A Place of No & The Shift

For Jill, PJ, and Elise, with love.

Sigh.
Another day another dollar.
How it's almost the end of 2012 is beyond me.

I was saying to my mom on the phone the other night; although the year has flown by, for our family it feels like decades in some ways.
The year started with Alison still being alive, and despite her health problems, full of promise.
How quickly it can all change.

I'll never forget when my sister called that fateful July morning - I could hear the strain in her voice when she asked where I was...
"Alison was rushed to hospital" she said.
I went blank. "Ali who?"
"Our cousin."

Those of you who've had life-changing deaths (and births) will understand what I mean I say that your year gets broken up into "before" and "after" making it feel longer.
Many of you who lost homes/cars/power/loved ones during Hurricane Sandy also know what I mean. 
This Thanksgiving will be bittersweet for the tri-state area, as we ALL know people who were affected by the storm.

For my family, Christmas will be heartbreaking.

 

But as often happens in life, storms have aftermaths that bring people together and I got lucky. 

I had family friends in town, for the NY Marathon that never happened.

Was SO good to see them.

Like when I usually have visitors, I was emotional, homesick and grateful all at once.

(I also drank too much but Life is hard)

 

Also, after the a major loss, our family has been blessed with several births - if only to remind us that Life too, is precious.

 

............................................................................................

 

If you've been following this blog, you'll know that I'd been reading Bethenny Frankel's book "A Place of  Yes." 

I recently completed it and I must say I was impressed.

As somebody who writes about her own life, I can appreciate how tough it is to be that candid.

And she REALLY told her story - childhood trauma and all.

 

More than anything, it helped me to look at the positive steps I've taken in my life, while reflecting on the negative ones - and letting them go.

My cousin and I had a great talk while he was here.

Sure it was 4 in the morning and there MANY cocktails in our system, but I remember the conversation.



We talked about our own families, and he reminded me that there are those who truly feel that they CAN'T. 

They can't speak up.
They can't find joy in the simple things.
They can't take a stand
They can't take that risk.
Even if it's the best possible thing for them.

Bethenny reflects on how much she enjoys motherhood in the book.
Now that she's a parent, she cannot imagine HOW her mother could leave her as a child. 
But that's the hand she was dealt, and she found a way to survive.
Let's just say, I have a little more empathy towards those I feel I've been "wronged" by now.  

Some people just can't seem to get out of their own way.
The trick is to not let them hold YOU back.
Constantly paying for other people because they're perpetually broke (or unwilling to get a 2nd job like I had to!) and being dragged into their dramas is a thing of the past.

Alison's death changed that for me, almost accidentally.

As a result, I spend more time on creative ventures and I don't think it's a coincidence that people are taking notice.  Like another recent visitor said to me "It's amazing when you can see the shift happening."
I responded, "Ohhh the shift...I like it!"

The stars can align quickly, but in most cases (well mine anyway) it happens after years of struggling and even more years of crying.
But better a few difficult years than a lifetime of regret.

A canceled marathon didn't stop my friend from running one in Central Park (jet-lagged from Australia!) 
She trained for it, and dammit, she did it.
I told her: "You got the REAL New York experience, you were told NO and found a way."

Push past the words "I can't" and see where it gets you.
Good luck darlings.

Until next week...

Why do you look so sad and forsaken?

When one door is closed, don't you know, another is open?

~ Bob Marley



Temporary Insanity?

Dah-lings,

Will you EVER forgive me for taking an entire month to write?
My apologies.

First off, I want to thank you for making my last post "Sexes & the City" my most-read blog to date.
I also want to thank Rebecca Traister of Marie Claire for the shout-out on twitter.
Read it here:

http://blackcatbaby-imjustsayin.blogspot.com/2012/06/sexes-city.html

I started writing this blog from sunny California at an outdoor cafe...
Jealous?
(While I'm sipping $3 Sangria)
Jealous now??

I had been on a working vacation (is there any other kind when you live in NY and work in entertainment?) and you would NOT believe the exhaustion.  
Not jet-lag, exhaustion!
The type of sleepiness you don't let yourself feel in a city like Manhattan.

It's one thing to tell yourself you need a break - it's quite another to experience it.
(and those of you know me well, you know I'm NEVER tired and always want to keep the party going.)
I'm in a state of flux these days...
Like, the energy's low but the standards are rising.

I went through this in June 2010.

I could sense there was a feeling of "expansion" waiting to happen.
I wanted to to move on to bigger and better things - but wasn't quite sure how.
In the end, I moved to the biggest room in the apartment, and thanks to a friend leaving town got a huge (luxurious! comfortable!) bed to go with it.

Around this time, my friend S and I challenged each other to put together a 'vision board' outlining where we'd like to to be in 10 years.  I looked through magazines and just pulled images that moved me.  To my surprise, it was filled with images of  Los Angeles.  In fact, the board was SO west coast looking, I stuck on a picture of the empire state building!




The thing about spiritual growth spurts is that, we are forced to look at ALL aspects of our life, whether we like it or not.  I came into 2012 with promises to have have more fun and while there have been lots of laughs, and too many hangovers...I think I need to be more honest with myself on what "fun" really is.

Is fun drinking and dancing with a guy that doesn't really give a damn about you?
That lies about having a girlfriend?  (Or wanting one?!)
I LOVE to tell myself that I'm this strong independent woman - but when an a girl I barely knew recently asked me "So who's your boyfriend this week?"  I felt a sense of shame.

If I don't like being treated like an accessory to these guys, then maybe I need to check myself.
Compromising my feelings and my expectations are now a thing of the past.
Suddenly, I see clearly.

And to the hater that's reading this, I won't be compromising my self-expression either.
I'll write what I feel - and if you think it's about you, that's your problem.
And your loss.

I'm Black Cat F*ckin Baby.
Get familiar.
(That one was for you T.O!)

Cuz honey, I'm not going anywhere.
Or am I?

To be continued...

And when you're out there, 

Without care

Yeah I was out of touch

But it wasn't because I didn't know enough 

I just knew too much

Does that make me crazy?

Does that make me crazy?

Does that make me crazy?

Possibly

And I hope that you are having the time of your life.

But think twice.

That's my only advice.

~ Gnarles Barkley

Sexes & The City.

I would rather be a beggar and single than married and Queen.

~ Queen Elizabeth 1533-1603 (aka the Virgin Queen) 

Lovelies Hello!

My apologies for the 2 week blog break.

It was not my intention but work as has been hectic.

More than anything tho, I was taking a break from myself.

You know when you're going through the motions, eating whatever and not working out?

That's pretty much what I've been doing - and working 6-7 days a week. 

I always view it like I'm "skimming the surface" so-to-speak, no writing or deep thought, just getting through it.

In doing so, I came across an article by Rebecca Traister in June's Marie Claire magazine - called "Love and the Single Girl."  In it, Traister talks about the rise of the unmarried woman.  Single women have been getting a lot of press lately.  Some good, some bad, some political.  But for most us, it's just life as usual.

http://www.marieclaire.com/sex-love/single-girl-trend?click=main_sr

For those of you who follow this blog - you are aware of the bad dates, the 'champagne campaigns,' and of course The Miami.  I make no claims of singlehood being easy, nor do I hide the fact that (for the most part) I'm having the time of my life.  JUST when I start to feel "amiss" as to why I can't seem to "settle down already" an article like this comes along and makes it all better.

Or does it?

I believe it was my last blog (or was it the one before?) I had mentioned my crush on a certain football player that gave me butterflies for the first time in ages...

Well, that son-of-a-bitch stood me up recently (no explanation, no apology) and I cut him off.  Was I too harsh?  Or was I smart enough to know that forgiving him would have set the stage for future disappointment?  More than likely, the latter.

I say this because, it came to my attention recently that not one, but TWO close friends had been in near-violent altercations with their (now ex) boyfriends.  I was horrified.  I know in both situations these men had showed ugly sides of themselves before, and still my friends stayed.

Not only are these women smart and beautiful (and career driven, and independent) they are also what I consider my "free-spirit" friends.  You know, the people that you go to when you need to be encouraged but still offer advice deeply rooted in reality?  I don't think I even need to tell you that they 'knew better' than to be treated like this.  

Both come from loving homes with good fathers.  Like the wise women they are, they are moving forward like champions.  They are survivors.      

I can give many MANY more examples of poor treatment and settling that have been done by all of us, God knows I've made some mistakes.  But I was smart enough not to marry it.  (Thankfully so were they.)

Flirting with Danger is fun, I've done it.  It keeps life interesting.

Hell, even sex with Danger is a thrill - but I ain't making a life with him, or putting up with his abusive bullshit.

I've been through too much to lower my standards now.

I'd like to thank Marie Claire and Rebecca Traister for an article that made me feel like I'm part of a movement rooted in independence and self-worth.  It's much better than "spinster" and "selfish."  Like my friend and acting teacher Richard McKenna told me years ago "it's just as important to know what you DON'T want as it is to know what you do."

If I know that I don't want to be with someone who makes me feel guilty for being who I am, or (FOR FUCK'S SAKE) threatens to hit me - then so be it.  

If this post is longer and more serious in tone that the others it's because I'm aware of how many YOUNG women are reading.

And I take that position seriously. 

I owe it to you girls - but most importantly, you owe it to yourselves.

I worked hard and sacrificed to get what I get

Ladies it ain't easy being independent

~ Destiny's Child

Spring Cleaning.

Well, It's here.
My birthday week.

March 1st usually greets me JUST as I'm slipping out of my long winter's coma...
It's like God leans down and whispers:
"It's OK to come outside now - your friends want to see you...Don't worry, spring is coming like it always does."

This year it's different.
I'm heading south.
That's right darlings, a much-needed (and deserved) vacation in Florida awaits.
North Beach.  South Beach.  Fort Lauderdale.
Anywhere the wind takes me.

Naturally I'm giddy with anticipation.
Not only will I be relaxing in the sun, I'll be re-connecting with my friends who live there.
Sweet.

The lead up hasn't been easy though.
Two weeks ago I began a 'cleanse' that came with protein shakes, vitamins, and tough diet restrictions.
No alcohol, coffee, red meat, or dairy.
Four of the days days (tho not in a row) are liquids only.
Ouch.

While shedding a few pounds is a bonus for any beach vacation, it was high time for a detox.
Was red wine becoming a bad habit?
Yes.
Had it been this way for a while?
Yes.

The line between a socializing and alcoholism is a fine one in New York City, and if you work at a bar, that line doesn't exit.
It was time to check myself.

Not surprisingly, I'm hungry.
But for much more than just food.
I find myself dreaming bigger than I have in a long time.

Maybe my worst habit of all has been settling for less.
Did I mention I gave up the phrase "I can't" for Lent?
I also gave up junk food.
The best news is, not only am I feeling like my old self again - I'm starting to look that way too.

More on that later.
It's time to pack.

Until next week my loves....

This feeling can't be beat

It's coursing through my whole bod-y

Feel the heat

~ Madonna