prepared in my life.  I am where I am today because when things fell apart, I kept moving forward. 
Because I had to.

There is something to be said for being a risk taker and going it alone.  I have always admired people like that, and so I became one.  (Of course, anyone that "makes it" in life never REALLY did it alone.
I've had bosses that gave me a shot and multiple loans from my parents to be thankful for.)  Like my cousin Hamilton said to me when I left Toronto for New York, "All you're doing is exactly what our parents did.  You moved somewhere for a better opportunity."

He's right.

If I hadn't struggled early, I wouldn't have had the courage to risk struggling again for a more fulfilling present and future.  I may not be sitting on a pile of cash (yet) but I have 3 projects on the go and have a friend designing my logo for blackcatbaby.com (thanks Jill!) launching next year.

While I still cry all the time for my cousin Alison who died too soon, I am using my creative endeavours to honor her memory. 
Because I want to. 

Until next week...

And when my life is over

Remember we were together

We were alone and I was singing this song for you

~ Donny Hathaway/Amy Winehouse



  



  



 

Much ado about Everything

Dolls,

There is this nagging feeling that something needs to change.
If you've been following this blog over the last few months than you know something already has.  Our family suffered a devastating loss and we are all still recovering from it.
Or at least trying to.

I've come to the conclusion that there is no making "sense" of the fact that my cousin lost his beautiful daughter - or that she was chosen to suffer from an illness the last 5 years of her life.
I do know that it makes me sad.
And I doubt that there will come a time when it won't.

In my own life, I feel "stuck" emotionally and physically.
I twisted my ankle recently and am unable to exercise...between that and 'grief eating' the weight gain is noticeable.  It's just where I'm at right now.
I make no excuses.

I once read that when we don't want to be vulnerable, we will 'develop' a layer of fat to protect ourselves from being hurt.
Interesting.
Before Alison passed away, 2012 was on it's way to becoming one of the best years ever.
I was traveling, dating, drinking, dancing.

I'm almost embarrassed by my blogs prior to that fateful phone call.
But that's how it was then - and at the very least, I was making the most of my life.
Or so I thought.
I've realized something; somewhere along the way I stopped Dreaming Big.

What happened to my ambition?
Did it get lost in day-to-day life?

I was never "just" a dreamer.
I always to managed to somehow forge ahead and walk the talk.
(That's why the extra pounds ain't bothering me, I'll lose it, watch me.)
I remember when an old friend (also named Alison) counted the qualities in her friends that she most admired - mine was loyalty and ambition.

The problem is that loyalty always came first - and I spent much of my life trying to rescue people who couldn't even help themselves.  Or didn't want to.
As a result, my own needs were swallowed.
My NY Mom, Deb, said it best;
"If I were to die, you would take the day off work to come to my funeral - but you can't be there for me when I'm alive?"
Bingo.

In many ways, I'm not only mourning a loss, I'm mourning the old Me.
And the people that I used to know.

It's not about being cold and callus.
It's about being clear.
Or, as an email sent to me by my real mom said; surrounding yourself with "those who add and multiply making you more than you are - not those who subtract and divide, thereby devaluing you."

SIGH.

I was messaging with my cousin Kiana the other night and it was such an important conversation for us both.  I don't know HOW her and her sister have managed to hold it together in the wake of Alison's death, but they have.  She told me that Alison wanted to become a social worker.  Through my tears, I replied, "She IS a social worker.  She brought the family closer together, and in a strange way has us reevaluating our own lives as we know it."

It's true.
Some decisions have to be made - I can't avoid them forever.
In the meantime, I'll allow myself time to heal.
Physically and emotionally.

Until next week -xo-

Lady picture show

She hides behind the bedroom door

Lady picture show

She  hides behind the bedroom wall

She hides because she don't know nothin'

Don't know nothin' anymore

She keeps a funny face it's locked and bagged

It's just outside the door

She doesn't know her name

She doesn't know her face

She doesn't know her name

She doesn't know her face

~ Stone Temple Pilots

The King and I

There comes a time in your life when you take a leap of faith and just jump.  Sometimes it happens because the next step is obvious; you graduate because school is finished.  Most of the time though, we jump simply because we have to.  Unaware of what the future holds, we surge ahead and pray like hell.

In fact, I've "started over" so often, that I'm almost embarrassed by how long I lamented on my decision was to come back to New York.  For better or worse, trusting my gut has become second nature.  I've walked away from jobs (when I needed the money) and relationships all on the instinct that I simply deserved better.

The economy has also forced many of us to start over - whether we or wanted to or not.
This is after all, this is the second recession in my lifetime (does that make me generation X or Y?  I never know.  Mom?) so resourcefulness is a must.  It is times like these that we choose to be a leader or a victim.

The best part of uncertainty?  If all else fails, we can create something.

Which bring me to my subject of today's blog: The "King" of Comedy, Walter Latham.
Never heard of him?
Well, chances are you've heard of some people whose careers he helped launch: Chris Tucker, Bernie Mac, Steve Harvey D.L. Hughley, Tyler Perry, Cedric the Entertainer and the list goes on...

A brief history; In 1997 Mr. Latham launched the "Kings of Comedy" tour featuring Bernie Mac Steve Harvey, Cedric the Entertainer and later adding D.L. Hughley.  It was a massive success.  So much so, that it went on to become a movie directed by Spike Lee and produced by MTV films.  That was only the beginning...he went on to produce more shows "The Queens of comedy" starring Mo'Nique and the "Latin Kings of comedy" with Paul Rodriguez.

Seriously, the guy doesn't stop.

Not surprisingly, Mr. Latham originates from Brooklyn New York...and like the city itself he rarely sleeps.
Whenever I ask him how he's doing, his response is always the same; " Tired.  How are you?"
Did I mention he's also a loving father and handsome?
(I know)
But wait, there's more!

Always the innovator, he is now the proud owner of his own YouTube channel. (youtube.com/walterlatham)
Launched earlier this year, when asked what his "realistic ambition" was for the channel, he responded "...in 30 years from now, we will be looked at as the better version of BET - but on the internet."
Snap.

As brazen as that sounds - he may be on to something.

Having grown up in Canada, it was BET that introduced me to many of the comics seen on Latham's channel now, like Michael Blackson.  Blackson has a weekly show called "Black Fridays" on the site and he is hysterical.  The guy is fearless.  There's another show called "Comedy After Dark" featuring up and coming comics, taped at strip club and hosted by Jenna Jameson!

A spokesperson at YouTube had this to say:  "YouTube has long been a place where people come for a laugh, and with new, and original programming from established personalities like Walter Latham, people can find even more content they enjoy, and creators can gain a fast loyal audience in return."

My favorite thing about the channel?
The fact that Latham is responsible for what he puts online and takes his influence on the younger generation seriously.  Every Sunday, he posts a video from his "Relentless" series.  He asks friends and colleagues to speak about their life experiences "to give back to our community if only in this small way."

My video for the series went up last week, and can be seen at the bottom of this post.
Mr. Latham asked me to record at a time when I NEVER would have considered going on camera.  Our family had just suffered the tragic loss of my cousin Alison, and a few weeks after that, my aunt passed away.  I had every intention of saying no, or at least postponing until I felt "better."

But I thought of Alison (only 16 when she died) and her devastated friends who might need some guidance, and I hope I was able to provide something that could help.
If I can say anything to you guys reading this now, it's just to keep going.

Walter, thank you for reaching out to me.
Best of luck with everything.
www.youtube.com/walterlatham

Below is the link to my video, enjoy!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GvurasmW6Kc&feature=youtube_gdata_player

I move onward, the only direction

~ Jay Z

I'm with you.

Another emotional weekend.

Thankfully, God was watching and I was among friends who understood.
I went upstate (again) and this time was joined by my "NY mom" who had buried her own son and nephew years ago when they were teens.
She welcomed me with open arms and deepest sympathies for Alison and Auntie Naomi.

She played me a beautiful video of her niece singing a song that she wrote for her late brother...it was heart-wrenching to watch...my friend looked at me and said "This is what you are all going through now, it was written this about a month after he died..."

NY mom also told me that "there will be strangers who'll step up and be there for you - and you'll be heartbroken by friends those who aren't...your relationships will change because YOU have changed..."
(I told you she understood!)

Have I changed?
Well, I now hate being alone, and resent everyone who's happy.
I thought I was over the latter - until I saw a father and his daughter fishing by a pond earlier and wanted to push them both in.
(Forgive me Jesus.)

It's just so unfair.

But in it's own (bitter) sweet way, Life goes on.
Simply because it has to.

For those of you that don't know me - I work in comedy.
I am not a comedian - but am surrounded by them and we recently finished work on TV pilots that I produced.  Myself and my partners are pretty new at this (at TV shows, they've been comics for years) so I spend a LOT of time on social media - to promote this blog and our company.

Through the "magic" of modern technology, I was introduced to producer Walter Latham.
Of course I had heard of him.
The Kings of Comedy tour was HUGE - and I had read that he was launching a youtube channel.
My partners and I had even discussed approaching him about our TV projects.

As fate would have it, he contacted me.
Not only did he ask me to write a blog about the new channel, he asked me to contribute to his weekly series of videos "RELENTLESS" uploaded every Sunday.
I'd be recording myself with a message to inspire the youth...or something like that.

At the time I was too busy with 2 jobs to be flattered.
I responded by letting him know that I'd soon be finishing up at my weekend job, and would start working on them afterwards.
A week after that conversation Alison was gone.

Other than writing about my grief - any other blog seemed contrived.
And what the hell could I possibly have to say to inspire the youth???
I could barely inspire myself to get out of bed.
Walter sent another email asking me to record - the same day my Aunt Naomi passed away.

As it happened, my friend/producing partner Steve re-arranged his schedule to film me, so I had no choice but to go through with it.
I still wasn't sure what I'd say on camera, but I knew that Alison's death had touched too many people for me not to say anything.

As I gathered my things to go meet Steve I came across this Russian Proverb:
"Pray to God but continue to row toward shore."
That's it.
I have to keep going.
If not for myself, for my family.

Even through the tears and bottles of red wine on the weekend, when NY Mom said the word "documentary" I found myself taking notes on a napkin.
I suppose Creativity and Pain are as linked as Comedy and Tragedy.

My video and blog about Walter Latham Comedy will be available next week.

.........................................................

When I got back to the city (after a LONG bus ride) there were no cabs to be had and I found myself walking.
I was alone again.
I reached out to my sister (via text) and told her I had cried all weekend and she said she had done the same.

I continued walking east and realized I was in Bryant Park.
I looked up and saw the Chrysler Building straight ahead and the Empire State Building on my right.
It's as though I could feel the city putting it's arm around me to let me know I wasn't alone.

Just minutes before my phone went off with a message from my sister:
"I am here for you."
And thank God for that.

I'm looking for a place

I'm searching for a face

Is anybody here I know?

Cause nothing's going right

And everything's a mess

And no one likes to be alone

Isn't anyone trying to find me?

Won't somebody come take me home

It's a damn cold night

Trying to figure out this Life

Won't you take me by the hand 

Take me somewhere new

I don't know who you are 

But I...I'm with you

I'm with you

~ Avril Lavigne 

The Mourning After. Again.

I wasn't able to make it home for Alison's funeral.

It's a long story but my cousin understood as we have family members around the world who could not be there.
Our hearts were so heavy.

For the first time, I believe that my family understood what it's like to be me.
To love so much, but to be far away.
And more importantly - the sheer agony of grieving alone.

Thankfully, I wasn't physically alone.
That weekend, my "bestie" Drew hosted me at his house upstate and took such good care of me.
He has no idea how much he helped.

My dear friend C (who lost her father a year ago) sent me a beautiful card.
She told me that there was a "grace to grieving" and reminded me of the importance of "letting grief in."
She spoke of taking those times of solitude if need be, and to spend some time in nature.

Well.
Yesterday I did just that.
Summer is my favorite season, and on a last minute decision - made plans to go to the beach.
Ah the healing powers of the ocean...it speaks to us you know?

It was there that I received more sad news.

My great aunt passed away in Cape Town.
She had been ill, but not for too long, thank God.
I had to remove myself from the beach blanket and inform my parents...it wasn't easy.

Auntie Naomi.
She was sooo lovely.
So charming, so like her sister, (my late grandmother) and had such affection for us kids.
When my mom last saw her only a few months ago, she asked about me.
"How's my girlie?  Send her my love."

Naturally, I'm in tears again.
Alone.  (Again)

I have been pleasantly surprised by my (newer) friends, who have constantly checked in; a quick text, lunch, phone call, anything.  Unfortunately, some of my "best friends" have really let me down and it breaks my heart.

I get it, death makes people uncomfortable - but excuses ain't bringing my loved ones back.  And for God's sake, we're grown.
(If I take your tearful phone calls in the middle of the night, you can surely take mine.)

It's amazing how through the fog of mourning - we begin to see clearly.
But more on that later.

While saddened, we can take solace in knowing that Auntie Naomi is with her siblings now, laughing away in Heaven, talking about the good 'ol days.
At 87, she lived a good life.

But how do we move forward after losing Alison?
She was only 16 years old.
Most of the shock is gone...and now the sadness really begins.
I cry every night - and for the first time in my life, I truly hate being alone.

My sister said it best:
"People don't understand just how close our family is.."
She's right.

Last night, my 9-year-old nephew who was overwhelmed by all the sad news and asked to call me.
We talked for an hour.
We talked about Life, death, soccer, school, his mean teacher, the Empire State Building, the Olympics,  more soccer, cats vs dogs, the Blue Jays and video games.
(Did I forget anything??)

He later told my mom about the call.
"Granny...I just had the most EPIC conversation with Auntie!  The best phone call of my life!"
Mine too.
Mine too.

I'm thinking of you Lyn.
-xo-

I've  seen lonely times when I could not find a friend

But I always thought that I'd see you, baby, one more time again.

~ James Taylor

Limited Time Offer.

Sweethearts,

So much to say and nothing to write.
Time is at a stand still it sucks.
Mercury is in retrograde.

(From www.astrology.com)
What happens when Mercury retrogrades? You miss appointments, your computer equipment crashes, checks get lost, you find the car you just purchased during Mercury retrograde is a lemon...There will be countless delays, cancellations and postponements--but know these will benefit you in the long run. Don't fight them, although your frustration level and feeling of restlessness will be hard to cope with at times.

Frustrated?  Check.
RESTLESS?  Yup.
Hard to cope?  Jackpot
If any of you are feeling this way, trust me, I have you in my prayers.
(As I write this, I have had NUMEROUS problems with blogger and am not even sure you'll be able to read this post!)

The shitty part about moments like this, is that all you can do is "wait it out."
Patience is NOT always a virtue, and it's easy to feel like you're going nuts.
I know I do.
With the exception of one or two loved ones, I feel disconnected from most of the people in my life and need to withdraw.

If you are an "action" person like myself, then you know how difficult standing still can be.
(I'll just sit here meditating while my life figures itself out!)
Dammit man.

You can't force fate's hands - and when you do, (or try to) it usually proves disastrous.
It's just like that sometimes.

The good news?
I followed my heart and freed myself from a job that was taking more than it was giving.
As much as I appreciated the extra income and am grateful for my newfound friends, it served it's purpose.
It was time.

Time.
Isn't it amazing how much more valuable time is than money?
Other than our health, it really is our most precious resource.
Almost IMMEDIATELY other job opportunities came to me, so I know I made the right choice.
But I won't follow up on any of them just yet.

I will humbly practice some patience and wait.

Don't make me feel any colder

Time is like a clock in my heart

Touch we touch was the heat too much

I felt I lost you from the start

~ Culture Club

Temporary Insanity?

Dah-lings,

Will you EVER forgive me for taking an entire month to write?
My apologies.

First off, I want to thank you for making my last post "Sexes & the City" my most-read blog to date.
I also want to thank Rebecca Traister of Marie Claire for the shout-out on twitter.
Read it here:

http://blackcatbaby-imjustsayin.blogspot.com/2012/06/sexes-city.html

I started writing this blog from sunny California at an outdoor cafe...
Jealous?
(While I'm sipping $3 Sangria)
Jealous now??

I had been on a working vacation (is there any other kind when you live in NY and work in entertainment?) and you would NOT believe the exhaustion.  
Not jet-lag, exhaustion!
The type of sleepiness you don't let yourself feel in a city like Manhattan.

It's one thing to tell yourself you need a break - it's quite another to experience it.
(and those of you know me well, you know I'm NEVER tired and always want to keep the party going.)
I'm in a state of flux these days...
Like, the energy's low but the standards are rising.

I went through this in June 2010.

I could sense there was a feeling of "expansion" waiting to happen.
I wanted to to move on to bigger and better things - but wasn't quite sure how.
In the end, I moved to the biggest room in the apartment, and thanks to a friend leaving town got a huge (luxurious! comfortable!) bed to go with it.

Around this time, my friend S and I challenged each other to put together a 'vision board' outlining where we'd like to to be in 10 years.  I looked through magazines and just pulled images that moved me.  To my surprise, it was filled with images of  Los Angeles.  In fact, the board was SO west coast looking, I stuck on a picture of the empire state building!




The thing about spiritual growth spurts is that, we are forced to look at ALL aspects of our life, whether we like it or not.  I came into 2012 with promises to have have more fun and while there have been lots of laughs, and too many hangovers...I think I need to be more honest with myself on what "fun" really is.

Is fun drinking and dancing with a guy that doesn't really give a damn about you?
That lies about having a girlfriend?  (Or wanting one?!)
I LOVE to tell myself that I'm this strong independent woman - but when an a girl I barely knew recently asked me "So who's your boyfriend this week?"  I felt a sense of shame.

If I don't like being treated like an accessory to these guys, then maybe I need to check myself.
Compromising my feelings and my expectations are now a thing of the past.
Suddenly, I see clearly.

And to the hater that's reading this, I won't be compromising my self-expression either.
I'll write what I feel - and if you think it's about you, that's your problem.
And your loss.

I'm Black Cat F*ckin Baby.
Get familiar.
(That one was for you T.O!)

Cuz honey, I'm not going anywhere.
Or am I?

To be continued...

And when you're out there, 

Without care

Yeah I was out of touch

But it wasn't because I didn't know enough 

I just knew too much

Does that make me crazy?

Does that make me crazy?

Does that make me crazy?

Possibly

And I hope that you are having the time of your life.

But think twice.

That's my only advice.

~ Gnarles Barkley

The Power or Perception

Hey Hey,

Did I get you with my self-help title?  (I was at a loss for another one.)

So.
Just like last month, we were hit by another "Super Moon" over the weekend and I'd lying if I said I wasn't terrified going into it.

Dear God, a full moon and PMS?
I'm surprised I wasn't on the ledge, or at least more sensitive than an usual.  
Sure I felt fat, hated my hair, (HATED) and sulked for no reason at all.  We've all been there.
I've also been stressed about money.

The positive to this, is that I know myself well enough to know that these feelings are temporary.
Money comes and goes much like water retention and full moons.
So these last few days, I bit my tongue and tried not to brood.
For the most part.

Yesterday, I was telling my friend C about my phone conversation with someone miserable.
She responded with "WHAT does she have to be miserable about?? She has an easy life!"
For a split second, I felt a flash of anger and was about to defend Misery, but I stopped myself.
If God hath granted us anything at all darlings, it's how we perceive ourselves and our lives.

How quickly would Misery's life change if she viewed her existence as "easy?"
How would yours?
I've been the victim before and it's exhausting.
It's a horrible way to live.

Oh the freedom that comes with viewing Life as one big party...better than Botox.

My good friend S, aka "that Jew from Brooklyn," recently got out of a toxic relationship...
He also said goodbye to coffee - and hello to Jack Daniels.
He's hanging out, laughing more and looks better than when we first met.
He's over the age of 50.

Look, nothing prepares you for broken hearts or disaster striking.
LIFE.
AIN'T.
EASY.
No doubt.

I have a book that sits at my friend CC's place in Toronto - the author wrote a great chapter on having the blues.
She said the only thing that gets you through those tough times, is knowing that they eventually come to an end.
Sometimes, you just have to wait it out.

I returned to running on the treadmill last week.
I threw my back out in early November - a painful herniated disc...
Six long months of no gym, constant pain and thousands of dollars spent on treatment.

Was I frustrated beyond belief?  Of course.
And yes, I wallowed from time to time.
Did I continue laughing and playing (and praying!) throughout?
Absolutely.

My Oprah moment: Never underestimate the power of positive thinking.
(Or a birthday weekend in Miami.)
Count your blessings darlings - you have more of them than you think.

Until next week....

This feeling inside

I can't explain

But my love is alive

And I'm never gonna hide it again!

~ Madonna

  


 


  

The Price is Write.

Darlings,

I know I KNOW.
The blog's late, I'm sorry!
This whole week feels "off" actually.

Mercury's moving forward again, the moon's not full and the weather's lovely.
And yet...something's not quite right.
I had meetings scheduled on Monday when I'd usually be writing, and Tuesday I worked when I'd usually be off.

My mind and heart are racing, I've hardly slept a wink in DAYS...and yet I'm surprisingly calm.
(Albeit delirious.)
I have a long awaited reunion with my parents to look forward to and I couldn't be happier.
For the first time, I'll be on vacation for the entire duration of their trip.

Ah, Family.
The joys, the pains, the tears, the frustration and most importantly, the deep inexplicable connection.
Like it or not, they are a part of our fabric.
(How else can you explain loving your niece or nephew before they're even born?)

This "break" from reality could not have come at a better time for me.
It seems as though everyone is in flux.
I am surrounded by people (myself included) who are questioning their value.

Are we being "cheated" by our employers?
Did we price ourselves too low?
And if that's the case - at what point do we speak up and say "I deserve more."
(When dealing with someone that ONLY sees you as "sub par," how do you prove it??)

The problem is this: when you are belittled on a regular basis, whether it be in the form of under payment, indifference, or emotional abuse - it becomes far too easy to confuse their lies with your truth.
Very often it takes a reality check, a sign (or gift!) from God to remind yourself of who you are.

Nothing like a visit from the people who've known (and loved) me the longest to do just that.
Mom, Dad, welcome to New York.

There are places I remember

All my life, though some have changed

Some forever not for better

Some have gone and some remain

All these places have their moments

With lovers and friends I still can recall

Some are dead some are living

In my life I've loved them all

~ The Beatles

  

The Moon. The Stars. The Easter.

Dolls,

Well, I'd like to say I survived Friday's powerful full moon unscathed - but I'd be lying.

I am suffering a bit today - as the champagne campaign was in FULL effect for Easter last night.
Like my dinner date T said this morning "We're fabulous one day, hot messes the next!"
(Prosecco in Soho, empty wallets be damned.)

Where do I begin?

With the crazy drunk man nearly dropping a table (on himself!) when I got to work on Saturday morning?
I suppose we should have called the cops, but were all so...shocked.
(He later went on to mop the sidewalk - I took the opportunity to lock the door)
Needless to say he was fired.
He was the THIRD member of staff to be axed last week.

How about the guy who faked an identity to get me to call him?
I'm serious.
I took a break from men and alcohol last week, so his text message went unanswered.
What did he do?  Left a message pretending to be a client, fake name and all.
(Turns out he's also after my friend and still legally married)

I don't make this up.

Throw in a religious holiday and it's one big cocktail of frayed nerves, homesickness, and heightened emotions.
Thank God (quite literally) for church.
I didn't realize how powerful yesterday's service was until I emailed my friend C to tell her about it.
I cried.

We know that Jesus died, and that there was a resurrection.
But now what?
Like the assistant minister said, it's an incomplete sentence.

"He died, he is rose...so therefore..."
"...I'll be a better person?"
"...I'll be more forgiving?"
"...I'll have more compassion towards others?"

How do we want our OWN sentences to finish?
Not just with our faith, but our lives?
I'd like to mine to finish by knowing that the recent sacrifices I've made were worth it.
I'd like to be less stubborn when my feelings are hurt.

I remember when my best friend and I were lunching on a patio a while back.
An old lady was eating nearby...as she was leaving she said to us:
 "Girls, if you do anything at all - just have fun!"

Well.
I'm certainly doing that.

Until next week...

I'd like to greet the sun each morning

And walk amongst the stars at night

I'd like to know the taste of honey in my life

In my life

~ Lionel Richie

Miles & Mistakes

Dolls,

I can honestly say there is not an artist on the planet I love more than Miles Davis.
Composer, painter, musician, visionary and coolest-cat-on-the-planet.
I know you may be surprised to hear this from me, as I'm so forth-coming with my love of all things reggae, hip-hop and R&B.

Not to mention my idol worship of the Queen of the World, Madonna (Oh shush!)

But it's true.
Miles' speaks to me through that trumpet more than anyone.
The funny thing is, I know very little about his life.  I don't have to.
Or do I?

I recently read a review of HBO's upcoming new show "Girls."
Creator Lena Dunham, a 25-year-old writer and director has all the TV critics abuzz.
She's writing, directing and starring in a new show that promises to revolutionize TV.

While I WILL watch, (I want to support a young woman in her creative efforts) - it's the shows tag line that really caught my attention:
"Living the Dream, one Mistake at a time" 
Classic.  (And funny!)

There is a famous quote attributed to my beloved Miles that immediately came to mind when I read that:  "Do not fear mistakes, there are none"
I have searched EVERYWHERE to find out more details and context Mr. Davis was speaking in, but  have found none.

While I can forgive ANY mistakes Miles may have made musically - I'm not one of his three ex-wives, children, or people that he pissed off.
(In researching the origin of his quote, I noticed that there have already been several blogs written about this very topic.  Which I'll read once I'm finished putting this one together)

My friend April and I have been using Miles' phrase as a way of encouraging each other in our artist pursuits for years now.
But is there REALLY no such thing as a mistake?
And how will we know?

My BFF and I were just texting about the past and not being able to get those years back...sigh.
Oh to hell with it!
Who wants to live in regret anyway?

Miles has another gem that makes me happy to be alive:
"I'm always thinking about creating.  My future starts when I wake up every morning...Everyday I find something creative to do with my life."
Delicious isn't it?

Whether or not "Girls" goes on to become a television hit doesn't really matter does it?
The point is, it's creator seems to have been living her life this way for quite some time now.
And it's nice to see hard work (and play) pay off.

Onward and upward darlings...
Till next week,
-xo-

For me, music and life are all about style.

~ Miles Davis

Birthday and the Beach

Helloooo...

Well my loves, as promised I'm writing from Miami.

I cannot tell you how much fun I'm having...
This birthday girl has been spoiled rotten.
(And loving every minute of it mind you)

I am so blessed.
Do you realize that everyone involved with this trip are people that I've met within the last 5 years?
I had a birthday party on Friday night (complete with cake and champagne) at the home of a couple I JUST met.
(Shout out to Tony and Jen!)

On a somber note - I've been very homesick for Cape Town.
Not only has the weather been breezier and less humid than usual for South Florida, I've been embraced by strangers and treated like family.
It's SO much like culture I come from.

Other than that, I have nothing deep to report.
No insights or major life decisions have been made on this vacation.
I've been too busy laughing.
And dancing.

When I asked if I missed New York, I quickly responded "actually I kind of forgot about it"
(Of course, one never REALLY forgets New York, it's damn year impossible)
For now though, on my last day; I'll keep enjoying the sunshine.

Like my travel companion C said the other day "Living the life that we live in NY...it's all worth it...just to sit on this balcony right now..."
True indeed...
Here's the view:

Until next week darlings...

And the weather's so breezy

Man, why can't life always be this easy?

~ Kanye West

Spring Cleaning.

Well, It's here.
My birthday week.

March 1st usually greets me JUST as I'm slipping out of my long winter's coma...
It's like God leans down and whispers:
"It's OK to come outside now - your friends want to see you...Don't worry, spring is coming like it always does."

This year it's different.
I'm heading south.
That's right darlings, a much-needed (and deserved) vacation in Florida awaits.
North Beach.  South Beach.  Fort Lauderdale.
Anywhere the wind takes me.

Naturally I'm giddy with anticipation.
Not only will I be relaxing in the sun, I'll be re-connecting with my friends who live there.
Sweet.

The lead up hasn't been easy though.
Two weeks ago I began a 'cleanse' that came with protein shakes, vitamins, and tough diet restrictions.
No alcohol, coffee, red meat, or dairy.
Four of the days days (tho not in a row) are liquids only.
Ouch.

While shedding a few pounds is a bonus for any beach vacation, it was high time for a detox.
Was red wine becoming a bad habit?
Yes.
Had it been this way for a while?
Yes.

The line between a socializing and alcoholism is a fine one in New York City, and if you work at a bar, that line doesn't exit.
It was time to check myself.

Not surprisingly, I'm hungry.
But for much more than just food.
I find myself dreaming bigger than I have in a long time.

Maybe my worst habit of all has been settling for less.
Did I mention I gave up the phrase "I can't" for Lent?
I also gave up junk food.
The best news is, not only am I feeling like my old self again - I'm starting to look that way too.

More on that later.
It's time to pack.

Until next week my loves....

This feeling can't be beat

It's coursing through my whole bod-y

Feel the heat

~ Madonna