The Secret

Darlings,

Where do I begin?
It's been nearly 3 months since my last post.

I'm not going to lie, things have been rather...difficult.
Growing pains of the worst kind.
September was filled with job hunting, jobs that fell through, crippling anxiety attacks and angst towards life in general.

Its not easy to admit.
Whether it's a Funk, the Blues, or The Mean Reds, winter is more than just a season.
It's the reason I haven't written - I felt like I had nothing to say.
I was wallowing so badly that I would have been embarrassed to just sit here and complain.

That was then.

When you choose the road less traveled, as I have, you learn (quickly!) that things can change at the drop of a hat.  But it's usually preceded by a shift in attitude.
Don't get me wrong, I was going thru a spell of "bad luck" as we all do, and being away from my family only makes it harder; but indulging in self-pity is hardly the fast track to success.

I finally just said "screw this" and headed to my dusty bookshelf.  Out came Napoleon Hill's "Think & Grow Rich."  Yes ladies and gentleman, the OG of self-help books.   
I've since read several other books and would you believe EVERY single one of them (including Tony Robbins) quote Hill at some point. 

While visualizing and writing "I am a billionaire by 2015" may seem far fetched and unrealistic, it kinda beats "my life sucks!" being affirmed over and over again. 
(Truth be told, six months after watching "The Secret" in Toronto and visualizing The Empire State Building, I was back in New York, working around the corner from guess which building?)

This past Thanksgiving was spent with best friends who have become my family.
I am TRULY blessed to have them in my life, they have embraced me as if we've been together forever.
I left the city early to spend more time with them and within 10 minutes of my arrival there was wine poured and we were sitting by the fire catching up...

Not long after I arrived, another friend showed up who was MISERABLE.
I don't recall him complaining about anything in particular, just life in general, and it was awful.
Here we were vibe-ing, drinking, music-ing and all out reveling in each other's company - when this guy (we'll call him "Negative Ned") showed up and disturbed our fabulous eco-system.

Don't get me wrong; I am a VERY loyal friend.
If you need me, I'll be there, everyone who knows me knows that...and I will always listen if you need to vent, and even come up with a solution - that's what friends are for.
But if you're miserable with no aspirations other than to spread your doom around (like the friend who told me my recent job prospect probably "won't work out")  there's a reason we don't see each other as much. 

Life is hard enough as it is, Negative Ned's be damned.

And for those of you who think I'm being a hypocrite because I spent the fall luxuriating in despair, think again.  During that time I hosted guests from Toronto, Houston, Johannesburg  (and Toronto again!) and I STILL managed to laugh and drink and twerk my way through it, knowing that "this too shall pass."   

As for my anxiety attacks?
Turns out I've developed a reaction peanut butter. 
Stomach pains, heart palpations and hives were a result of peanuts, not stress.
Phew.

On a serious note, the Holidays can be tough.

While my real family is piecing their lives together after Alison's death last summer...my Thanksgiving family shares our pain as they have suffered similar losses, many years ago...
Still, there was laughter, singing, a beautiful prayer before dinner courtesy of Aunt Donna (on speakerphone because she was traveling) and yes, some tears too.
(Even now, after mentioning Alison, I had to step away from this computer and have a good long cry.)

Here's the thing.  Life goes on because it has to. 
There are people who are depending on us, and who need us - and we may not even meet them.
It's the reason I write this blog.

If I am lucky enough to be alive and well than I'm going to be of use and enjoy my time while I'm here.  Like Drew and I said before the family for dinner arrived last week, "It's a good Life."
Even Negative Ned came around. 
He picked up the tab for our MANY cocktails Thanksgiving Eve and managed to enjoy his night.

Just don't tell him I told you : )

Things haven't been the same

Since you came into my life

You've found a way to touch my soul

And I'm never, ever, ever gonna let it go

 

Happiness lies in your own hands

It' took me much too long to understand

How it could be

Until you shared your Secret with me

 

Something's coming over

Mmm mmm something's coming over

Mmm mmm something's coming over

Something's coming over me

My baby's got a Secret

 

~ Madonna

 

 

 



The Power or Perception

Hey Hey,

Did I get you with my self-help title?  (I was at a loss for another one.)

So.
Just like last month, we were hit by another "Super Moon" over the weekend and I'd lying if I said I wasn't terrified going into it.

Dear God, a full moon and PMS?
I'm surprised I wasn't on the ledge, or at least more sensitive than an usual.  
Sure I felt fat, hated my hair, (HATED) and sulked for no reason at all.  We've all been there.
I've also been stressed about money.

The positive to this, is that I know myself well enough to know that these feelings are temporary.
Money comes and goes much like water retention and full moons.
So these last few days, I bit my tongue and tried not to brood.
For the most part.

Yesterday, I was telling my friend C about my phone conversation with someone miserable.
She responded with "WHAT does she have to be miserable about?? She has an easy life!"
For a split second, I felt a flash of anger and was about to defend Misery, but I stopped myself.
If God hath granted us anything at all darlings, it's how we perceive ourselves and our lives.

How quickly would Misery's life change if she viewed her existence as "easy?"
How would yours?
I've been the victim before and it's exhausting.
It's a horrible way to live.

Oh the freedom that comes with viewing Life as one big party...better than Botox.

My good friend S, aka "that Jew from Brooklyn," recently got out of a toxic relationship...
He also said goodbye to coffee - and hello to Jack Daniels.
He's hanging out, laughing more and looks better than when we first met.
He's over the age of 50.

Look, nothing prepares you for broken hearts or disaster striking.
LIFE.
AIN'T.
EASY.
No doubt.

I have a book that sits at my friend CC's place in Toronto - the author wrote a great chapter on having the blues.
She said the only thing that gets you through those tough times, is knowing that they eventually come to an end.
Sometimes, you just have to wait it out.

I returned to running on the treadmill last week.
I threw my back out in early November - a painful herniated disc...
Six long months of no gym, constant pain and thousands of dollars spent on treatment.

Was I frustrated beyond belief?  Of course.
And yes, I wallowed from time to time.
Did I continue laughing and playing (and praying!) throughout?
Absolutely.

My Oprah moment: Never underestimate the power of positive thinking.
(Or a birthday weekend in Miami.)
Count your blessings darlings - you have more of them than you think.

Until next week....

This feeling inside

I can't explain

But my love is alive

And I'm never gonna hide it again!

~ Madonna

  


 


  

Spring Cleaning.

Well, It's here.
My birthday week.

March 1st usually greets me JUST as I'm slipping out of my long winter's coma...
It's like God leans down and whispers:
"It's OK to come outside now - your friends want to see you...Don't worry, spring is coming like it always does."

This year it's different.
I'm heading south.
That's right darlings, a much-needed (and deserved) vacation in Florida awaits.
North Beach.  South Beach.  Fort Lauderdale.
Anywhere the wind takes me.

Naturally I'm giddy with anticipation.
Not only will I be relaxing in the sun, I'll be re-connecting with my friends who live there.
Sweet.

The lead up hasn't been easy though.
Two weeks ago I began a 'cleanse' that came with protein shakes, vitamins, and tough diet restrictions.
No alcohol, coffee, red meat, or dairy.
Four of the days days (tho not in a row) are liquids only.
Ouch.

While shedding a few pounds is a bonus for any beach vacation, it was high time for a detox.
Was red wine becoming a bad habit?
Yes.
Had it been this way for a while?
Yes.

The line between a socializing and alcoholism is a fine one in New York City, and if you work at a bar, that line doesn't exit.
It was time to check myself.

Not surprisingly, I'm hungry.
But for much more than just food.
I find myself dreaming bigger than I have in a long time.

Maybe my worst habit of all has been settling for less.
Did I mention I gave up the phrase "I can't" for Lent?
I also gave up junk food.
The best news is, not only am I feeling like my old self again - I'm starting to look that way too.

More on that later.
It's time to pack.

Until next week my loves....

This feeling can't be beat

It's coursing through my whole bod-y

Feel the heat

~ Madonna

Strike 3.

I'm calling people out.

Yes it's been that type of week.
While Valentine's Day was deliciously (and drunkenly) filled with magic moments (always happens when I'm with Drew) the hangover left me seeing rather clearly.

And unlike MOST of my life, I haven't been afraid to say something.
Family, friends, dates, co-workers, employers, it's time to say what's on my mind.
As my friend S just said on the phone:
"Well now we know we've spent the better part of our lives afraid of being yelled at - but not anymore!"

It's true.
Afraid of hurting other people's feelings will always cause you to bury yours.
Unfortunately - so many of us were raised that way.

So why am I on this tear now?
I guess it started in 2011.  The year I'd rather forget.
Everyone I was close to was in agony and we all spent a good part of the year crying.
On top of that, I had to deal with abusive types at work and at home.

Being raised Christian and discouraged from using my voice growing up, I stood back and waited for these people to unravel - which naturally they did.
Like I always say: "People eventually reveal themselves"
Meaning; If someone is nasty to me for no reason - it's a matter of time before they show that side to everyone.

That's the wonderful (and terrible) thing about being a woman and looking like a girl - these haters are often clueless to my inner strength and wisdom.
Until I let them know.

No more mistaking kindness for weakness.
It IS 2012 after all.

Until next week darlings,

I think I'll follow my heart

It's a very good place to start

~ Madonna

Destiny's Child

Hi Dolls,

My original blog post was going to be about dedication and hard work - inspired by Madonna's performance (and record breaking audience) at last week's Super-Bowl.

And then came the news about Whitney Houston. 

A tragic ending to a life that inspired so many of us.
I am sitting here thinking about watching her music videos as a child and literally just feeling so proud of a female with my skin color taking the world by storm.
And that beauty. 
And that voice.

Before learning of her passing, I had been thinking a lot about fate.
The people in my life (past and present) who have ended up with unhappy lives that started off with such promise.  We all have stories of old friends who were "stars" in high school and ended up in a bad marriage, became a substance abuser, or simply never lived up to our expectations.
What lead them there? 

FATE: that which is inevitably predetermined; destiny; Death is our ineluctable fate.

How much do we "chose" our destiny?  How much is God at play?
It is my personal belief that it works both ways.
While I feel very "guided" in my daily existence, I have always subscribed to the adage "God helps those who help themselves."

I've taken MANY acting classes and workshops and during the introductions there is always a woman that says "Well, I became a wife and a mom and put my acting aspirations on hold, and now I'm finally doing what I want to do, before it's too late"

I promised myself then and there, that would never be me. 
I would take responsibility for my own creative stirrings - and spare any later resentment I'd feel towards a husband and child for not following my heart.
Of course, it came with a tremendous amount to sacrifice.

The saddest thing about Ms Houston's passing is that we kind of saw it coming, didn't we?
While we were heart-broken by the sudden deaths of Michael Jackson and Amy Winehouse...were we really that shocked?
How we prayed that they'd get better and make a come-back for the fans. 
For themselves.

Then there's that dark horse that surprises us. 
People who beat addiction, cancer, bankruptcy, bad press!
For some reason, the keep going.
Because the have to.

And then there's Madonna.
Could anyone have predicted this career in 1981?
Or that she'd sign a NEW (lucrative!) record deal at the age of 50??
Love her or hate her - the woman doesn't stop.

In 2007 she stated:
"I want to be like Ghandi, and Martin Luther King, and John Lennon...but I want to stay alive"
So do I man.
So do I.

Until next week, my lovelies...

"You may ask yourself, well, how did I get here?"

~ Talking Heads