Summertime Sadness

For Alison.

Hi Lovelies,

I started writing this ages ago because I couldn't finish or decide on a title.
Never fear, I am here.

Sadly, so are the dog days of summer.
Sigh.

Those of us in the Northern Hemisphere are bracing ourselves for cooler weather, shorter days, and back to school nostalgia.  I doesn't matter how old I get, I still get butterflies when I see the those "back to school" reminders - and there's a part of me that will always think of the fall as "the REAL  beginning" of  a new year.

And I suppose it is.

Summer is my favorite time of the year, but after last year's tragedy, I wondered if summer would feel the same for our family.  The end of July marked the one year anniversary of Alison's death, and the week leading up to that day was awful.  I could barely get out of bed.  All I could think of was what my cousin and his family must have been going through. 

I was overwhelmed with sadness.

According to my friend who lost her brother 11 years ago - "There is never a time it doesn't suck.  You find joys in life (she has 2 boys and a lovely husband) and you continue on, but there are days when it's just so unfair..."

Things got a bit easier (or should I say "easier") after the day itself.
Thanks (once again) to Drew I was surrounded by friends, and a one-day sleepover that lasted for days.
(I mean, if you ain't twerking, you ain't workin') 
It felt good to laugh.

Going to Miami in June was good for me because I left with a "life's a beach" attitude, and it's lasted.
Financial/job stress can ruin your life, but it can also force you deal with what is - simply because you have no other choice.  (Can't afford to get my hair done? Fine, I'll rock the curly afro mess as if I planned it that way.  Isn't that why God invented humidity after all?)

There have been many summers when I didn't see my friends as much, or get mom on the phone, because I was working all the time.  This year though, I let myself just be and decided to trust in what would happen next.  Yes, there have been job interviews and business plans, but my connections with the people I love have been the priority.

And luckily for me, more traveling.  I just got back from a weekend in Maine with my best friends who happen to be sisters.  One of which said goodbye to one decade and hello to another.  There was wine, champagne, and beer on the beach. 
Yes y'all, a woman turned 40 and rocked a mean bikini on the shores on New England.

It was an emotional time for them too. 
Like C said the night before her birthday "I never thought I'd turn 40 without my dad..."
Every family has their pain...and even when it doesn't sting as much, there are birthdays, anniversaries, and holidays.

I hope this post doesn't sound as dismal as I think it does.
Because honey, there were LOTS of laughs this summer (I would have written more blogs but was too hungover!) 

Here's to wine, champagne, SHOTS, matching manicures with my best friend's 8 year daughter, more twerk videos than our iPhones can handle, the most envious tan I've ever had, our "deep" analysis of every Madonna video ever made, my first time on a jet-ski (better than sex! Who knew?) Maine, Miami, Boston, Monroe, Philly, The Jersey Shore, Franklin Lakes and guests from Johannesburg, Toronto, and Cali.

Cheers to you, to Alison, and the 2013 Summer of Love, Lust, and Laughter.    

 

 

I think I'll miss you forever

Like the stars miss the sun in the morning skies

Late is better than never

Even if you're gone I'm gonna drive (drive, drive)

I've got that summertime, summertime sadness

~ Lana Del Rey



The Good Life?

For Agata, Tanya & Kory -xo-

Darlings,

Well well well.

I missed a few weeks again didn't I?

And here I was declaring that I was "back."

But wait, I can explain!

As of my last post (seen here: http://blackcatbaby-imjustsayin.blogspot.com/2013/03/2013.html)

I didn't know that in 2 short weeks I'd be headed back to Cali.

Our show "My Friends Think I'm Funny" got into a web series festival, and off I was to Los Angeles!

Oddly enough, in my last post - I reminisced to my 2012 travels to Miami and LA, and this year I went to both places in less than a month!

Well, something had to change.

About 8 weeks ago, I did a 2 week strict dietary cleanse to prepare for my birthday jaunt in South Beach.  I continued the "health watch" by giving up fried food for Lent and alcohol during the week.

It's as though my pride kicked in to a time when I took better care of myself - and my ego reminded me that I deserved to look (and I suppose feel) better.

I mean, I AM Blackcatbaby, dammit.

I've always been into fitness and looking my very best, but a painful back injury sidelined me from exercising at the level I was used to.

It is now almost 100% healed.

As I always do every birthday, I reflect on where I've been and where I'm going...

At the same time, a good friend of mine was thinking of me.

She didn't quite know how to tell that she was worried.

She said, "I don't know how to tell you this, but what you're doing in your life isn't working...you are young and vibrant...why aren't you kicking more doors down?"

Believe it or not, I laughed.

I had JUST written "Why am I not kicking doors down?" as a note to include in this very blog.

That's the thing about getting older - you're forced to look at yourself whether you want to or not.

One part of me has this sense of time and reality, (as opposed to being in denial and pining for younger years) while another part is keenly aware that I've sold myself short and not dreamed big enough.

The thing is, when you chose the road less traveled (as I have) with little support, so much of your
existence becomes about survival...do I reach for the stars, or pay my rent?

Sometimes I pat myself on the back for not having a nervous breakdown!

(Well, it's still early.)

..........................................

I'm not going to lie; I was much more upbeat when I started this blog a few weeks ago when I first got home.

It's cold, damp and cloudy here in New York and my mood matches the weather...

My LA trip (and the kind souls I met while there) was such a nice surprise - I worked my ass off to make it happen.

On the flight home though, I cried because I had just missed Easter with my family.

Nobody said it would be easy.

However, I can proudly state that I take responsibility for this Life I've created.

Yes, there have been tears - but there have been just as many laughs to go along with all the characters in My Story.

I mean, it's hardly been boring.

In the March issue of Vogue, designer Phoebe Philo affirmed, "Friendships get older. Marriages get longer. Children get older. I love that. I love a sense of history within my little life. It's just journeys - and it's been such an interesting journey."

I couldn't agree more.

Until next week...

I always had a passion for flashin'

Before I had it, I closed my eyes and imagined

The Good Life

Better than the Life I lived when I thought that I was gonna go crazy

- Kanye West & T-Pain

 

 



 



Much ado about Everything

Dolls,

There is this nagging feeling that something needs to change.
If you've been following this blog over the last few months than you know something already has.  Our family suffered a devastating loss and we are all still recovering from it.
Or at least trying to.

I've come to the conclusion that there is no making "sense" of the fact that my cousin lost his beautiful daughter - or that she was chosen to suffer from an illness the last 5 years of her life.
I do know that it makes me sad.
And I doubt that there will come a time when it won't.

In my own life, I feel "stuck" emotionally and physically.
I twisted my ankle recently and am unable to exercise...between that and 'grief eating' the weight gain is noticeable.  It's just where I'm at right now.
I make no excuses.

I once read that when we don't want to be vulnerable, we will 'develop' a layer of fat to protect ourselves from being hurt.
Interesting.
Before Alison passed away, 2012 was on it's way to becoming one of the best years ever.
I was traveling, dating, drinking, dancing.

I'm almost embarrassed by my blogs prior to that fateful phone call.
But that's how it was then - and at the very least, I was making the most of my life.
Or so I thought.
I've realized something; somewhere along the way I stopped Dreaming Big.

What happened to my ambition?
Did it get lost in day-to-day life?

I was never "just" a dreamer.
I always to managed to somehow forge ahead and walk the talk.
(That's why the extra pounds ain't bothering me, I'll lose it, watch me.)
I remember when an old friend (also named Alison) counted the qualities in her friends that she most admired - mine was loyalty and ambition.

The problem is that loyalty always came first - and I spent much of my life trying to rescue people who couldn't even help themselves.  Or didn't want to.
As a result, my own needs were swallowed.
My NY Mom, Deb, said it best;
"If I were to die, you would take the day off work to come to my funeral - but you can't be there for me when I'm alive?"
Bingo.

In many ways, I'm not only mourning a loss, I'm mourning the old Me.
And the people that I used to know.

It's not about being cold and callus.
It's about being clear.
Or, as an email sent to me by my real mom said; surrounding yourself with "those who add and multiply making you more than you are - not those who subtract and divide, thereby devaluing you."

SIGH.

I was messaging with my cousin Kiana the other night and it was such an important conversation for us both.  I don't know HOW her and her sister have managed to hold it together in the wake of Alison's death, but they have.  She told me that Alison wanted to become a social worker.  Through my tears, I replied, "She IS a social worker.  She brought the family closer together, and in a strange way has us reevaluating our own lives as we know it."

It's true.
Some decisions have to be made - I can't avoid them forever.
In the meantime, I'll allow myself time to heal.
Physically and emotionally.

Until next week -xo-

Lady picture show

She hides behind the bedroom door

Lady picture show

She  hides behind the bedroom wall

She hides because she don't know nothin'

Don't know nothin' anymore

She keeps a funny face it's locked and bagged

It's just outside the door

She doesn't know her name

She doesn't know her face

She doesn't know her name

She doesn't know her face

~ Stone Temple Pilots

Blue Moon & the Endless Summer (Part 1)

For Cass, Shmi, C & Drew. 

It all started last month when Cass came to visit.

There is something about seeing friends that know you from another life...
By that I mean, people that knew me before I became a Certified New Yorker.
Friends you can put in the "I've-known-them-for-decades" category.
(I know what you're thinking - but she looks so YOUNG!)

After 5 heavy weeks of grief and isolation, here was a longtime friend from home gently pulling me out, whether she knew it or not.  When I tearfully told her about friends who had abandoned me after Alison's death, she told me about the past year living abroad with her daughters, where they had NOBODY. "I had to be strong and stay focused." She said, "Sure my feelings we hurt.  I thought they were my real friends."

I cannot tell you how much that story affected me.
I mean, of course still I'm sensitive and emotional.  I lost 2 family members this summer.
Sadness is one thing, but grief mixed with anger and resentment is cocktail that eventually leaves a bad aftertaste.
And if Cass could use her pain to propel her forward, so could I.

Next stop: Boston and Maine.
Boston may be considered a "sleepy" town, but honey, I got none while I was there!
When Shmi and Shmore (her nickname for me) are reunited, there's champagne, wine, and PLENTY of male attention.

We had a blast.
What's funny is that Shmi and I each remember different parts of the night so it's good that we're able to keep the memories alive!
We then packed our things (and our hangovers) and headed to Scarborough Maine, where Shmi's kids and sister C were waiting.

Magical.

The beach, the cozy house we stayed in, (above C's husband's restaurant) the smiles on the kids faces when we went to the fair.
THE PIZZA.
(Not to mention the many many bottles of wine put into recycling each morning)

It was so nice to just be.

Isn't it always easiest to do that with people who've known you forever?
While browsing through a gift shop I came across a bottle of wine called "The Beach House," I smiled as it was so fitting for where I was at the time.
I looked at the label.  South African.

I decided to extend my stay.

Hurricane Irene may have robbed C and I of our visit last summer but we made sure it wasn't ruined this time.  It was my first time seeing her since her father's death a year ago.
She was very understanding at my display of emotion when talking about the injustice of losing a cousin so young.
"Let it out," she said "It's good for you, it's grief."

The tears are still there to this day.
But I can't take away what time with "friends from home" did for me as I closed out a summer that changed my family forever.
It gave me a sense of peace that is hard to explain.

The added bonus to prolonging my trip?
I got to head back to Boston to meet up with Drew's crew, the blue moon, and the hot guy with the motorcycle...

To be continued...

Blue Moon 

You knew just what I was there for

You heard me saying a prayer for

Someone I really could care for

~ Billie Holiday  

(and many others)