Summertime Sadness

For Alison.

Hi Lovelies,

I started writing this ages ago because I couldn't finish or decide on a title.
Never fear, I am here.

Sadly, so are the dog days of summer.
Sigh.

Those of us in the Northern Hemisphere are bracing ourselves for cooler weather, shorter days, and back to school nostalgia.  I doesn't matter how old I get, I still get butterflies when I see the those "back to school" reminders - and there's a part of me that will always think of the fall as "the REAL  beginning" of  a new year.

And I suppose it is.

Summer is my favorite time of the year, but after last year's tragedy, I wondered if summer would feel the same for our family.  The end of July marked the one year anniversary of Alison's death, and the week leading up to that day was awful.  I could barely get out of bed.  All I could think of was what my cousin and his family must have been going through. 

I was overwhelmed with sadness.

According to my friend who lost her brother 11 years ago - "There is never a time it doesn't suck.  You find joys in life (she has 2 boys and a lovely husband) and you continue on, but there are days when it's just so unfair..."

Things got a bit easier (or should I say "easier") after the day itself.
Thanks (once again) to Drew I was surrounded by friends, and a one-day sleepover that lasted for days.
(I mean, if you ain't twerking, you ain't workin') 
It felt good to laugh.

Going to Miami in June was good for me because I left with a "life's a beach" attitude, and it's lasted.
Financial/job stress can ruin your life, but it can also force you deal with what is - simply because you have no other choice.  (Can't afford to get my hair done? Fine, I'll rock the curly afro mess as if I planned it that way.  Isn't that why God invented humidity after all?)

There have been many summers when I didn't see my friends as much, or get mom on the phone, because I was working all the time.  This year though, I let myself just be and decided to trust in what would happen next.  Yes, there have been job interviews and business plans, but my connections with the people I love have been the priority.

And luckily for me, more traveling.  I just got back from a weekend in Maine with my best friends who happen to be sisters.  One of which said goodbye to one decade and hello to another.  There was wine, champagne, and beer on the beach. 
Yes y'all, a woman turned 40 and rocked a mean bikini on the shores on New England.

It was an emotional time for them too. 
Like C said the night before her birthday "I never thought I'd turn 40 without my dad..."
Every family has their pain...and even when it doesn't sting as much, there are birthdays, anniversaries, and holidays.

I hope this post doesn't sound as dismal as I think it does.
Because honey, there were LOTS of laughs this summer (I would have written more blogs but was too hungover!) 

Here's to wine, champagne, SHOTS, matching manicures with my best friend's 8 year daughter, more twerk videos than our iPhones can handle, the most envious tan I've ever had, our "deep" analysis of every Madonna video ever made, my first time on a jet-ski (better than sex! Who knew?) Maine, Miami, Boston, Monroe, Philly, The Jersey Shore, Franklin Lakes and guests from Johannesburg, Toronto, and Cali.

Cheers to you, to Alison, and the 2013 Summer of Love, Lust, and Laughter.    

 

 

I think I'll miss you forever

Like the stars miss the sun in the morning skies

Late is better than never

Even if you're gone I'm gonna drive (drive, drive)

I've got that summertime, summertime sadness

~ Lana Del Rey



The Good Life?

For Agata, Tanya & Kory -xo-

Darlings,

Well well well.

I missed a few weeks again didn't I?

And here I was declaring that I was "back."

But wait, I can explain!

As of my last post (seen here: http://blackcatbaby-imjustsayin.blogspot.com/2013/03/2013.html)

I didn't know that in 2 short weeks I'd be headed back to Cali.

Our show "My Friends Think I'm Funny" got into a web series festival, and off I was to Los Angeles!

Oddly enough, in my last post - I reminisced to my 2012 travels to Miami and LA, and this year I went to both places in less than a month!

Well, something had to change.

About 8 weeks ago, I did a 2 week strict dietary cleanse to prepare for my birthday jaunt in South Beach.  I continued the "health watch" by giving up fried food for Lent and alcohol during the week.

It's as though my pride kicked in to a time when I took better care of myself - and my ego reminded me that I deserved to look (and I suppose feel) better.

I mean, I AM Blackcatbaby, dammit.

I've always been into fitness and looking my very best, but a painful back injury sidelined me from exercising at the level I was used to.

It is now almost 100% healed.

As I always do every birthday, I reflect on where I've been and where I'm going...

At the same time, a good friend of mine was thinking of me.

She didn't quite know how to tell that she was worried.

She said, "I don't know how to tell you this, but what you're doing in your life isn't working...you are young and vibrant...why aren't you kicking more doors down?"

Believe it or not, I laughed.

I had JUST written "Why am I not kicking doors down?" as a note to include in this very blog.

That's the thing about getting older - you're forced to look at yourself whether you want to or not.

One part of me has this sense of time and reality, (as opposed to being in denial and pining for younger years) while another part is keenly aware that I've sold myself short and not dreamed big enough.

The thing is, when you chose the road less traveled (as I have) with little support, so much of your
existence becomes about survival...do I reach for the stars, or pay my rent?

Sometimes I pat myself on the back for not having a nervous breakdown!

(Well, it's still early.)

..........................................

I'm not going to lie; I was much more upbeat when I started this blog a few weeks ago when I first got home.

It's cold, damp and cloudy here in New York and my mood matches the weather...

My LA trip (and the kind souls I met while there) was such a nice surprise - I worked my ass off to make it happen.

On the flight home though, I cried because I had just missed Easter with my family.

Nobody said it would be easy.

However, I can proudly state that I take responsibility for this Life I've created.

Yes, there have been tears - but there have been just as many laughs to go along with all the characters in My Story.

I mean, it's hardly been boring.

In the March issue of Vogue, designer Phoebe Philo affirmed, "Friendships get older. Marriages get longer. Children get older. I love that. I love a sense of history within my little life. It's just journeys - and it's been such an interesting journey."

I couldn't agree more.

Until next week...

I always had a passion for flashin'

Before I had it, I closed my eyes and imagined

The Good Life

Better than the Life I lived when I thought that I was gonna go crazy

- Kanye West & T-Pain

 

 



 



The Power or Perception

Hey Hey,

Did I get you with my self-help title?  (I was at a loss for another one.)

So.
Just like last month, we were hit by another "Super Moon" over the weekend and I'd lying if I said I wasn't terrified going into it.

Dear God, a full moon and PMS?
I'm surprised I wasn't on the ledge, or at least more sensitive than an usual.  
Sure I felt fat, hated my hair, (HATED) and sulked for no reason at all.  We've all been there.
I've also been stressed about money.

The positive to this, is that I know myself well enough to know that these feelings are temporary.
Money comes and goes much like water retention and full moons.
So these last few days, I bit my tongue and tried not to brood.
For the most part.

Yesterday, I was telling my friend C about my phone conversation with someone miserable.
She responded with "WHAT does she have to be miserable about?? She has an easy life!"
For a split second, I felt a flash of anger and was about to defend Misery, but I stopped myself.
If God hath granted us anything at all darlings, it's how we perceive ourselves and our lives.

How quickly would Misery's life change if she viewed her existence as "easy?"
How would yours?
I've been the victim before and it's exhausting.
It's a horrible way to live.

Oh the freedom that comes with viewing Life as one big party...better than Botox.

My good friend S, aka "that Jew from Brooklyn," recently got out of a toxic relationship...
He also said goodbye to coffee - and hello to Jack Daniels.
He's hanging out, laughing more and looks better than when we first met.
He's over the age of 50.

Look, nothing prepares you for broken hearts or disaster striking.
LIFE.
AIN'T.
EASY.
No doubt.

I have a book that sits at my friend CC's place in Toronto - the author wrote a great chapter on having the blues.
She said the only thing that gets you through those tough times, is knowing that they eventually come to an end.
Sometimes, you just have to wait it out.

I returned to running on the treadmill last week.
I threw my back out in early November - a painful herniated disc...
Six long months of no gym, constant pain and thousands of dollars spent on treatment.

Was I frustrated beyond belief?  Of course.
And yes, I wallowed from time to time.
Did I continue laughing and playing (and praying!) throughout?
Absolutely.

My Oprah moment: Never underestimate the power of positive thinking.
(Or a birthday weekend in Miami.)
Count your blessings darlings - you have more of them than you think.

Until next week....

This feeling inside

I can't explain

But my love is alive

And I'm never gonna hide it again!

~ Madonna

  


 


  

The Silver Standard?

It's funny where Life takes us.
I've been so busy concentrating on the "fun" intentions of 2012, that I've almost missed some of the lessons.
Almost.

Well, the first quarter has now come and gone and I can proudly say that I'm letting myself out of the bubble I've been living in.
I'm not avoiding the news anymore - and yes, I'm taking your phone calls.
I'm ready to return to reality.
(Miami IS just a plane ride away)

There's more.
I'm trading up.

There's something to be said about complaining.
Some people do it just to hear the sound of their own voice, while others do it to join in on the conversation.
Nobody likes being left out after all.

And then, there's the rest of us.
We know that something's wrong, and something must be done to correct it.

So many of us were raised to put others first.
Our parents, our siblings our friends, our lovers.
I'm not talking about the 'Christian way' of showing compassion towards our fellow man either.
I'm talking about the habitual pattern of being second best.

Author Julia Cameron deems it "nonsense" that certain people never made it because of lack of talent.
Most of us never had the ego strength required to hunt for that that gold medal.
We were too busy jumping at the chance to help everybody else.
Like my cousin gently reminded me at dinner one night, "But Lauren, YOU need support too."

Show me a family where one child is raised to be the caretaker - and more often than not, you'll find one of it's members raising hell.
Unapologetically.
That's just the way it goes.

The GOOD news?
Adulthood provides us with choice.
We can change a habit and create a new one.
Not just in our expectations of ourselves - but in the way we allow people to treat us.
It's not too late.

Back to fun next week, I promise.

It's my turn

To start from number one

Trying to undo

Some damage that's been done

But now it's my turn

To reach and touch the sky

No one's gonna say

At least I didn't try

~ Diana Ross

Is that all there is?

Hi Lovelies,

Well it's a gorgeous day and I'm a little grouchy.
(Do people still say grouchy?  I'm bringing it back)
Forgive me, St Patrick's Day has come and gone and I'm left with a green manicure and slight hangover.

Where was I?

I've been thinking a lot about chemistry and physical attraction.
Remember that Sex & the City episode "I Love a Charade," when the girls go to the Hamptons for Bobby and Bitsy's wedding? 
Bobby was clearly a gay man, and Bitsy was far too old not to know the truth.
Throughout the ceremony jokes were cracked, as everyone scratched their heads wondering "WHY?!"

Just how important is sexual chemistry?
(For me - on a scale of 1 to 10 I'd say it's about 49.)
What do you do when you meet someone who's all the right things, but there's no "spark?"
Is it worth exploring?

My roommate B advised "Well, go with your gut..." to which I quickly responded, "My gut has made mistakes!"
God knows there are PLENTY of sparks out there with no substance or no family values - but they sure come with a whole lotta fun.
Perhaps I've been spoiled.

Or maybe the problem isn't that don't know what I want - it's that I DO.
Because one thing I discovered while I was in Miami, I really enjoy being single.
Am I avoiding intimacy?
Or am I just embracing my true feelings?

I mean, I haven't sold myself short thus far, why start now?
Carrie said it best at the end of the "Charade" episode:
"Some people are settling down, some people are settling...and some people refuse to settle, for anything less than butterflies..."

And don't worry darlings, it's not like I've given up on true love or anything...but for now, let's enjoy the springtime, shall we?

Until next week...

Is that all there is?

Is that all there is?

If that's all there is my friends, than let's keep dancing

Let's break the out booze and have a ball

If that's all, there is

~ Peggy Lee 

Street Life.

"I still hang around neither lost nor found
Hear the lonely sound of music in the night
Nights are always bright
That's all that's left for me, yeah"

The above lyrics by song writer Joe Sample (of The Crusaders) were inspired while being on a beginner's ski slope at Mammoth Mountain, California. 
He said:
 "I saw people falling, running into each other... it was absolute chaos. It looked like a boulevard of madness. And I said, That's what 'Street Life' is."

Well Darlings,

I gotta tell you - writing while you're preparing for vacation (or better yet, while you're ON vacation) is much easier than doing it when you come back.
The birthday "high" is beginning to fade.
Thankfully I have daylight savings and spring-time temps keep my spirits up.

I was overwhelmed by the amount of well-wishes I received last week from friends and family.
I got one message from my cousin who was so sweet and encouraging but I found myself slightly defensive.
She said she'd heard I was "living the life" and exclaimed "that's the way life should be."

I play the Street Life because there's no place I can go
Street Life, it's the only Life I know

I just remember thinking "God if you only knew!"
It's easy to feel like life's a beach when you're ON the beach.
It's quite another to be slinging drinks at a bar for 15 hours, just to survive in New York City.
I take that back.
To THRIVE in New York City.

Street Life - and there's a thousand parts to play
Street Life - until you play your Life away

Nobody wants to hear about the tough breaks and the struggles - and nobody sees the tears...God knows there are plenty of them.
I think it was Janet Jackson who said that nobody wants to hear her complaining.
(This is a woman who lived her entire career in her brother's shadow - and then he DIED)

Anyway my point is this.
My cousin is RIGHT.
I am living the life. 
I celebrated my birthday the entire time I was in Miami, then had an EPIC celebration the day after I returned.  (From what I remember anyway)

 You let the people see just who you wanna be
And every night you shine, just like a superstar

Yes of course it's a hustle.
Like Samantha Jones famously said on Sex & the City:
"A homeless man just showed me his DICK on the way here!  It doesn't get any realer than that!"
True indeed.

What's also true is that the struggle makes us stronger. 
We're all in it together so friendship bonds can form quickly.
And they have.
And it's fabulous.

Three months in and 2012 has already kicked 2011's ass.
May the "Champagne Campaign" continue.
Until next week...

That's how the Life is played - a tempting masquerade

You dress, you walk, you talk

You're who you think you are

 ~ The Crusaders

 







 

Birthday and the Beach

Helloooo...

Well my loves, as promised I'm writing from Miami.

I cannot tell you how much fun I'm having...
This birthday girl has been spoiled rotten.
(And loving every minute of it mind you)

I am so blessed.
Do you realize that everyone involved with this trip are people that I've met within the last 5 years?
I had a birthday party on Friday night (complete with cake and champagne) at the home of a couple I JUST met.
(Shout out to Tony and Jen!)

On a somber note - I've been very homesick for Cape Town.
Not only has the weather been breezier and less humid than usual for South Florida, I've been embraced by strangers and treated like family.
It's SO much like culture I come from.

Other than that, I have nothing deep to report.
No insights or major life decisions have been made on this vacation.
I've been too busy laughing.
And dancing.

When I asked if I missed New York, I quickly responded "actually I kind of forgot about it"
(Of course, one never REALLY forgets New York, it's damn year impossible)
For now though, on my last day; I'll keep enjoying the sunshine.

Like my travel companion C said the other day "Living the life that we live in NY...it's all worth it...just to sit on this balcony right now..."
True indeed...
Here's the view:

Until next week darlings...

And the weather's so breezy

Man, why can't life always be this easy?

~ Kanye West

Spring Cleaning.

Well, It's here.
My birthday week.

March 1st usually greets me JUST as I'm slipping out of my long winter's coma...
It's like God leans down and whispers:
"It's OK to come outside now - your friends want to see you...Don't worry, spring is coming like it always does."

This year it's different.
I'm heading south.
That's right darlings, a much-needed (and deserved) vacation in Florida awaits.
North Beach.  South Beach.  Fort Lauderdale.
Anywhere the wind takes me.

Naturally I'm giddy with anticipation.
Not only will I be relaxing in the sun, I'll be re-connecting with my friends who live there.
Sweet.

The lead up hasn't been easy though.
Two weeks ago I began a 'cleanse' that came with protein shakes, vitamins, and tough diet restrictions.
No alcohol, coffee, red meat, or dairy.
Four of the days days (tho not in a row) are liquids only.
Ouch.

While shedding a few pounds is a bonus for any beach vacation, it was high time for a detox.
Was red wine becoming a bad habit?
Yes.
Had it been this way for a while?
Yes.

The line between a socializing and alcoholism is a fine one in New York City, and if you work at a bar, that line doesn't exit.
It was time to check myself.

Not surprisingly, I'm hungry.
But for much more than just food.
I find myself dreaming bigger than I have in a long time.

Maybe my worst habit of all has been settling for less.
Did I mention I gave up the phrase "I can't" for Lent?
I also gave up junk food.
The best news is, not only am I feeling like my old self again - I'm starting to look that way too.

More on that later.
It's time to pack.

Until next week my loves....

This feeling can't be beat

It's coursing through my whole bod-y

Feel the heat

~ Madonna