The Secret

Darlings,

Where do I begin?
It's been nearly 3 months since my last post.

I'm not going to lie, things have been rather...difficult.
Growing pains of the worst kind.
September was filled with job hunting, jobs that fell through, crippling anxiety attacks and angst towards life in general.

Its not easy to admit.
Whether it's a Funk, the Blues, or The Mean Reds, winter is more than just a season.
It's the reason I haven't written - I felt like I had nothing to say.
I was wallowing so badly that I would have been embarrassed to just sit here and complain.

That was then.

When you choose the road less traveled, as I have, you learn (quickly!) that things can change at the drop of a hat.  But it's usually preceded by a shift in attitude.
Don't get me wrong, I was going thru a spell of "bad luck" as we all do, and being away from my family only makes it harder; but indulging in self-pity is hardly the fast track to success.

I finally just said "screw this" and headed to my dusty bookshelf.  Out came Napoleon Hill's "Think & Grow Rich."  Yes ladies and gentleman, the OG of self-help books.   
I've since read several other books and would you believe EVERY single one of them (including Tony Robbins) quote Hill at some point. 

While visualizing and writing "I am a billionaire by 2015" may seem far fetched and unrealistic, it kinda beats "my life sucks!" being affirmed over and over again. 
(Truth be told, six months after watching "The Secret" in Toronto and visualizing The Empire State Building, I was back in New York, working around the corner from guess which building?)

This past Thanksgiving was spent with best friends who have become my family.
I am TRULY blessed to have them in my life, they have embraced me as if we've been together forever.
I left the city early to spend more time with them and within 10 minutes of my arrival there was wine poured and we were sitting by the fire catching up...

Not long after I arrived, another friend showed up who was MISERABLE.
I don't recall him complaining about anything in particular, just life in general, and it was awful.
Here we were vibe-ing, drinking, music-ing and all out reveling in each other's company - when this guy (we'll call him "Negative Ned") showed up and disturbed our fabulous eco-system.

Don't get me wrong; I am a VERY loyal friend.
If you need me, I'll be there, everyone who knows me knows that...and I will always listen if you need to vent, and even come up with a solution - that's what friends are for.
But if you're miserable with no aspirations other than to spread your doom around (like the friend who told me my recent job prospect probably "won't work out")  there's a reason we don't see each other as much. 

Life is hard enough as it is, Negative Ned's be damned.

And for those of you who think I'm being a hypocrite because I spent the fall luxuriating in despair, think again.  During that time I hosted guests from Toronto, Houston, Johannesburg  (and Toronto again!) and I STILL managed to laugh and drink and twerk my way through it, knowing that "this too shall pass."   

As for my anxiety attacks?
Turns out I've developed a reaction peanut butter. 
Stomach pains, heart palpations and hives were a result of peanuts, not stress.
Phew.

On a serious note, the Holidays can be tough.

While my real family is piecing their lives together after Alison's death last summer...my Thanksgiving family shares our pain as they have suffered similar losses, many years ago...
Still, there was laughter, singing, a beautiful prayer before dinner courtesy of Aunt Donna (on speakerphone because she was traveling) and yes, some tears too.
(Even now, after mentioning Alison, I had to step away from this computer and have a good long cry.)

Here's the thing.  Life goes on because it has to. 
There are people who are depending on us, and who need us - and we may not even meet them.
It's the reason I write this blog.

If I am lucky enough to be alive and well than I'm going to be of use and enjoy my time while I'm here.  Like Drew and I said before the family for dinner arrived last week, "It's a good Life."
Even Negative Ned came around. 
He picked up the tab for our MANY cocktails Thanksgiving Eve and managed to enjoy his night.

Just don't tell him I told you : )

Things haven't been the same

Since you came into my life

You've found a way to touch my soul

And I'm never, ever, ever gonna let it go

 

Happiness lies in your own hands

It' took me much too long to understand

How it could be

Until you shared your Secret with me

 

Something's coming over

Mmm mmm something's coming over

Mmm mmm something's coming over

Something's coming over me

My baby's got a Secret

 

~ Madonna

 

 

 



A Place of No & The Shift

For Jill, PJ, and Elise, with love.

Sigh.
Another day another dollar.
How it's almost the end of 2012 is beyond me.

I was saying to my mom on the phone the other night; although the year has flown by, for our family it feels like decades in some ways.
The year started with Alison still being alive, and despite her health problems, full of promise.
How quickly it can all change.

I'll never forget when my sister called that fateful July morning - I could hear the strain in her voice when she asked where I was...
"Alison was rushed to hospital" she said.
I went blank. "Ali who?"
"Our cousin."

Those of you who've had life-changing deaths (and births) will understand what I mean I say that your year gets broken up into "before" and "after" making it feel longer.
Many of you who lost homes/cars/power/loved ones during Hurricane Sandy also know what I mean. 
This Thanksgiving will be bittersweet for the tri-state area, as we ALL know people who were affected by the storm.

For my family, Christmas will be heartbreaking.

 

But as often happens in life, storms have aftermaths that bring people together and I got lucky. 

I had family friends in town, for the NY Marathon that never happened.

Was SO good to see them.

Like when I usually have visitors, I was emotional, homesick and grateful all at once.

(I also drank too much but Life is hard)

 

Also, after the a major loss, our family has been blessed with several births - if only to remind us that Life too, is precious.

 

............................................................................................

 

If you've been following this blog, you'll know that I'd been reading Bethenny Frankel's book "A Place of  Yes." 

I recently completed it and I must say I was impressed.

As somebody who writes about her own life, I can appreciate how tough it is to be that candid.

And she REALLY told her story - childhood trauma and all.

 

More than anything, it helped me to look at the positive steps I've taken in my life, while reflecting on the negative ones - and letting them go.

My cousin and I had a great talk while he was here.

Sure it was 4 in the morning and there MANY cocktails in our system, but I remember the conversation.



We talked about our own families, and he reminded me that there are those who truly feel that they CAN'T. 

They can't speak up.
They can't find joy in the simple things.
They can't take a stand
They can't take that risk.
Even if it's the best possible thing for them.

Bethenny reflects on how much she enjoys motherhood in the book.
Now that she's a parent, she cannot imagine HOW her mother could leave her as a child. 
But that's the hand she was dealt, and she found a way to survive.
Let's just say, I have a little more empathy towards those I feel I've been "wronged" by now.  

Some people just can't seem to get out of their own way.
The trick is to not let them hold YOU back.
Constantly paying for other people because they're perpetually broke (or unwilling to get a 2nd job like I had to!) and being dragged into their dramas is a thing of the past.

Alison's death changed that for me, almost accidentally.

As a result, I spend more time on creative ventures and I don't think it's a coincidence that people are taking notice.  Like another recent visitor said to me "It's amazing when you can see the shift happening."
I responded, "Ohhh the shift...I like it!"

The stars can align quickly, but in most cases (well mine anyway) it happens after years of struggling and even more years of crying.
But better a few difficult years than a lifetime of regret.

A canceled marathon didn't stop my friend from running one in Central Park (jet-lagged from Australia!) 
She trained for it, and dammit, she did it.
I told her: "You got the REAL New York experience, you were told NO and found a way."

Push past the words "I can't" and see where it gets you.
Good luck darlings.

Until next week...

Why do you look so sad and forsaken?

When one door is closed, don't you know, another is open?

~ Bob Marley