2013.

It's been a while darlings.
Three months to be exact.
A bit longer than that, actually.

I don't really have a reason or excuse for my absence...yes I'd been working a lot - but that has always been the case. 
It's hard to talk (or write) about what you feel when you're unsure of what "it" is.
If anything, I guess I'm a little disenfranchised...
Not with this blog, (or you my lovely reader) but with Life in general.

My last post took place right before Christmas...
I entered 2013 completely and totally exhausted.
Emotionally, physically, psychologically and especially spiritually.
That last part's not easy to admit.
 I mean, Life is generally "easier" if you believe God has a plan for you, isn't it?

In many ways, 2012 was 2 years in one.

The first 7 months were pure ignorant bliss...
I quoted a Jersey Shore cast member by exclaiming "Life is a holiday!"
And it was.
I breezed to Miami for my birthday, schmoozed in Hollywood, dated online, and made this blog a weekly column.

Three weeks into July, all of that changed with the sudden death of our cousin Alison. 
The grief that followed can't even be described here.  And for me it was more than grief, it was isolation as my family lives in another city. 
My year was quite literally ripped in half.

Everything that I knew to be real was gone.

I don't think I mentioned this before, but at the time of Alison's death I had begun seeing someone. 
We had spoken about becoming more serious about a week prior to that horrible news - and when I asked if he could come over, he didn't.
I haven't seen him since.
 
While modern technology has allowed me to express myself in this really cool way, I am going to say something important so please pay attention:
A text message and/or phone call will not save someone who is drowning. You have to JUMP INTO the water and get wet if you want your loved one see another day.

And to those of you who did that for me last year, thank you.
You helped bring me back to Life.

The discussion at my church tonight is about forgiveness.  I won't be going.
I'm not quite there yet.
But I am back.
And I've missed you.

Until next week...

Little Darling

I feel that ice is slowly melting

Little Darling

It seems like years since it's been clear

Here comes the sun

Here comes the sun, and I say

It's all right

~ The Beatles



A Place of No & The Shift

For Jill, PJ, and Elise, with love.

Sigh.
Another day another dollar.
How it's almost the end of 2012 is beyond me.

I was saying to my mom on the phone the other night; although the year has flown by, for our family it feels like decades in some ways.
The year started with Alison still being alive, and despite her health problems, full of promise.
How quickly it can all change.

I'll never forget when my sister called that fateful July morning - I could hear the strain in her voice when she asked where I was...
"Alison was rushed to hospital" she said.
I went blank. "Ali who?"
"Our cousin."

Those of you who've had life-changing deaths (and births) will understand what I mean I say that your year gets broken up into "before" and "after" making it feel longer.
Many of you who lost homes/cars/power/loved ones during Hurricane Sandy also know what I mean. 
This Thanksgiving will be bittersweet for the tri-state area, as we ALL know people who were affected by the storm.

For my family, Christmas will be heartbreaking.

 

But as often happens in life, storms have aftermaths that bring people together and I got lucky. 

I had family friends in town, for the NY Marathon that never happened.

Was SO good to see them.

Like when I usually have visitors, I was emotional, homesick and grateful all at once.

(I also drank too much but Life is hard)

 

Also, after the a major loss, our family has been blessed with several births - if only to remind us that Life too, is precious.

 

............................................................................................

 

If you've been following this blog, you'll know that I'd been reading Bethenny Frankel's book "A Place of  Yes." 

I recently completed it and I must say I was impressed.

As somebody who writes about her own life, I can appreciate how tough it is to be that candid.

And she REALLY told her story - childhood trauma and all.

 

More than anything, it helped me to look at the positive steps I've taken in my life, while reflecting on the negative ones - and letting them go.

My cousin and I had a great talk while he was here.

Sure it was 4 in the morning and there MANY cocktails in our system, but I remember the conversation.



We talked about our own families, and he reminded me that there are those who truly feel that they CAN'T. 

They can't speak up.
They can't find joy in the simple things.
They can't take a stand
They can't take that risk.
Even if it's the best possible thing for them.

Bethenny reflects on how much she enjoys motherhood in the book.
Now that she's a parent, she cannot imagine HOW her mother could leave her as a child. 
But that's the hand she was dealt, and she found a way to survive.
Let's just say, I have a little more empathy towards those I feel I've been "wronged" by now.  

Some people just can't seem to get out of their own way.
The trick is to not let them hold YOU back.
Constantly paying for other people because they're perpetually broke (or unwilling to get a 2nd job like I had to!) and being dragged into their dramas is a thing of the past.

Alison's death changed that for me, almost accidentally.

As a result, I spend more time on creative ventures and I don't think it's a coincidence that people are taking notice.  Like another recent visitor said to me "It's amazing when you can see the shift happening."
I responded, "Ohhh the shift...I like it!"

The stars can align quickly, but in most cases (well mine anyway) it happens after years of struggling and even more years of crying.
But better a few difficult years than a lifetime of regret.

A canceled marathon didn't stop my friend from running one in Central Park (jet-lagged from Australia!) 
She trained for it, and dammit, she did it.
I told her: "You got the REAL New York experience, you were told NO and found a way."

Push past the words "I can't" and see where it gets you.
Good luck darlings.

Until next week...

Why do you look so sad and forsaken?

When one door is closed, don't you know, another is open?

~ Bob Marley



Much ado about Everything

Dolls,

There is this nagging feeling that something needs to change.
If you've been following this blog over the last few months than you know something already has.  Our family suffered a devastating loss and we are all still recovering from it.
Or at least trying to.

I've come to the conclusion that there is no making "sense" of the fact that my cousin lost his beautiful daughter - or that she was chosen to suffer from an illness the last 5 years of her life.
I do know that it makes me sad.
And I doubt that there will come a time when it won't.

In my own life, I feel "stuck" emotionally and physically.
I twisted my ankle recently and am unable to exercise...between that and 'grief eating' the weight gain is noticeable.  It's just where I'm at right now.
I make no excuses.

I once read that when we don't want to be vulnerable, we will 'develop' a layer of fat to protect ourselves from being hurt.
Interesting.
Before Alison passed away, 2012 was on it's way to becoming one of the best years ever.
I was traveling, dating, drinking, dancing.

I'm almost embarrassed by my blogs prior to that fateful phone call.
But that's how it was then - and at the very least, I was making the most of my life.
Or so I thought.
I've realized something; somewhere along the way I stopped Dreaming Big.

What happened to my ambition?
Did it get lost in day-to-day life?

I was never "just" a dreamer.
I always to managed to somehow forge ahead and walk the talk.
(That's why the extra pounds ain't bothering me, I'll lose it, watch me.)
I remember when an old friend (also named Alison) counted the qualities in her friends that she most admired - mine was loyalty and ambition.

The problem is that loyalty always came first - and I spent much of my life trying to rescue people who couldn't even help themselves.  Or didn't want to.
As a result, my own needs were swallowed.
My NY Mom, Deb, said it best;
"If I were to die, you would take the day off work to come to my funeral - but you can't be there for me when I'm alive?"
Bingo.

In many ways, I'm not only mourning a loss, I'm mourning the old Me.
And the people that I used to know.

It's not about being cold and callus.
It's about being clear.
Or, as an email sent to me by my real mom said; surrounding yourself with "those who add and multiply making you more than you are - not those who subtract and divide, thereby devaluing you."

SIGH.

I was messaging with my cousin Kiana the other night and it was such an important conversation for us both.  I don't know HOW her and her sister have managed to hold it together in the wake of Alison's death, but they have.  She told me that Alison wanted to become a social worker.  Through my tears, I replied, "She IS a social worker.  She brought the family closer together, and in a strange way has us reevaluating our own lives as we know it."

It's true.
Some decisions have to be made - I can't avoid them forever.
In the meantime, I'll allow myself time to heal.
Physically and emotionally.

Until next week -xo-

Lady picture show

She hides behind the bedroom door

Lady picture show

She  hides behind the bedroom wall

She hides because she don't know nothin'

Don't know nothin' anymore

She keeps a funny face it's locked and bagged

It's just outside the door

She doesn't know her name

She doesn't know her face

She doesn't know her name

She doesn't know her face

~ Stone Temple Pilots

Careless Whisper

Hi Darlings,

Wanna know how fast New York City is?
My last blog post was only seven days ago - and I'm trying to think of which man, (or men) I was upset with!

I suppose that's why I love it here so much.  

No matter how tough it gets...there really isn't time to sit around moping, there's too much to do!

Which inspires me to make this public service announcement:

To those of you who've known me a long time, please don't think that I lack empathy when it comes to your problems and life's dramas.  It's just that I put myself in a city and situation that doesn't work when sitting around wallowing. It's a struggle EVERY day to look up and stay positive, and I'm doing it on my own.  I take FULL responsibility for the choices I've made.  

It's not easy, I just make it look that way.

Having said all that - I wouldn't have it any other way.

All the tears shed in 2011 has made 2012 so much sweeter. 

I see why it's important to count your blessings, because trust me, I'm grateful.    

The disappointments and heartache of one minute - can lead sweet appreciation the next.

Or it can harden your soul to the core.

As my dear friend K reminded the other day, it's a GOOD thing I've been let down by so many people (ha!) because as I result I've developed a "devil-may-care" attitude.

Oh how I love that saying...

If "Is That All There Is" is my theme song for 2012 - then honey, "Devil-may-care" is my phrase.

Definition: "Cheerfully Irresponsible," "Happy-go-lucky" and my personal favorite, "Careless with his money."

I woke up this morning thinking about how this is the most "stable" I've been in a long time.  Certainly since I've lived here.  

Don't get me wrong I'm not complacent, nor will I ever be - I'm far too ambitious for that.

Is this why they say it takes "years" to become an overnight success?

With my theme song and motto in tact, you could say it took years to become Holly Golightly!

Audrey Hepburn's portrayal of Holly in "Breakfast At Tiffany's" changed my life.

(I mean, how could I NOT want to live in Manhattan after seeing that?)

There she was, a beautiful woman who kept her wits about her despite bad dates and poor choices.

She refused to receive news about being dumped until she had her lipstick on (sound familiar?)

But that's not why I got Holly.

I related to her loneliness and vulnerability.

She moved to New York and became someone else in order to survive.

With her small frame and lipsticked smile, you'd never know the strength that lied within.

In short, she made it look easy.

Until next week lovelies...

And this the life we chose 

Working all night 

Swear I'm never going broke

And  I'm-a  do this till I die

And I ain't talkin' sh*t

Just 'cause  I'm, just 'cause I'm...

(I'm high)

~ Chris Brown

 

   

  

The Silver Standard?

It's funny where Life takes us.
I've been so busy concentrating on the "fun" intentions of 2012, that I've almost missed some of the lessons.
Almost.

Well, the first quarter has now come and gone and I can proudly say that I'm letting myself out of the bubble I've been living in.
I'm not avoiding the news anymore - and yes, I'm taking your phone calls.
I'm ready to return to reality.
(Miami IS just a plane ride away)

There's more.
I'm trading up.

There's something to be said about complaining.
Some people do it just to hear the sound of their own voice, while others do it to join in on the conversation.
Nobody likes being left out after all.

And then, there's the rest of us.
We know that something's wrong, and something must be done to correct it.

So many of us were raised to put others first.
Our parents, our siblings our friends, our lovers.
I'm not talking about the 'Christian way' of showing compassion towards our fellow man either.
I'm talking about the habitual pattern of being second best.

Author Julia Cameron deems it "nonsense" that certain people never made it because of lack of talent.
Most of us never had the ego strength required to hunt for that that gold medal.
We were too busy jumping at the chance to help everybody else.
Like my cousin gently reminded me at dinner one night, "But Lauren, YOU need support too."

Show me a family where one child is raised to be the caretaker - and more often than not, you'll find one of it's members raising hell.
Unapologetically.
That's just the way it goes.

The GOOD news?
Adulthood provides us with choice.
We can change a habit and create a new one.
Not just in our expectations of ourselves - but in the way we allow people to treat us.
It's not too late.

Back to fun next week, I promise.

It's my turn

To start from number one

Trying to undo

Some damage that's been done

But now it's my turn

To reach and touch the sky

No one's gonna say

At least I didn't try

~ Diana Ross

Is that all there is?

Hi Lovelies,

Well it's a gorgeous day and I'm a little grouchy.
(Do people still say grouchy?  I'm bringing it back)
Forgive me, St Patrick's Day has come and gone and I'm left with a green manicure and slight hangover.

Where was I?

I've been thinking a lot about chemistry and physical attraction.
Remember that Sex & the City episode "I Love a Charade," when the girls go to the Hamptons for Bobby and Bitsy's wedding? 
Bobby was clearly a gay man, and Bitsy was far too old not to know the truth.
Throughout the ceremony jokes were cracked, as everyone scratched their heads wondering "WHY?!"

Just how important is sexual chemistry?
(For me - on a scale of 1 to 10 I'd say it's about 49.)
What do you do when you meet someone who's all the right things, but there's no "spark?"
Is it worth exploring?

My roommate B advised "Well, go with your gut..." to which I quickly responded, "My gut has made mistakes!"
God knows there are PLENTY of sparks out there with no substance or no family values - but they sure come with a whole lotta fun.
Perhaps I've been spoiled.

Or maybe the problem isn't that don't know what I want - it's that I DO.
Because one thing I discovered while I was in Miami, I really enjoy being single.
Am I avoiding intimacy?
Or am I just embracing my true feelings?

I mean, I haven't sold myself short thus far, why start now?
Carrie said it best at the end of the "Charade" episode:
"Some people are settling down, some people are settling...and some people refuse to settle, for anything less than butterflies..."

And don't worry darlings, it's not like I've given up on true love or anything...but for now, let's enjoy the springtime, shall we?

Until next week...

Is that all there is?

Is that all there is?

If that's all there is my friends, than let's keep dancing

Let's break the out booze and have a ball

If that's all, there is

~ Peggy Lee 

Street Life.

"I still hang around neither lost nor found
Hear the lonely sound of music in the night
Nights are always bright
That's all that's left for me, yeah"

The above lyrics by song writer Joe Sample (of The Crusaders) were inspired while being on a beginner's ski slope at Mammoth Mountain, California. 
He said:
 "I saw people falling, running into each other... it was absolute chaos. It looked like a boulevard of madness. And I said, That's what 'Street Life' is."

Well Darlings,

I gotta tell you - writing while you're preparing for vacation (or better yet, while you're ON vacation) is much easier than doing it when you come back.
The birthday "high" is beginning to fade.
Thankfully I have daylight savings and spring-time temps keep my spirits up.

I was overwhelmed by the amount of well-wishes I received last week from friends and family.
I got one message from my cousin who was so sweet and encouraging but I found myself slightly defensive.
She said she'd heard I was "living the life" and exclaimed "that's the way life should be."

I play the Street Life because there's no place I can go
Street Life, it's the only Life I know

I just remember thinking "God if you only knew!"
It's easy to feel like life's a beach when you're ON the beach.
It's quite another to be slinging drinks at a bar for 15 hours, just to survive in New York City.
I take that back.
To THRIVE in New York City.

Street Life - and there's a thousand parts to play
Street Life - until you play your Life away

Nobody wants to hear about the tough breaks and the struggles - and nobody sees the tears...God knows there are plenty of them.
I think it was Janet Jackson who said that nobody wants to hear her complaining.
(This is a woman who lived her entire career in her brother's shadow - and then he DIED)

Anyway my point is this.
My cousin is RIGHT.
I am living the life. 
I celebrated my birthday the entire time I was in Miami, then had an EPIC celebration the day after I returned.  (From what I remember anyway)

 You let the people see just who you wanna be
And every night you shine, just like a superstar

Yes of course it's a hustle.
Like Samantha Jones famously said on Sex & the City:
"A homeless man just showed me his DICK on the way here!  It doesn't get any realer than that!"
True indeed.

What's also true is that the struggle makes us stronger. 
We're all in it together so friendship bonds can form quickly.
And they have.
And it's fabulous.

Three months in and 2012 has already kicked 2011's ass.
May the "Champagne Campaign" continue.
Until next week...

That's how the Life is played - a tempting masquerade

You dress, you walk, you talk

You're who you think you are

 ~ The Crusaders

 







 

Modern Family

Hi Guys!

I'm here in my post-Superbowl-champagne-haze glory.
(Barely.)

February brings with it a lot more than championship football.
Yup, it's that time of year again folks: Valentine's Day.
(Or as Bill Maher calls it "The holiday designed to make single people feel like shit.")

While I've been mating and dating all over Gotham City since the new year began, I'll be spending the night of the 14th with my best gay boyfriend, Drew. 
I've spent Christmases and Thanksgiving with him and his family. 
Everyone is welcome, everyone has fun.

I remember hearing Candace Bushnell (author of Sex & The City) speak when I was still living in Toronto.  During the question and answer period, a woman asked the writer why we didn't see main character's family on the show.

Having lived in NY before, I knew what Bushnell was going to say:
"The show is about Carrie Bradshaw and her friends...when you move to New York City, your friends become your family."
Ain't that the truth.

When we immigrated from Cape Town to Toronto all those years ago, a huge community awaited us (even at the airport!) making a difficult transition that much easier.
While many people follow jobs and spouses to the Big Apple, most of us come here alone.
And unless you've done it, you will never know how tough it really is.

Everything you feel is amplified when you're out of your comfort zone. 
Joy, pain, pleasure, and of course, loneliness.
The best part of vulnerability I suppose - is that it forces you to open your heart and let new people in.

I didn't go the "traditional" route of getting married and having children.
And I may never.  Who knows?
But I absolutely have a family - that I created all by myself. 

It's my proudest New York accomplishment so far.

If you let me, here's what I'll do

I'll take care of you

~Rihanna & Drake

Part 2 - Joy & Opportunity.

Hi there, me again.

This post is a continuation of "I say a little prayer for you," my last blog...
While I could have written a NOVEL, with all those thoughts in my head (I suppose that's my next move isn't it?) I wanted to give you some space to take it all in.

As mentioned yesterday, I put a request out into the Heavens and got my wish almost immediately.

What I want to talk about today is when we DON'T say a prayer, and God hooks us up regardless.
A job, contact, or even romance...can just "show up" unannounced and wait to be invited in.
(In my case online romance - seriously I'm getting these guys mixed up now, it's hysterical)

My friend got a call last week about writing a TV show for his friend. 
He came to me (we work well together) and we had a decent (funny) pilot written in less than 2 days.
I was very proud.

We didn't just "stop" what we were doing either. 
We still had jobs to do etc., but we MADE the time to get it done.
I had dates and drinks planned - and I canceled them
 
There were sooo many times - especially when I was pursuing acting, that opportunities like these were OFFERED to me and I turned them down and/or made excuses.

Not this time. 
Not this year.

........................................................

Right before I left for church on Sunday, I got an email from my darling friend C.
Her new husband found something that he thought was an old receipt and noticed it was a hand-written affirmation.
It was in my hand-writing.
Something I had given C YEARS ago:

"It is safe for me to experience joy in every aspect of my life. I love life." (Louise Hay)

Now, my mantra for 2012 thus far has been "It's time to start having fun again."
But isn't Joy just Fun's older and WISER cousin?

I'm going to use this affirmation for the next week (and boy do I need it, I've been cranky) and see where it takes me. 
I'll let you know how it goes.

Until week next my loves...

Little darling, the smiles returning to the faces
Little darling, it seems like years since it's been here
Here comes the sun
Here comes the sun, and I say
It's all right

~ The Beatles

   

Dating Call.

Helloooooo....

Well 2012 is in full swing and I'm proud to say the melancholy of last week has taken a leave of absence.

I've been far too busy going out to worry about the post-Christmas blues...
I had never tried online dating sites before kept promising myself I'd check it out one day "just to see."

What a fool I've been!
Went out with three lovely suitors last week, all gentlemen, all handsome.
(All with cool jobs!)

Yes, of course there are some crazies out there.
And sadly, lots of guys like to talk about dating from the comfort of their computers, as opposed to actually doing it.

And who are we kidding, would any one of my companions have passed up the chance to end up 'back at my place' at the end of the night?
Not bloody likely.

Just as I vow this to be my "year of fun," self-respect is still the order of the day.

One thing I hadn't bargained for was the vulnerability that comes with putting my heart on the line.  It's a little scary, I won't lie.
Especially when you meet someone that you'd love to see again.

There may not be sex in the city (just yet) but there are plenty of fish in the sea.

More next week.

I've got the sweetest hangover

I don't wanna get over...

~ Diana Ross

       

The Party's Over.

Well Darlings,
While my last post was a look-back at the past, this one is very much rooted in the present.

It's here.
The most anti-climactic month of the year - January.
No more cookies, no more parties, no more cards.
No more crowds.
Just the hangover from it all.

Growing up in Canada, January is a BRUTAL month weather-wise.
Spring feels like miles away, as the temps drop lower and lower.
My friend C and I fondly coined the phrase "Jan in Can" while emailing one day, just to cheer each other up.

I am deep in the the throws of this melancholy, lifted only by the fact that 2011 is over.

While I evaluate where I am and where I'm going for the new year, a part of me still wants to say "Merry Christmas."
Or at least capture the feeling that comes along with saying it.

Don't get me wrong, 2012 is the "year of fun" as promised.
I'm already laughing more.
And for the life of me - I cannot keep up with the many emails thanks to an online dating site I just joined.
This should be good.

More next week.....

In my heart the fire's burnin'
Choose my color find a star
Precious people always tell me
That's a step, a step too far

~ Culture Club