The Secret

Darlings,

Where do I begin?
It's been nearly 3 months since my last post.

I'm not going to lie, things have been rather...difficult.
Growing pains of the worst kind.
September was filled with job hunting, jobs that fell through, crippling anxiety attacks and angst towards life in general.

Its not easy to admit.
Whether it's a Funk, the Blues, or The Mean Reds, winter is more than just a season.
It's the reason I haven't written - I felt like I had nothing to say.
I was wallowing so badly that I would have been embarrassed to just sit here and complain.

That was then.

When you choose the road less traveled, as I have, you learn (quickly!) that things can change at the drop of a hat.  But it's usually preceded by a shift in attitude.
Don't get me wrong, I was going thru a spell of "bad luck" as we all do, and being away from my family only makes it harder; but indulging in self-pity is hardly the fast track to success.

I finally just said "screw this" and headed to my dusty bookshelf.  Out came Napoleon Hill's "Think & Grow Rich."  Yes ladies and gentleman, the OG of self-help books.   
I've since read several other books and would you believe EVERY single one of them (including Tony Robbins) quote Hill at some point. 

While visualizing and writing "I am a billionaire by 2015" may seem far fetched and unrealistic, it kinda beats "my life sucks!" being affirmed over and over again. 
(Truth be told, six months after watching "The Secret" in Toronto and visualizing The Empire State Building, I was back in New York, working around the corner from guess which building?)

This past Thanksgiving was spent with best friends who have become my family.
I am TRULY blessed to have them in my life, they have embraced me as if we've been together forever.
I left the city early to spend more time with them and within 10 minutes of my arrival there was wine poured and we were sitting by the fire catching up...

Not long after I arrived, another friend showed up who was MISERABLE.
I don't recall him complaining about anything in particular, just life in general, and it was awful.
Here we were vibe-ing, drinking, music-ing and all out reveling in each other's company - when this guy (we'll call him "Negative Ned") showed up and disturbed our fabulous eco-system.

Don't get me wrong; I am a VERY loyal friend.
If you need me, I'll be there, everyone who knows me knows that...and I will always listen if you need to vent, and even come up with a solution - that's what friends are for.
But if you're miserable with no aspirations other than to spread your doom around (like the friend who told me my recent job prospect probably "won't work out")  there's a reason we don't see each other as much. 

Life is hard enough as it is, Negative Ned's be damned.

And for those of you who think I'm being a hypocrite because I spent the fall luxuriating in despair, think again.  During that time I hosted guests from Toronto, Houston, Johannesburg  (and Toronto again!) and I STILL managed to laugh and drink and twerk my way through it, knowing that "this too shall pass."   

As for my anxiety attacks?
Turns out I've developed a reaction peanut butter. 
Stomach pains, heart palpations and hives were a result of peanuts, not stress.
Phew.

On a serious note, the Holidays can be tough.

While my real family is piecing their lives together after Alison's death last summer...my Thanksgiving family shares our pain as they have suffered similar losses, many years ago...
Still, there was laughter, singing, a beautiful prayer before dinner courtesy of Aunt Donna (on speakerphone because she was traveling) and yes, some tears too.
(Even now, after mentioning Alison, I had to step away from this computer and have a good long cry.)

Here's the thing.  Life goes on because it has to. 
There are people who are depending on us, and who need us - and we may not even meet them.
It's the reason I write this blog.

If I am lucky enough to be alive and well than I'm going to be of use and enjoy my time while I'm here.  Like Drew and I said before the family for dinner arrived last week, "It's a good Life."
Even Negative Ned came around. 
He picked up the tab for our MANY cocktails Thanksgiving Eve and managed to enjoy his night.

Just don't tell him I told you : )

Things haven't been the same

Since you came into my life

You've found a way to touch my soul

And I'm never, ever, ever gonna let it go

 

Happiness lies in your own hands

It' took me much too long to understand

How it could be

Until you shared your Secret with me

 

Something's coming over

Mmm mmm something's coming over

Mmm mmm something's coming over

Something's coming over me

My baby's got a Secret

 

~ Madonna

 

 

 



I'm just sayin': Native New Yorker

I'm just sayin': Native New Yorker: On September 11 2001, I was staying with my friend Jodi, in Brooklyn. While I have put most of that day, and weeks that followed out of ...

Native New Yorker

On September 11 2001, I was staying with my friend Jodi, in Brooklyn.

While I have put most of that day, and weeks that followed out of my mind (I have an excellent memory so I choose to forget) I do remember the chaos, the phones not working and speaking to family and friends around the world through MSN messenger.

There were no facebook status updates to reassure loved ones back then.
(Funny how we take that for granted now.)
I remember that I had trained as a bartender at the Marriott Hotel the week prior, in a building that came down with the towers.  (Jo was supposed to work there that day.)

With fashion week happening and a Michael Jackson special being filmed for CBS, it seemed as though EVERYBODY was in town.  (In fact, I had spent the evening of September 10 riding around in a limo with a guy claiming to be MJ's cousin!)  I came crawling home at 4-5am and just a few hours later, my cell phone (still working at the time) began ringing off the hook. 

My phone was plugged in in the living room, and I'll never forget when I stumbled out to get it, I caught a glimpse through the window and thought "What a beautiful day."
God.
I will never forget that clear dark blue sky. 
Ever.

I remember not going anywhere for days...we had food, wine, and a TV that was barely working.
My mom called and said she put money into my account so that I could book a ticket home the minute the airports were running again.
Absolutely not.

Like Jodi (originally from Pittsburgh) said, "Our parents don't think we should be here anyway, so of course they want us to leave now!  And besides, where are Native New Yorkers going to move to??"
She was right. 
They weren't leaving, and neither were we.

I don't know what brings about this New York hard-headedness.
We dig our heels in knowing it's more expensive than anywhere else, and don't get me started on the rats and roaches. 
Like my friend Kory said, "We've lived everywhere else, those places suck, and so do those people."
I died laughing.

While I have a hard time accepting that New York is becoming increasingly for the rich only, and that the artists who once flocked here will have to go somewhere more affordable (Detroit?) I will say this:
I've never been anywhere else that gives you the feeling of "anything is possible."
And it IS.

Success has just as much to do with geography as it does with hard work and connections.
That's the secret that nobody tells you.
And while I'm certainly no millionaire, struggling has never stopped me from dreaming bigger.
In fact, it's only made me work harder.

As any New Yorker will tell you; you have to have the balls to make that move in the first place - and God help you once you decide "This is where I'm staying, no matter HOW many times I'm knocked down."
I don't think I know anyone creative that hasn't expressed their art in some capacity here.

Like my bff Drew and I explained to his mom:
"Everything is easy in New York.  Except Life itself."
I believe it was fashion icon Oscar De La Renta said that, everyone who moves here, "Becomes a New Yorker eventually..."

I'd like to dedicate this blog to the "Native" New Yorkers.
The Lovers.  The Fighters.  The Dreamers.
And especially to those who lost somebody on September 11, 2001.
We're in this together.

Runnin' pretty, New York City Girl,
twenty five, thirty five 

Hello baby, New York City Girl

You grew up riding the subways, running with people

Up in Harlem, down on Broadway 

You're no tramp but you're no lady

Talkin' that street talk,

You're the heart and soul of New York City

 

And love, love is just a passing word

It's the thought you had, in a taxi cab

That got left on the curb...

When he dropped you off, at east 83rd...

 

Oh oh oh

(Oh oh oh)

You're a Native New Yorker...

~ Odyssey

I'm just sayin': Summertime Sadness

I'm just sayin': Summertime Sadness: For Alison. Hi Lovelies, I started writing this ages ago because I couldn't finish or decide on a title. Never fear, I am here. S...

Summertime Sadness

For Alison.

Hi Lovelies,

I started writing this ages ago because I couldn't finish or decide on a title.
Never fear, I am here.

Sadly, so are the dog days of summer.
Sigh.

Those of us in the Northern Hemisphere are bracing ourselves for cooler weather, shorter days, and back to school nostalgia.  I doesn't matter how old I get, I still get butterflies when I see the those "back to school" reminders - and there's a part of me that will always think of the fall as "the REAL  beginning" of  a new year.

And I suppose it is.

Summer is my favorite time of the year, but after last year's tragedy, I wondered if summer would feel the same for our family.  The end of July marked the one year anniversary of Alison's death, and the week leading up to that day was awful.  I could barely get out of bed.  All I could think of was what my cousin and his family must have been going through. 

I was overwhelmed with sadness.

According to my friend who lost her brother 11 years ago - "There is never a time it doesn't suck.  You find joys in life (she has 2 boys and a lovely husband) and you continue on, but there are days when it's just so unfair..."

Things got a bit easier (or should I say "easier") after the day itself.
Thanks (once again) to Drew I was surrounded by friends, and a one-day sleepover that lasted for days.
(I mean, if you ain't twerking, you ain't workin') 
It felt good to laugh.

Going to Miami in June was good for me because I left with a "life's a beach" attitude, and it's lasted.
Financial/job stress can ruin your life, but it can also force you deal with what is - simply because you have no other choice.  (Can't afford to get my hair done? Fine, I'll rock the curly afro mess as if I planned it that way.  Isn't that why God invented humidity after all?)

There have been many summers when I didn't see my friends as much, or get mom on the phone, because I was working all the time.  This year though, I let myself just be and decided to trust in what would happen next.  Yes, there have been job interviews and business plans, but my connections with the people I love have been the priority.

And luckily for me, more traveling.  I just got back from a weekend in Maine with my best friends who happen to be sisters.  One of which said goodbye to one decade and hello to another.  There was wine, champagne, and beer on the beach. 
Yes y'all, a woman turned 40 and rocked a mean bikini on the shores on New England.

It was an emotional time for them too. 
Like C said the night before her birthday "I never thought I'd turn 40 without my dad..."
Every family has their pain...and even when it doesn't sting as much, there are birthdays, anniversaries, and holidays.

I hope this post doesn't sound as dismal as I think it does.
Because honey, there were LOTS of laughs this summer (I would have written more blogs but was too hungover!) 

Here's to wine, champagne, SHOTS, matching manicures with my best friend's 8 year daughter, more twerk videos than our iPhones can handle, the most envious tan I've ever had, our "deep" analysis of every Madonna video ever made, my first time on a jet-ski (better than sex! Who knew?) Maine, Miami, Boston, Monroe, Philly, The Jersey Shore, Franklin Lakes and guests from Johannesburg, Toronto, and Cali.

Cheers to you, to Alison, and the 2013 Summer of Love, Lust, and Laughter.    

 

 

I think I'll miss you forever

Like the stars miss the sun in the morning skies

Late is better than never

Even if you're gone I'm gonna drive (drive, drive)

I've got that summertime, summertime sadness

~ Lana Del Rey



I'm just sayin': Teen Spirit.

I'm just sayin': Teen Spirit.: It's been a while.  Hope this blog finds you well. The other day, an account I follow on Instagram posted a pic - it was a black scre...

Teen Spirit.

It's been a while. 
Hope this blog finds you well.

The other day, an account I follow on Instagram posted a pic - it was a black screen, and along the bottom where the words;
this time,
last year,
everything was so different...

It hit me like a punch to the stomach.
Can you imagine, this time last year my cousin still had 2 daughters?
That by the end of the week, their 16 year old daughter Alison would be dead?
A lot can happen in a year.

Although I'm in another city, I too have been rebuilding my life since that horrible phone call.
Friends have come and gone, and I'm much more selective about how I spend my time and who I spend it with.  Sometimes I wonder if I've become too selective?  If, in my grief-stricken haze, I've confused my disappointment in loved ones with my anger at losing my cousin? 

Regardless, the walls I've built around myself are starting to crumble, and if I'm not careful - I'll end up falling down with them.  After all, "no man is an island" as that saying goes.  And God knows I'm not perfect either (I mean, I AM - I just think posting that would be arrogant, ha.)

Man.
Remember what 16 was like?
The friends, the boys, the girls, the laughs and oh the tears...
Whenever I feel the heaviness of adulthood, with all it's heartache, frustrations, sleepless nights, bill payments, and bullshit - I think of Alison.

I think about making an impact in my own life because hers was cut so short, and about how her spirit affected so many.  Not only did she save lives by donating her organs - thanks to the hard work of her older sister Jaclyn, she's helped raised thousands to find a cure for the disease that killed her.  (https://www.facebook.com/AlisonsArmy) 
 
It really is amazing how the death of a young person forces us to reflect.
Look at Trayvon Martin's passing.

All of a sudden, an ugly mirror is being held up and whether we like it or not we can't ignore it.
Like my friend and I said the other day, "That child did not die in vain..."
Watching his parents behave with such strength and class, (when they'd have a perfect excuse not to) gives us the courage to say, "If they can function with such poise, I can too."
Aspirational indeed.

Lately I've been having a tough time.

I've been creatively stifled, financially strapped and I stopped going to church. 
Despite all this, I've been working out a lot more and researching my next business venture.
There's something so debilitating about being in that "in between" phase isn't it? 
It's like waiting for vegetation to sprout from the soil.

Like my darling friend Cass said last night, "I love you Laur - you'll get to the next part..."
She's right.
I'll get there because I have to.
I'll get there because I have the opportunity.
And that has to count for something.

Time,

Time,

Time,

See what's become of me

While I looked around for my possibilities

 

I was so hard to please

Look around,

Leaves are brown

And the sky is a hazy shade of winter

 

Hear the Salvation Army band

Down by the riverside,

There's bound to be a better ride

Than what you've got planned

 

Carry a gun in your hand.

Look around,

Leaves are brown,

And the sky is a hazy shade of winter.

 

Hang on to your hopes my friend,

That's an easy thing to say,

But if your hopes should pass away,

Simply pretend - that you can build them again

 

Look around,

Grass is high,

Fields are ripe

IT'S THE SPRINGTIME OF MY LIFE

 

Seasons change with the scenery,

Weaving time in a tapestry,

Won't you stop and remember me?

 

~ The Bangles

(Paul Simon)