Blue Moon & the Endless Summer (Part 1)

For Cass, Shmi, C & Drew. 

It all started last month when Cass came to visit.

There is something about seeing friends that know you from another life...
By that I mean, people that knew me before I became a Certified New Yorker.
Friends you can put in the "I've-known-them-for-decades" category.
(I know what you're thinking - but she looks so YOUNG!)

After 5 heavy weeks of grief and isolation, here was a longtime friend from home gently pulling me out, whether she knew it or not.  When I tearfully told her about friends who had abandoned me after Alison's death, she told me about the past year living abroad with her daughters, where they had NOBODY. "I had to be strong and stay focused." She said, "Sure my feelings we hurt.  I thought they were my real friends."

I cannot tell you how much that story affected me.
I mean, of course still I'm sensitive and emotional.  I lost 2 family members this summer.
Sadness is one thing, but grief mixed with anger and resentment is cocktail that eventually leaves a bad aftertaste.
And if Cass could use her pain to propel her forward, so could I.

Next stop: Boston and Maine.
Boston may be considered a "sleepy" town, but honey, I got none while I was there!
When Shmi and Shmore (her nickname for me) are reunited, there's champagne, wine, and PLENTY of male attention.

We had a blast.
What's funny is that Shmi and I each remember different parts of the night so it's good that we're able to keep the memories alive!
We then packed our things (and our hangovers) and headed to Scarborough Maine, where Shmi's kids and sister C were waiting.

Magical.

The beach, the cozy house we stayed in, (above C's husband's restaurant) the smiles on the kids faces when we went to the fair.
THE PIZZA.
(Not to mention the many many bottles of wine put into recycling each morning)

It was so nice to just be.

Isn't it always easiest to do that with people who've known you forever?
While browsing through a gift shop I came across a bottle of wine called "The Beach House," I smiled as it was so fitting for where I was at the time.
I looked at the label.  South African.

I decided to extend my stay.

Hurricane Irene may have robbed C and I of our visit last summer but we made sure it wasn't ruined this time.  It was my first time seeing her since her father's death a year ago.
She was very understanding at my display of emotion when talking about the injustice of losing a cousin so young.
"Let it out," she said "It's good for you, it's grief."

The tears are still there to this day.
But I can't take away what time with "friends from home" did for me as I closed out a summer that changed my family forever.
It gave me a sense of peace that is hard to explain.

The added bonus to prolonging my trip?
I got to head back to Boston to meet up with Drew's crew, the blue moon, and the hot guy with the motorcycle...

To be continued...

Blue Moon 

You knew just what I was there for

You heard me saying a prayer for

Someone I really could care for

~ Billie Holiday  

(and many others)

  

The Mourning After. Again.

I wasn't able to make it home for Alison's funeral.

It's a long story but my cousin understood as we have family members around the world who could not be there.
Our hearts were so heavy.

For the first time, I believe that my family understood what it's like to be me.
To love so much, but to be far away.
And more importantly - the sheer agony of grieving alone.

Thankfully, I wasn't physically alone.
That weekend, my "bestie" Drew hosted me at his house upstate and took such good care of me.
He has no idea how much he helped.

My dear friend C (who lost her father a year ago) sent me a beautiful card.
She told me that there was a "grace to grieving" and reminded me of the importance of "letting grief in."
She spoke of taking those times of solitude if need be, and to spend some time in nature.

Well.
Yesterday I did just that.
Summer is my favorite season, and on a last minute decision - made plans to go to the beach.
Ah the healing powers of the ocean...it speaks to us you know?

It was there that I received more sad news.

My great aunt passed away in Cape Town.
She had been ill, but not for too long, thank God.
I had to remove myself from the beach blanket and inform my parents...it wasn't easy.

Auntie Naomi.
She was sooo lovely.
So charming, so like her sister, (my late grandmother) and had such affection for us kids.
When my mom last saw her only a few months ago, she asked about me.
"How's my girlie?  Send her my love."

Naturally, I'm in tears again.
Alone.  (Again)

I have been pleasantly surprised by my (newer) friends, who have constantly checked in; a quick text, lunch, phone call, anything.  Unfortunately, some of my "best friends" have really let me down and it breaks my heart.

I get it, death makes people uncomfortable - but excuses ain't bringing my loved ones back.  And for God's sake, we're grown.
(If I take your tearful phone calls in the middle of the night, you can surely take mine.)

It's amazing how through the fog of mourning - we begin to see clearly.
But more on that later.

While saddened, we can take solace in knowing that Auntie Naomi is with her siblings now, laughing away in Heaven, talking about the good 'ol days.
At 87, she lived a good life.

But how do we move forward after losing Alison?
She was only 16 years old.
Most of the shock is gone...and now the sadness really begins.
I cry every night - and for the first time in my life, I truly hate being alone.

My sister said it best:
"People don't understand just how close our family is.."
She's right.

Last night, my 9-year-old nephew who was overwhelmed by all the sad news and asked to call me.
We talked for an hour.
We talked about Life, death, soccer, school, his mean teacher, the Empire State Building, the Olympics,  more soccer, cats vs dogs, the Blue Jays and video games.
(Did I forget anything??)

He later told my mom about the call.
"Granny...I just had the most EPIC conversation with Auntie!  The best phone call of my life!"
Mine too.
Mine too.

I'm thinking of you Lyn.
-xo-

I've  seen lonely times when I could not find a friend

But I always thought that I'd see you, baby, one more time again.

~ James Taylor