Sigh.
Another day another dollar.
How it's almost the end of 2012 is beyond me.
I was saying to my mom on the phone the other night; although the year has flown by, for our family it feels like decades in some ways.
The year started with Alison still being alive, and despite her health problems, full of promise.
How quickly it can all change.
I'll never forget when my sister called that fateful July morning - I could hear the strain in her voice when she asked where I was...
"Alison was rushed to hospital" she said.
I went blank. "Ali who?"
"Our cousin."
Those of you who've had life-changing deaths (and births) will understand what I mean I say that your year gets broken up into "before" and "after" making it feel longer.
Many of you who lost homes/cars/power/loved ones during Hurricane Sandy also know what I mean.
This Thanksgiving will be bittersweet for the tri-state area, as we ALL know people who were affected by the storm.
For my family, Christmas will be heartbreaking.
But as often happens in life, storms have aftermaths that bring people together and I got lucky.
I had family friends in town, for the NY Marathon that never happened.
Was SO good to see them.
Like when I usually have visitors, I was emotional, homesick and grateful all at once.
(I also drank too much but Life is hard)
Also, after the a major loss, our family has been blessed with several births - if only to remind us that Life too, is precious.
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If you've been following this blog, you'll know that I'd been reading Bethenny Frankel's book "A Place of Yes."
I recently completed it and I must say I was impressed.
As somebody who writes about her own life, I can appreciate how tough it is to be that candid.
And she REALLY told her story - childhood trauma and all.
More than anything, it helped me to look at the positive steps I've taken in my life, while reflecting on the negative ones - and letting them go.
My cousin and I had a great talk while he was here.
Sure it was 4 in the morning and there MANY cocktails in our system, but I remember the conversation.
We talked about our own families, and he reminded me that there are those who truly feel that they CAN'T.
They can't speak up.
They can't find joy in the simple things.
They can't take a stand
They can't take that risk.
Even if it's the best possible thing for them.
Bethenny reflects on how much she enjoys motherhood in the book.
Now that she's a parent, she cannot imagine HOW her mother could leave her as a child.
But that's the hand she was dealt, and she found a way to survive.
Let's just say, I have a little more empathy towards those I feel I've been "wronged" by now.
Some people just can't seem to get out of their own way.
The trick is to not let them hold YOU back.
Constantly paying for other people because they're perpetually broke (or unwilling to get a 2nd job like I had to!) and being dragged into their dramas is a thing of the past.
Alison's death changed that for me, almost accidentally.
As a result, I spend more time on creative ventures and I don't think it's a coincidence that people are taking notice. Like another recent visitor said to me "It's amazing when you can see the shift happening."
I responded, "Ohhh the shift...I like it!"
The stars can align quickly, but in most cases (well mine anyway) it happens after years of struggling and even more years of crying.
But better a few difficult years than a lifetime of regret.
A canceled marathon didn't stop my friend from running one in Central Park (jet-lagged from Australia!)
She trained for it, and dammit, she did it.
I told her: "You got the REAL New York experience, you were told NO and found a way."
Push past the words "I can't" and see where it gets you.
Good luck darlings.
Until next week...
Why do you look so sad and forsaken?
When one door is closed, don't you know, another is open?
~ Bob Marley
