Teen Spirit.

It's been a while. 
Hope this blog finds you well.

The other day, an account I follow on Instagram posted a pic - it was a black screen, and along the bottom where the words;
this time,
last year,
everything was so different...

It hit me like a punch to the stomach.
Can you imagine, this time last year my cousin still had 2 daughters?
That by the end of the week, their 16 year old daughter Alison would be dead?
A lot can happen in a year.

Although I'm in another city, I too have been rebuilding my life since that horrible phone call.
Friends have come and gone, and I'm much more selective about how I spend my time and who I spend it with.  Sometimes I wonder if I've become too selective?  If, in my grief-stricken haze, I've confused my disappointment in loved ones with my anger at losing my cousin? 

Regardless, the walls I've built around myself are starting to crumble, and if I'm not careful - I'll end up falling down with them.  After all, "no man is an island" as that saying goes.  And God knows I'm not perfect either (I mean, I AM - I just think posting that would be arrogant, ha.)

Man.
Remember what 16 was like?
The friends, the boys, the girls, the laughs and oh the tears...
Whenever I feel the heaviness of adulthood, with all it's heartache, frustrations, sleepless nights, bill payments, and bullshit - I think of Alison.

I think about making an impact in my own life because hers was cut so short, and about how her spirit affected so many.  Not only did she save lives by donating her organs - thanks to the hard work of her older sister Jaclyn, she's helped raised thousands to find a cure for the disease that killed her.  (https://www.facebook.com/AlisonsArmy) 
 
It really is amazing how the death of a young person forces us to reflect.
Look at Trayvon Martin's passing.

All of a sudden, an ugly mirror is being held up and whether we like it or not we can't ignore it.
Like my friend and I said the other day, "That child did not die in vain..."
Watching his parents behave with such strength and class, (when they'd have a perfect excuse not to) gives us the courage to say, "If they can function with such poise, I can too."
Aspirational indeed.

Lately I've been having a tough time.

I've been creatively stifled, financially strapped and I stopped going to church. 
Despite all this, I've been working out a lot more and researching my next business venture.
There's something so debilitating about being in that "in between" phase isn't it? 
It's like waiting for vegetation to sprout from the soil.

Like my darling friend Cass said last night, "I love you Laur - you'll get to the next part..."
She's right.
I'll get there because I have to.
I'll get there because I have the opportunity.
And that has to count for something.

Time,

Time,

Time,

See what's become of me

While I looked around for my possibilities

 

I was so hard to please

Look around,

Leaves are brown

And the sky is a hazy shade of winter

 

Hear the Salvation Army band

Down by the riverside,

There's bound to be a better ride

Than what you've got planned

 

Carry a gun in your hand.

Look around,

Leaves are brown,

And the sky is a hazy shade of winter.

 

Hang on to your hopes my friend,

That's an easy thing to say,

But if your hopes should pass away,

Simply pretend - that you can build them again

 

Look around,

Grass is high,

Fields are ripe

IT'S THE SPRINGTIME OF MY LIFE

 

Seasons change with the scenery,

Weaving time in a tapestry,

Won't you stop and remember me?

 

~ The Bangles

(Paul Simon)

  

 

 

 

   

2013.

It's been a while darlings.
Three months to be exact.
A bit longer than that, actually.

I don't really have a reason or excuse for my absence...yes I'd been working a lot - but that has always been the case. 
It's hard to talk (or write) about what you feel when you're unsure of what "it" is.
If anything, I guess I'm a little disenfranchised...
Not with this blog, (or you my lovely reader) but with Life in general.

My last post took place right before Christmas...
I entered 2013 completely and totally exhausted.
Emotionally, physically, psychologically and especially spiritually.
That last part's not easy to admit.
 I mean, Life is generally "easier" if you believe God has a plan for you, isn't it?

In many ways, 2012 was 2 years in one.

The first 7 months were pure ignorant bliss...
I quoted a Jersey Shore cast member by exclaiming "Life is a holiday!"
And it was.
I breezed to Miami for my birthday, schmoozed in Hollywood, dated online, and made this blog a weekly column.

Three weeks into July, all of that changed with the sudden death of our cousin Alison. 
The grief that followed can't even be described here.  And for me it was more than grief, it was isolation as my family lives in another city. 
My year was quite literally ripped in half.

Everything that I knew to be real was gone.

I don't think I mentioned this before, but at the time of Alison's death I had begun seeing someone. 
We had spoken about becoming more serious about a week prior to that horrible news - and when I asked if he could come over, he didn't.
I haven't seen him since.
 
While modern technology has allowed me to express myself in this really cool way, I am going to say something important so please pay attention:
A text message and/or phone call will not save someone who is drowning. You have to JUMP INTO the water and get wet if you want your loved one see another day.

And to those of you who did that for me last year, thank you.
You helped bring me back to Life.

The discussion at my church tonight is about forgiveness.  I won't be going.
I'm not quite there yet.
But I am back.
And I've missed you.

Until next week...

Little Darling

I feel that ice is slowly melting

Little Darling

It seems like years since it's been clear

Here comes the sun

Here comes the sun, and I say

It's all right

~ The Beatles



Heavy.

Hi darlings.

Well I had planned on writing part 2 of my last post.
But the events of the last few days caused to come to come to this computer quite unexpectedly.

Well the good news is, I became an aunt again!
To a beautiful little girl - so exciting for my brother and his growing family.
It's nice when there's something "bright" happening in our lives after such a difficult year.

The next morning, my cousin Gary and his daughter Jaclyn were on the radio live in Toronto discussing donations to a charity on behalf of Alison's memory.  You could hear the pain in everyones voices including the morning show announcers - Christmas will be tough.

I dosed back off after listening online, and awoke to find out about the shootings in Newtown.
The blanket of grief that has covered us since Alison's death came back in floods.
(I was emotional enough after hearing my family on the radio, but I was also really proud.  To use a tragedy to help others is God in action right there)

The death of a young person just hits you at a different angle once you've experienced it in your own life.  Nothing is ever the same.  It's a punch in the stomach.  (In fact the same sentiment was echoed by comedian Chelsea Handler in a recent interview with Katie Couric.  Her brother died in an accident when she was 10.) 

A family is never the same.

I felt this when my friend lost his sister in August, and then again when my friend's ex boyfriend committed suicide.  News headlines are no different.  I felt sick when hearing about NFL player Torrey Smith's brother dying so young.  Then came the news out of Newtown.

It's unfathomable.

The range of emotions (in just over 24 hours) that happened with the birth of my niece, to hearing my brave cousins on the radio, to the shootings in Connecticut is hard to explain.
It's just....heavy.

I had plans on on Friday evening.
And I thank God because I may not have been able to get out of bed otherwise.

I don't really have any advice or words of wisdom. 
But tomorrow I'll be returning to church for the first time since Alison died.  (And it's the Christmas concert which has me in tears during the BEST of times, so wish me luck)

While a biblical  service can't replace loved ones that went too soon, there is comfort in knowing that we're not alone - and that we grieve together.

Until next week...

We're beautiful like Diamonds in the sky

Rihanna

Moment-um (Part 1)

Hi Loves,

Hope all is well with you during this Festive Season...it can be stressful that's for sure.
Holidays bring up all SORTS of stuff. 
Money, (or lack thereof) food (too much!) and of course, family.

This is a very tough time for my loved ones, as we continue to mourn the loss of my cousin Alison -the first Christmas without her. 
I cannot imagine what it is like for her parents and sister.
My own anger put a dark veil on life's landscape - what must their pain be like?

I shudder.
I pray.

As of December 1st I stopped using the phrase "I hate everybody." 
It's a phrase that's jokingly (or not so jokingly) been used by my friends & I for quite some time, but after Alison's passing it took a more resentful tone.  I've done enough reading and self-care to know that our words and thoughts create our future - what am I creating by "fun" anger and bitterness?

Yes of course a huge part of it is grief.

But the main reason I stopped saying "hate" is because I came to the realization that SOMEWHERE along the line I began believing that Life is a struggle and everything is so damn hard.  (And this was before Alison died.)  I have a roof over my head, I live in the greatest city in the world and most of all, I've created a life for myself.

Like my best friend said the other night on the phone "We've always questioned ourselves and taken action - we're not people who just let Life happen to them."   
Then what the hell is my bloody problem?
When did cynicism set in?

Well, I decided to go back to the book that started it all for me (over a decade ago) and re-ordered Louise L. Hay's "You Can Heal Your Life."  Even though I've read a the book a million times, I find myself really resisting her message "what you put out comes back to you."  What about the friends that let you down (or worse) the family who's not there when you need them?

What about all the evil and injustice in this world? 

Do we really attract EVERY bad experience?
(And before we hate on Louise Hay, this is a woman who was raped, had a baby in high school, beat cancer and helped AIDS patients when they had NO support from the medical community in the early 80s.)

Now in her 8th decade, she continues to tell people "It's never too late to change.  If I can do it, so can you..."

Because I ordered a recent copy of the book, it came with a DVD. 
Much like "The Secret" there are host of self-help gurus and speakers who talk passionately throughout...and even though I had it on in "the background" (while doing my nails) I cried and cried.

I don't want to become someone that only laments about what's not fair and what is difficult.
Life's too short.

It always makes me sad to see the posts from Alison's friends who say they miss her encouragement and advice when they are down.
How did she manage to encourage anyone between her hospital stays and health problems?
Perhaps even as a teen she knew that Life is what you make it no matter WHAT hand you're dealt.

Because ultimately, that's the truth.

To be continued...    

Tired of living day to day like everything's alright

Just waiting on that moment

Waiting on my moment

~ DJ Drama 

A Place of No & The Shift

For Jill, PJ, and Elise, with love.

Sigh.
Another day another dollar.
How it's almost the end of 2012 is beyond me.

I was saying to my mom on the phone the other night; although the year has flown by, for our family it feels like decades in some ways.
The year started with Alison still being alive, and despite her health problems, full of promise.
How quickly it can all change.

I'll never forget when my sister called that fateful July morning - I could hear the strain in her voice when she asked where I was...
"Alison was rushed to hospital" she said.
I went blank. "Ali who?"
"Our cousin."

Those of you who've had life-changing deaths (and births) will understand what I mean I say that your year gets broken up into "before" and "after" making it feel longer.
Many of you who lost homes/cars/power/loved ones during Hurricane Sandy also know what I mean. 
This Thanksgiving will be bittersweet for the tri-state area, as we ALL know people who were affected by the storm.

For my family, Christmas will be heartbreaking.

 

But as often happens in life, storms have aftermaths that bring people together and I got lucky. 

I had family friends in town, for the NY Marathon that never happened.

Was SO good to see them.

Like when I usually have visitors, I was emotional, homesick and grateful all at once.

(I also drank too much but Life is hard)

 

Also, after the a major loss, our family has been blessed with several births - if only to remind us that Life too, is precious.

 

............................................................................................

 

If you've been following this blog, you'll know that I'd been reading Bethenny Frankel's book "A Place of  Yes." 

I recently completed it and I must say I was impressed.

As somebody who writes about her own life, I can appreciate how tough it is to be that candid.

And she REALLY told her story - childhood trauma and all.

 

More than anything, it helped me to look at the positive steps I've taken in my life, while reflecting on the negative ones - and letting them go.

My cousin and I had a great talk while he was here.

Sure it was 4 in the morning and there MANY cocktails in our system, but I remember the conversation.



We talked about our own families, and he reminded me that there are those who truly feel that they CAN'T. 

They can't speak up.
They can't find joy in the simple things.
They can't take a stand
They can't take that risk.
Even if it's the best possible thing for them.

Bethenny reflects on how much she enjoys motherhood in the book.
Now that she's a parent, she cannot imagine HOW her mother could leave her as a child. 
But that's the hand she was dealt, and she found a way to survive.
Let's just say, I have a little more empathy towards those I feel I've been "wronged" by now.  

Some people just can't seem to get out of their own way.
The trick is to not let them hold YOU back.
Constantly paying for other people because they're perpetually broke (or unwilling to get a 2nd job like I had to!) and being dragged into their dramas is a thing of the past.

Alison's death changed that for me, almost accidentally.

As a result, I spend more time on creative ventures and I don't think it's a coincidence that people are taking notice.  Like another recent visitor said to me "It's amazing when you can see the shift happening."
I responded, "Ohhh the shift...I like it!"

The stars can align quickly, but in most cases (well mine anyway) it happens after years of struggling and even more years of crying.
But better a few difficult years than a lifetime of regret.

A canceled marathon didn't stop my friend from running one in Central Park (jet-lagged from Australia!) 
She trained for it, and dammit, she did it.
I told her: "You got the REAL New York experience, you were told NO and found a way."

Push past the words "I can't" and see where it gets you.
Good luck darlings.

Until next week...

Why do you look so sad and forsaken?

When one door is closed, don't you know, another is open?

~ Bob Marley



Much ado about Everything

Dolls,

There is this nagging feeling that something needs to change.
If you've been following this blog over the last few months than you know something already has.  Our family suffered a devastating loss and we are all still recovering from it.
Or at least trying to.

I've come to the conclusion that there is no making "sense" of the fact that my cousin lost his beautiful daughter - or that she was chosen to suffer from an illness the last 5 years of her life.
I do know that it makes me sad.
And I doubt that there will come a time when it won't.

In my own life, I feel "stuck" emotionally and physically.
I twisted my ankle recently and am unable to exercise...between that and 'grief eating' the weight gain is noticeable.  It's just where I'm at right now.
I make no excuses.

I once read that when we don't want to be vulnerable, we will 'develop' a layer of fat to protect ourselves from being hurt.
Interesting.
Before Alison passed away, 2012 was on it's way to becoming one of the best years ever.
I was traveling, dating, drinking, dancing.

I'm almost embarrassed by my blogs prior to that fateful phone call.
But that's how it was then - and at the very least, I was making the most of my life.
Or so I thought.
I've realized something; somewhere along the way I stopped Dreaming Big.

What happened to my ambition?
Did it get lost in day-to-day life?

I was never "just" a dreamer.
I always to managed to somehow forge ahead and walk the talk.
(That's why the extra pounds ain't bothering me, I'll lose it, watch me.)
I remember when an old friend (also named Alison) counted the qualities in her friends that she most admired - mine was loyalty and ambition.

The problem is that loyalty always came first - and I spent much of my life trying to rescue people who couldn't even help themselves.  Or didn't want to.
As a result, my own needs were swallowed.
My NY Mom, Deb, said it best;
"If I were to die, you would take the day off work to come to my funeral - but you can't be there for me when I'm alive?"
Bingo.

In many ways, I'm not only mourning a loss, I'm mourning the old Me.
And the people that I used to know.

It's not about being cold and callus.
It's about being clear.
Or, as an email sent to me by my real mom said; surrounding yourself with "those who add and multiply making you more than you are - not those who subtract and divide, thereby devaluing you."

SIGH.

I was messaging with my cousin Kiana the other night and it was such an important conversation for us both.  I don't know HOW her and her sister have managed to hold it together in the wake of Alison's death, but they have.  She told me that Alison wanted to become a social worker.  Through my tears, I replied, "She IS a social worker.  She brought the family closer together, and in a strange way has us reevaluating our own lives as we know it."

It's true.
Some decisions have to be made - I can't avoid them forever.
In the meantime, I'll allow myself time to heal.
Physically and emotionally.

Until next week -xo-

Lady picture show

She hides behind the bedroom door

Lady picture show

She  hides behind the bedroom wall

She hides because she don't know nothin'

Don't know nothin' anymore

She keeps a funny face it's locked and bagged

It's just outside the door

She doesn't know her name

She doesn't know her face

She doesn't know her name

She doesn't know her face

~ Stone Temple Pilots

Blue Moon & the Endless Summer (Part 1)

For Cass, Shmi, C & Drew. 

It all started last month when Cass came to visit.

There is something about seeing friends that know you from another life...
By that I mean, people that knew me before I became a Certified New Yorker.
Friends you can put in the "I've-known-them-for-decades" category.
(I know what you're thinking - but she looks so YOUNG!)

After 5 heavy weeks of grief and isolation, here was a longtime friend from home gently pulling me out, whether she knew it or not.  When I tearfully told her about friends who had abandoned me after Alison's death, she told me about the past year living abroad with her daughters, where they had NOBODY. "I had to be strong and stay focused." She said, "Sure my feelings we hurt.  I thought they were my real friends."

I cannot tell you how much that story affected me.
I mean, of course still I'm sensitive and emotional.  I lost 2 family members this summer.
Sadness is one thing, but grief mixed with anger and resentment is cocktail that eventually leaves a bad aftertaste.
And if Cass could use her pain to propel her forward, so could I.

Next stop: Boston and Maine.
Boston may be considered a "sleepy" town, but honey, I got none while I was there!
When Shmi and Shmore (her nickname for me) are reunited, there's champagne, wine, and PLENTY of male attention.

We had a blast.
What's funny is that Shmi and I each remember different parts of the night so it's good that we're able to keep the memories alive!
We then packed our things (and our hangovers) and headed to Scarborough Maine, where Shmi's kids and sister C were waiting.

Magical.

The beach, the cozy house we stayed in, (above C's husband's restaurant) the smiles on the kids faces when we went to the fair.
THE PIZZA.
(Not to mention the many many bottles of wine put into recycling each morning)

It was so nice to just be.

Isn't it always easiest to do that with people who've known you forever?
While browsing through a gift shop I came across a bottle of wine called "The Beach House," I smiled as it was so fitting for where I was at the time.
I looked at the label.  South African.

I decided to extend my stay.

Hurricane Irene may have robbed C and I of our visit last summer but we made sure it wasn't ruined this time.  It was my first time seeing her since her father's death a year ago.
She was very understanding at my display of emotion when talking about the injustice of losing a cousin so young.
"Let it out," she said "It's good for you, it's grief."

The tears are still there to this day.
But I can't take away what time with "friends from home" did for me as I closed out a summer that changed my family forever.
It gave me a sense of peace that is hard to explain.

The added bonus to prolonging my trip?
I got to head back to Boston to meet up with Drew's crew, the blue moon, and the hot guy with the motorcycle...

To be continued...

Blue Moon 

You knew just what I was there for

You heard me saying a prayer for

Someone I really could care for

~ Billie Holiday  

(and many others)

  

The King and I

There comes a time in your life when you take a leap of faith and just jump.  Sometimes it happens because the next step is obvious; you graduate because school is finished.  Most of the time though, we jump simply because we have to.  Unaware of what the future holds, we surge ahead and pray like hell.

In fact, I've "started over" so often, that I'm almost embarrassed by how long I lamented on my decision was to come back to New York.  For better or worse, trusting my gut has become second nature.  I've walked away from jobs (when I needed the money) and relationships all on the instinct that I simply deserved better.

The economy has also forced many of us to start over - whether we or wanted to or not.
This is after all, this is the second recession in my lifetime (does that make me generation X or Y?  I never know.  Mom?) so resourcefulness is a must.  It is times like these that we choose to be a leader or a victim.

The best part of uncertainty?  If all else fails, we can create something.

Which bring me to my subject of today's blog: The "King" of Comedy, Walter Latham.
Never heard of him?
Well, chances are you've heard of some people whose careers he helped launch: Chris Tucker, Bernie Mac, Steve Harvey D.L. Hughley, Tyler Perry, Cedric the Entertainer and the list goes on...

A brief history; In 1997 Mr. Latham launched the "Kings of Comedy" tour featuring Bernie Mac Steve Harvey, Cedric the Entertainer and later adding D.L. Hughley.  It was a massive success.  So much so, that it went on to become a movie directed by Spike Lee and produced by MTV films.  That was only the beginning...he went on to produce more shows "The Queens of comedy" starring Mo'Nique and the "Latin Kings of comedy" with Paul Rodriguez.

Seriously, the guy doesn't stop.

Not surprisingly, Mr. Latham originates from Brooklyn New York...and like the city itself he rarely sleeps.
Whenever I ask him how he's doing, his response is always the same; " Tired.  How are you?"
Did I mention he's also a loving father and handsome?
(I know)
But wait, there's more!

Always the innovator, he is now the proud owner of his own YouTube channel. (youtube.com/walterlatham)
Launched earlier this year, when asked what his "realistic ambition" was for the channel, he responded "...in 30 years from now, we will be looked at as the better version of BET - but on the internet."
Snap.

As brazen as that sounds - he may be on to something.

Having grown up in Canada, it was BET that introduced me to many of the comics seen on Latham's channel now, like Michael Blackson.  Blackson has a weekly show called "Black Fridays" on the site and he is hysterical.  The guy is fearless.  There's another show called "Comedy After Dark" featuring up and coming comics, taped at strip club and hosted by Jenna Jameson!

A spokesperson at YouTube had this to say:  "YouTube has long been a place where people come for a laugh, and with new, and original programming from established personalities like Walter Latham, people can find even more content they enjoy, and creators can gain a fast loyal audience in return."

My favorite thing about the channel?
The fact that Latham is responsible for what he puts online and takes his influence on the younger generation seriously.  Every Sunday, he posts a video from his "Relentless" series.  He asks friends and colleagues to speak about their life experiences "to give back to our community if only in this small way."

My video for the series went up last week, and can be seen at the bottom of this post.
Mr. Latham asked me to record at a time when I NEVER would have considered going on camera.  Our family had just suffered the tragic loss of my cousin Alison, and a few weeks after that, my aunt passed away.  I had every intention of saying no, or at least postponing until I felt "better."

But I thought of Alison (only 16 when she died) and her devastated friends who might need some guidance, and I hope I was able to provide something that could help.
If I can say anything to you guys reading this now, it's just to keep going.

Walter, thank you for reaching out to me.
Best of luck with everything.
www.youtube.com/walterlatham

Below is the link to my video, enjoy!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GvurasmW6Kc&feature=youtube_gdata_player

I move onward, the only direction

~ Jay Z

I'm with you.

Another emotional weekend.

Thankfully, God was watching and I was among friends who understood.
I went upstate (again) and this time was joined by my "NY mom" who had buried her own son and nephew years ago when they were teens.
She welcomed me with open arms and deepest sympathies for Alison and Auntie Naomi.

She played me a beautiful video of her niece singing a song that she wrote for her late brother...it was heart-wrenching to watch...my friend looked at me and said "This is what you are all going through now, it was written this about a month after he died..."

NY mom also told me that "there will be strangers who'll step up and be there for you - and you'll be heartbroken by friends those who aren't...your relationships will change because YOU have changed..."
(I told you she understood!)

Have I changed?
Well, I now hate being alone, and resent everyone who's happy.
I thought I was over the latter - until I saw a father and his daughter fishing by a pond earlier and wanted to push them both in.
(Forgive me Jesus.)

It's just so unfair.

But in it's own (bitter) sweet way, Life goes on.
Simply because it has to.

For those of you that don't know me - I work in comedy.
I am not a comedian - but am surrounded by them and we recently finished work on TV pilots that I produced.  Myself and my partners are pretty new at this (at TV shows, they've been comics for years) so I spend a LOT of time on social media - to promote this blog and our company.

Through the "magic" of modern technology, I was introduced to producer Walter Latham.
Of course I had heard of him.
The Kings of Comedy tour was HUGE - and I had read that he was launching a youtube channel.
My partners and I had even discussed approaching him about our TV projects.

As fate would have it, he contacted me.
Not only did he ask me to write a blog about the new channel, he asked me to contribute to his weekly series of videos "RELENTLESS" uploaded every Sunday.
I'd be recording myself with a message to inspire the youth...or something like that.

At the time I was too busy with 2 jobs to be flattered.
I responded by letting him know that I'd soon be finishing up at my weekend job, and would start working on them afterwards.
A week after that conversation Alison was gone.

Other than writing about my grief - any other blog seemed contrived.
And what the hell could I possibly have to say to inspire the youth???
I could barely inspire myself to get out of bed.
Walter sent another email asking me to record - the same day my Aunt Naomi passed away.

As it happened, my friend/producing partner Steve re-arranged his schedule to film me, so I had no choice but to go through with it.
I still wasn't sure what I'd say on camera, but I knew that Alison's death had touched too many people for me not to say anything.

As I gathered my things to go meet Steve I came across this Russian Proverb:
"Pray to God but continue to row toward shore."
That's it.
I have to keep going.
If not for myself, for my family.

Even through the tears and bottles of red wine on the weekend, when NY Mom said the word "documentary" I found myself taking notes on a napkin.
I suppose Creativity and Pain are as linked as Comedy and Tragedy.

My video and blog about Walter Latham Comedy will be available next week.

.........................................................

When I got back to the city (after a LONG bus ride) there were no cabs to be had and I found myself walking.
I was alone again.
I reached out to my sister (via text) and told her I had cried all weekend and she said she had done the same.

I continued walking east and realized I was in Bryant Park.
I looked up and saw the Chrysler Building straight ahead and the Empire State Building on my right.
It's as though I could feel the city putting it's arm around me to let me know I wasn't alone.

Just minutes before my phone went off with a message from my sister:
"I am here for you."
And thank God for that.

I'm looking for a place

I'm searching for a face

Is anybody here I know?

Cause nothing's going right

And everything's a mess

And no one likes to be alone

Isn't anyone trying to find me?

Won't somebody come take me home

It's a damn cold night

Trying to figure out this Life

Won't you take me by the hand 

Take me somewhere new

I don't know who you are 

But I...I'm with you

I'm with you

~ Avril Lavigne 

The Mourning After. Again.

I wasn't able to make it home for Alison's funeral.

It's a long story but my cousin understood as we have family members around the world who could not be there.
Our hearts were so heavy.

For the first time, I believe that my family understood what it's like to be me.
To love so much, but to be far away.
And more importantly - the sheer agony of grieving alone.

Thankfully, I wasn't physically alone.
That weekend, my "bestie" Drew hosted me at his house upstate and took such good care of me.
He has no idea how much he helped.

My dear friend C (who lost her father a year ago) sent me a beautiful card.
She told me that there was a "grace to grieving" and reminded me of the importance of "letting grief in."
She spoke of taking those times of solitude if need be, and to spend some time in nature.

Well.
Yesterday I did just that.
Summer is my favorite season, and on a last minute decision - made plans to go to the beach.
Ah the healing powers of the ocean...it speaks to us you know?

It was there that I received more sad news.

My great aunt passed away in Cape Town.
She had been ill, but not for too long, thank God.
I had to remove myself from the beach blanket and inform my parents...it wasn't easy.

Auntie Naomi.
She was sooo lovely.
So charming, so like her sister, (my late grandmother) and had such affection for us kids.
When my mom last saw her only a few months ago, she asked about me.
"How's my girlie?  Send her my love."

Naturally, I'm in tears again.
Alone.  (Again)

I have been pleasantly surprised by my (newer) friends, who have constantly checked in; a quick text, lunch, phone call, anything.  Unfortunately, some of my "best friends" have really let me down and it breaks my heart.

I get it, death makes people uncomfortable - but excuses ain't bringing my loved ones back.  And for God's sake, we're grown.
(If I take your tearful phone calls in the middle of the night, you can surely take mine.)

It's amazing how through the fog of mourning - we begin to see clearly.
But more on that later.

While saddened, we can take solace in knowing that Auntie Naomi is with her siblings now, laughing away in Heaven, talking about the good 'ol days.
At 87, she lived a good life.

But how do we move forward after losing Alison?
She was only 16 years old.
Most of the shock is gone...and now the sadness really begins.
I cry every night - and for the first time in my life, I truly hate being alone.

My sister said it best:
"People don't understand just how close our family is.."
She's right.

Last night, my 9-year-old nephew who was overwhelmed by all the sad news and asked to call me.
We talked for an hour.
We talked about Life, death, soccer, school, his mean teacher, the Empire State Building, the Olympics,  more soccer, cats vs dogs, the Blue Jays and video games.
(Did I forget anything??)

He later told my mom about the call.
"Granny...I just had the most EPIC conversation with Auntie!  The best phone call of my life!"
Mine too.
Mine too.

I'm thinking of you Lyn.
-xo-

I've  seen lonely times when I could not find a friend

But I always thought that I'd see you, baby, one more time again.

~ James Taylor

Alison

This one's for you.
With love.

A few weeks before I turned 20, while I was visiting family in Cape Town, my friend Cindy was killed in a car accident.  I never found out until I returned home several months later.

It was then that I learned how different the pain is when someone dies before "their time."
The shock.
Denial.
The pain.
(Both emotional and physical.)

While I maintain that losing both grandmothers were the saddest times I've experienced until now (Granny was 93 already - but I tell you, so much of my youth went with her) there is something so devastating about the loss of a child.

When my brother's friend committed suicide he was only a teenager.
I made a VOW to myself then and there to keep depressed/lonely feelings at bay and seek help/friendship/ANYTHING when times were bleak.
And there have been many.

Last week, my family lost someone so special and so lovely at the tender age of 16.

While most of you are shuddering - it's probably because on a subconscious level, you're recalling what a tough age that was in the first place.
The peer pressure.
The bullying.
The boys.
The bullshit.

My little cousin had to deal with all of the above plus an illness.
She'd endured multiple surgeries, hospitalization, and severe physical pain.
Suffering from colitis, she became somewhat of an ambassador for Ostomy organizations across Canada.

You can read one of the many tributes written about her here:
http://muggins7.wordpress.com/2012/07/27/a-life-cut-far-too-short-losing-one-of-our-own/

On Thursday morning, she went to hospital for the last time.
I keep waking up thinking it's a nightmare.
It
Just
Can't
Be.

I remember when I went home for Christmas a while back...
I walked into my aunt's house which of course was packed (our family is huge) Alison RAN across the house to hug me.  She were so excited that I came home.
(I remember just knowing when I walked through that door that she would greet me first)

That is my last memory of her.

Oh honey.
If you only knew how I was sobbing right now.
Maybe you do.
Of course you'd want me to stop and feel badly for my sorrow.
You were sweet like that.

I take some solace in knowing that you are out of pain and in God's hands.
When it comes to my family, I really hit the jackpot.
But oh to have one more Christmas.

It will never get old not in my soul (not in)

 My spirit keep it alive

We'll go down this road 

Till it turns from color to black can white 

~ Frank Ocean