The Secret

Darlings,

Where do I begin?
It's been nearly 3 months since my last post.

I'm not going to lie, things have been rather...difficult.
Growing pains of the worst kind.
September was filled with job hunting, jobs that fell through, crippling anxiety attacks and angst towards life in general.

Its not easy to admit.
Whether it's a Funk, the Blues, or The Mean Reds, winter is more than just a season.
It's the reason I haven't written - I felt like I had nothing to say.
I was wallowing so badly that I would have been embarrassed to just sit here and complain.

That was then.

When you choose the road less traveled, as I have, you learn (quickly!) that things can change at the drop of a hat.  But it's usually preceded by a shift in attitude.
Don't get me wrong, I was going thru a spell of "bad luck" as we all do, and being away from my family only makes it harder; but indulging in self-pity is hardly the fast track to success.

I finally just said "screw this" and headed to my dusty bookshelf.  Out came Napoleon Hill's "Think & Grow Rich."  Yes ladies and gentleman, the OG of self-help books.   
I've since read several other books and would you believe EVERY single one of them (including Tony Robbins) quote Hill at some point. 

While visualizing and writing "I am a billionaire by 2015" may seem far fetched and unrealistic, it kinda beats "my life sucks!" being affirmed over and over again. 
(Truth be told, six months after watching "The Secret" in Toronto and visualizing The Empire State Building, I was back in New York, working around the corner from guess which building?)

This past Thanksgiving was spent with best friends who have become my family.
I am TRULY blessed to have them in my life, they have embraced me as if we've been together forever.
I left the city early to spend more time with them and within 10 minutes of my arrival there was wine poured and we were sitting by the fire catching up...

Not long after I arrived, another friend showed up who was MISERABLE.
I don't recall him complaining about anything in particular, just life in general, and it was awful.
Here we were vibe-ing, drinking, music-ing and all out reveling in each other's company - when this guy (we'll call him "Negative Ned") showed up and disturbed our fabulous eco-system.

Don't get me wrong; I am a VERY loyal friend.
If you need me, I'll be there, everyone who knows me knows that...and I will always listen if you need to vent, and even come up with a solution - that's what friends are for.
But if you're miserable with no aspirations other than to spread your doom around (like the friend who told me my recent job prospect probably "won't work out")  there's a reason we don't see each other as much. 

Life is hard enough as it is, Negative Ned's be damned.

And for those of you who think I'm being a hypocrite because I spent the fall luxuriating in despair, think again.  During that time I hosted guests from Toronto, Houston, Johannesburg  (and Toronto again!) and I STILL managed to laugh and drink and twerk my way through it, knowing that "this too shall pass."   

As for my anxiety attacks?
Turns out I've developed a reaction peanut butter. 
Stomach pains, heart palpations and hives were a result of peanuts, not stress.
Phew.

On a serious note, the Holidays can be tough.

While my real family is piecing their lives together after Alison's death last summer...my Thanksgiving family shares our pain as they have suffered similar losses, many years ago...
Still, there was laughter, singing, a beautiful prayer before dinner courtesy of Aunt Donna (on speakerphone because she was traveling) and yes, some tears too.
(Even now, after mentioning Alison, I had to step away from this computer and have a good long cry.)

Here's the thing.  Life goes on because it has to. 
There are people who are depending on us, and who need us - and we may not even meet them.
It's the reason I write this blog.

If I am lucky enough to be alive and well than I'm going to be of use and enjoy my time while I'm here.  Like Drew and I said before the family for dinner arrived last week, "It's a good Life."
Even Negative Ned came around. 
He picked up the tab for our MANY cocktails Thanksgiving Eve and managed to enjoy his night.

Just don't tell him I told you : )

Things haven't been the same

Since you came into my life

You've found a way to touch my soul

And I'm never, ever, ever gonna let it go

 

Happiness lies in your own hands

It' took me much too long to understand

How it could be

Until you shared your Secret with me

 

Something's coming over

Mmm mmm something's coming over

Mmm mmm something's coming over

Something's coming over me

My baby's got a Secret

 

~ Madonna

 

 

 



2013.

It's been a while darlings.
Three months to be exact.
A bit longer than that, actually.

I don't really have a reason or excuse for my absence...yes I'd been working a lot - but that has always been the case. 
It's hard to talk (or write) about what you feel when you're unsure of what "it" is.
If anything, I guess I'm a little disenfranchised...
Not with this blog, (or you my lovely reader) but with Life in general.

My last post took place right before Christmas...
I entered 2013 completely and totally exhausted.
Emotionally, physically, psychologically and especially spiritually.
That last part's not easy to admit.
 I mean, Life is generally "easier" if you believe God has a plan for you, isn't it?

In many ways, 2012 was 2 years in one.

The first 7 months were pure ignorant bliss...
I quoted a Jersey Shore cast member by exclaiming "Life is a holiday!"
And it was.
I breezed to Miami for my birthday, schmoozed in Hollywood, dated online, and made this blog a weekly column.

Three weeks into July, all of that changed with the sudden death of our cousin Alison. 
The grief that followed can't even be described here.  And for me it was more than grief, it was isolation as my family lives in another city. 
My year was quite literally ripped in half.

Everything that I knew to be real was gone.

I don't think I mentioned this before, but at the time of Alison's death I had begun seeing someone. 
We had spoken about becoming more serious about a week prior to that horrible news - and when I asked if he could come over, he didn't.
I haven't seen him since.
 
While modern technology has allowed me to express myself in this really cool way, I am going to say something important so please pay attention:
A text message and/or phone call will not save someone who is drowning. You have to JUMP INTO the water and get wet if you want your loved one see another day.

And to those of you who did that for me last year, thank you.
You helped bring me back to Life.

The discussion at my church tonight is about forgiveness.  I won't be going.
I'm not quite there yet.
But I am back.
And I've missed you.

Until next week...

Little Darling

I feel that ice is slowly melting

Little Darling

It seems like years since it's been clear

Here comes the sun

Here comes the sun, and I say

It's all right

~ The Beatles



Moment-um (Part 1)

Hi Loves,

Hope all is well with you during this Festive Season...it can be stressful that's for sure.
Holidays bring up all SORTS of stuff. 
Money, (or lack thereof) food (too much!) and of course, family.

This is a very tough time for my loved ones, as we continue to mourn the loss of my cousin Alison -the first Christmas without her. 
I cannot imagine what it is like for her parents and sister.
My own anger put a dark veil on life's landscape - what must their pain be like?

I shudder.
I pray.

As of December 1st I stopped using the phrase "I hate everybody." 
It's a phrase that's jokingly (or not so jokingly) been used by my friends & I for quite some time, but after Alison's passing it took a more resentful tone.  I've done enough reading and self-care to know that our words and thoughts create our future - what am I creating by "fun" anger and bitterness?

Yes of course a huge part of it is grief.

But the main reason I stopped saying "hate" is because I came to the realization that SOMEWHERE along the line I began believing that Life is a struggle and everything is so damn hard.  (And this was before Alison died.)  I have a roof over my head, I live in the greatest city in the world and most of all, I've created a life for myself.

Like my best friend said the other night on the phone "We've always questioned ourselves and taken action - we're not people who just let Life happen to them."   
Then what the hell is my bloody problem?
When did cynicism set in?

Well, I decided to go back to the book that started it all for me (over a decade ago) and re-ordered Louise L. Hay's "You Can Heal Your Life."  Even though I've read a the book a million times, I find myself really resisting her message "what you put out comes back to you."  What about the friends that let you down (or worse) the family who's not there when you need them?

What about all the evil and injustice in this world? 

Do we really attract EVERY bad experience?
(And before we hate on Louise Hay, this is a woman who was raped, had a baby in high school, beat cancer and helped AIDS patients when they had NO support from the medical community in the early 80s.)

Now in her 8th decade, she continues to tell people "It's never too late to change.  If I can do it, so can you..."

Because I ordered a recent copy of the book, it came with a DVD. 
Much like "The Secret" there are host of self-help gurus and speakers who talk passionately throughout...and even though I had it on in "the background" (while doing my nails) I cried and cried.

I don't want to become someone that only laments about what's not fair and what is difficult.
Life's too short.

It always makes me sad to see the posts from Alison's friends who say they miss her encouragement and advice when they are down.
How did she manage to encourage anyone between her hospital stays and health problems?
Perhaps even as a teen she knew that Life is what you make it no matter WHAT hand you're dealt.

Because ultimately, that's the truth.

To be continued...    

Tired of living day to day like everything's alright

Just waiting on that moment

Waiting on my moment

~ DJ Drama 

Birthday and the Beach

Helloooo...

Well my loves, as promised I'm writing from Miami.

I cannot tell you how much fun I'm having...
This birthday girl has been spoiled rotten.
(And loving every minute of it mind you)

I am so blessed.
Do you realize that everyone involved with this trip are people that I've met within the last 5 years?
I had a birthday party on Friday night (complete with cake and champagne) at the home of a couple I JUST met.
(Shout out to Tony and Jen!)

On a somber note - I've been very homesick for Cape Town.
Not only has the weather been breezier and less humid than usual for South Florida, I've been embraced by strangers and treated like family.
It's SO much like culture I come from.

Other than that, I have nothing deep to report.
No insights or major life decisions have been made on this vacation.
I've been too busy laughing.
And dancing.

When I asked if I missed New York, I quickly responded "actually I kind of forgot about it"
(Of course, one never REALLY forgets New York, it's damn year impossible)
For now though, on my last day; I'll keep enjoying the sunshine.

Like my travel companion C said the other day "Living the life that we live in NY...it's all worth it...just to sit on this balcony right now..."
True indeed...
Here's the view:

Until next week darlings...

And the weather's so breezy

Man, why can't life always be this easy?

~ Kanye West

Spring Cleaning.

Well, It's here.
My birthday week.

March 1st usually greets me JUST as I'm slipping out of my long winter's coma...
It's like God leans down and whispers:
"It's OK to come outside now - your friends want to see you...Don't worry, spring is coming like it always does."

This year it's different.
I'm heading south.
That's right darlings, a much-needed (and deserved) vacation in Florida awaits.
North Beach.  South Beach.  Fort Lauderdale.
Anywhere the wind takes me.

Naturally I'm giddy with anticipation.
Not only will I be relaxing in the sun, I'll be re-connecting with my friends who live there.
Sweet.

The lead up hasn't been easy though.
Two weeks ago I began a 'cleanse' that came with protein shakes, vitamins, and tough diet restrictions.
No alcohol, coffee, red meat, or dairy.
Four of the days days (tho not in a row) are liquids only.
Ouch.

While shedding a few pounds is a bonus for any beach vacation, it was high time for a detox.
Was red wine becoming a bad habit?
Yes.
Had it been this way for a while?
Yes.

The line between a socializing and alcoholism is a fine one in New York City, and if you work at a bar, that line doesn't exit.
It was time to check myself.

Not surprisingly, I'm hungry.
But for much more than just food.
I find myself dreaming bigger than I have in a long time.

Maybe my worst habit of all has been settling for less.
Did I mention I gave up the phrase "I can't" for Lent?
I also gave up junk food.
The best news is, not only am I feeling like my old self again - I'm starting to look that way too.

More on that later.
It's time to pack.

Until next week my loves....

This feeling can't be beat

It's coursing through my whole bod-y

Feel the heat

~ Madonna

The Party's Over.

Well Darlings,
While my last post was a look-back at the past, this one is very much rooted in the present.

It's here.
The most anti-climactic month of the year - January.
No more cookies, no more parties, no more cards.
No more crowds.
Just the hangover from it all.

Growing up in Canada, January is a BRUTAL month weather-wise.
Spring feels like miles away, as the temps drop lower and lower.
My friend C and I fondly coined the phrase "Jan in Can" while emailing one day, just to cheer each other up.

I am deep in the the throws of this melancholy, lifted only by the fact that 2011 is over.

While I evaluate where I am and where I'm going for the new year, a part of me still wants to say "Merry Christmas."
Or at least capture the feeling that comes along with saying it.

Don't get me wrong, 2012 is the "year of fun" as promised.
I'm already laughing more.
And for the life of me - I cannot keep up with the many emails thanks to an online dating site I just joined.
This should be good.

More next week.....

In my heart the fire's burnin'
Choose my color find a star
Precious people always tell me
That's a step, a step too far

~ Culture Club