A Place of Yes

It is better to look ahead and prepare than to look back and regret 

~ Jackie Joyner-Kersee

Sup,

I am currently reading "A Place of Yes - 10 Rules for getting everything you want out of life" by Bethenny Frankel.  I already knew who Bethenny was but had never watched any of her shows. (Surprising since I watch other cities from the "Real Housewives" franchise, I just never got around to New York - and I live here!)

About a year ago, my friend Matt (aka Dr. Feelgood) told me that Bethenny was the biggest "winner" of all the reality TV stars with the her Skinny Girl Cocktails.  REALLY?  How could I have missed this?  (That's the thing about being a New Yorker - the Pope could be standing in front of you and you'd be too busy texting or hailing a cab to notice.)

I came across her show "Bethenny Ever After" earlier this year by accident, and could not look away.

I totally see why she got her own spin-off series, she's hilarious.  You can tell that she's being herself - even if it is hammed up for TV.  (Say what you want about the Kardashians, they're playing themselves so well that you can't help but watch.  Of course, famous husbands/boyfriends/step-dads don't hurt either)

On her new talk show, Bethenny featured a guest who changed her life thanks to "A Place of Yes" so I thought I'd give it a shot too.

My sister and I were going to read the book together.  But conflicting schedules and different cities make it difficult to talk as much.  And if I've learned one thing from the school-of-hard-knocks - it's never wait on somebody else when YOU are ready to move forward with your life.  (Or in my case, always impatient to move forward!)

I included the quote at the top of this post because I always felt that not preparing better was my main regret in life.  But can you really plan when you are creating a life in "unknown" territory?  When my parents decided to leave Cape Town and relocate us to Toronto - they never thought that one day apartheid would end.  All they knew was that there are better opportunities for us and our family NOW, so they hit the road praying that it would all work out.

And it did.

I studied acting and film production in school - if that's not a career path of unpredictability, I don't know what is.  It's not like I studied law with dreams of becoming a politician or a judge.  (God I could never stay in school that long!)  All I REALLY wanted to do was become a grown up and work.  (I mean, I'm sure when my parents immigrated they had hoped for a lawyer in the family, but at the very least, they set us up so that we could decide for ourselves.) 

Which brings me back to Bethheny. 

While I'm still in the beginning stages of the book (chapter # 3 "Act on it") I've decided to cut myself some slack for not having everything so "mapped out" and prepared in my life.  I am where I am today because when things fell apart, I kept moving forward. 
Because I had to.

There is something to be said for being a risk taker and going it alone.  I have always admired people like that, and so I became one.  (Of course, anyone that "makes it" in life never REALLY did it alone.
I've had bosses that gave me a shot and multiple loans from my parents to be thankful for.)  Like my cousin Hamilton said to me when I left Toronto for New York, "All you're doing is exactly what our parents did.  You moved somewhere for a better opportunity."

He's right.

If I hadn't struggled early, I wouldn't have had the courage to risk struggling again for a more fulfilling present and future.  I may not be sitting on a pile of cash (yet) but I have 3 projects on the go and have a friend designing my logo for blackcatbaby.com (thanks Jill!) launching next year.

While I still cry all the time for my cousin Alison who died too soon, I am using my creative endeavours to honor her memory. 
Because I want to. 

Until next week...

And when my life is over

Remember we were together

We were alone and I was singing this song for you

~ Donny Hathaway/Amy Winehouse



  



  



 

The Mourning After. Again.

I wasn't able to make it home for Alison's funeral.

It's a long story but my cousin understood as we have family members around the world who could not be there.
Our hearts were so heavy.

For the first time, I believe that my family understood what it's like to be me.
To love so much, but to be far away.
And more importantly - the sheer agony of grieving alone.

Thankfully, I wasn't physically alone.
That weekend, my "bestie" Drew hosted me at his house upstate and took such good care of me.
He has no idea how much he helped.

My dear friend C (who lost her father a year ago) sent me a beautiful card.
She told me that there was a "grace to grieving" and reminded me of the importance of "letting grief in."
She spoke of taking those times of solitude if need be, and to spend some time in nature.

Well.
Yesterday I did just that.
Summer is my favorite season, and on a last minute decision - made plans to go to the beach.
Ah the healing powers of the ocean...it speaks to us you know?

It was there that I received more sad news.

My great aunt passed away in Cape Town.
She had been ill, but not for too long, thank God.
I had to remove myself from the beach blanket and inform my parents...it wasn't easy.

Auntie Naomi.
She was sooo lovely.
So charming, so like her sister, (my late grandmother) and had such affection for us kids.
When my mom last saw her only a few months ago, she asked about me.
"How's my girlie?  Send her my love."

Naturally, I'm in tears again.
Alone.  (Again)

I have been pleasantly surprised by my (newer) friends, who have constantly checked in; a quick text, lunch, phone call, anything.  Unfortunately, some of my "best friends" have really let me down and it breaks my heart.

I get it, death makes people uncomfortable - but excuses ain't bringing my loved ones back.  And for God's sake, we're grown.
(If I take your tearful phone calls in the middle of the night, you can surely take mine.)

It's amazing how through the fog of mourning - we begin to see clearly.
But more on that later.

While saddened, we can take solace in knowing that Auntie Naomi is with her siblings now, laughing away in Heaven, talking about the good 'ol days.
At 87, she lived a good life.

But how do we move forward after losing Alison?
She was only 16 years old.
Most of the shock is gone...and now the sadness really begins.
I cry every night - and for the first time in my life, I truly hate being alone.

My sister said it best:
"People don't understand just how close our family is.."
She's right.

Last night, my 9-year-old nephew who was overwhelmed by all the sad news and asked to call me.
We talked for an hour.
We talked about Life, death, soccer, school, his mean teacher, the Empire State Building, the Olympics,  more soccer, cats vs dogs, the Blue Jays and video games.
(Did I forget anything??)

He later told my mom about the call.
"Granny...I just had the most EPIC conversation with Auntie!  The best phone call of my life!"
Mine too.
Mine too.

I'm thinking of you Lyn.
-xo-

I've  seen lonely times when I could not find a friend

But I always thought that I'd see you, baby, one more time again.

~ James Taylor

Birthday and the Beach

Helloooo...

Well my loves, as promised I'm writing from Miami.

I cannot tell you how much fun I'm having...
This birthday girl has been spoiled rotten.
(And loving every minute of it mind you)

I am so blessed.
Do you realize that everyone involved with this trip are people that I've met within the last 5 years?
I had a birthday party on Friday night (complete with cake and champagne) at the home of a couple I JUST met.
(Shout out to Tony and Jen!)

On a somber note - I've been very homesick for Cape Town.
Not only has the weather been breezier and less humid than usual for South Florida, I've been embraced by strangers and treated like family.
It's SO much like culture I come from.

Other than that, I have nothing deep to report.
No insights or major life decisions have been made on this vacation.
I've been too busy laughing.
And dancing.

When I asked if I missed New York, I quickly responded "actually I kind of forgot about it"
(Of course, one never REALLY forgets New York, it's damn year impossible)
For now though, on my last day; I'll keep enjoying the sunshine.

Like my travel companion C said the other day "Living the life that we live in NY...it's all worth it...just to sit on this balcony right now..."
True indeed...
Here's the view:

Until next week darlings...

And the weather's so breezy

Man, why can't life always be this easy?

~ Kanye West

Modern Family

Hi Guys!

I'm here in my post-Superbowl-champagne-haze glory.
(Barely.)

February brings with it a lot more than championship football.
Yup, it's that time of year again folks: Valentine's Day.
(Or as Bill Maher calls it "The holiday designed to make single people feel like shit.")

While I've been mating and dating all over Gotham City since the new year began, I'll be spending the night of the 14th with my best gay boyfriend, Drew. 
I've spent Christmases and Thanksgiving with him and his family. 
Everyone is welcome, everyone has fun.

I remember hearing Candace Bushnell (author of Sex & The City) speak when I was still living in Toronto.  During the question and answer period, a woman asked the writer why we didn't see main character's family on the show.

Having lived in NY before, I knew what Bushnell was going to say:
"The show is about Carrie Bradshaw and her friends...when you move to New York City, your friends become your family."
Ain't that the truth.

When we immigrated from Cape Town to Toronto all those years ago, a huge community awaited us (even at the airport!) making a difficult transition that much easier.
While many people follow jobs and spouses to the Big Apple, most of us come here alone.
And unless you've done it, you will never know how tough it really is.

Everything you feel is amplified when you're out of your comfort zone. 
Joy, pain, pleasure, and of course, loneliness.
The best part of vulnerability I suppose - is that it forces you to open your heart and let new people in.

I didn't go the "traditional" route of getting married and having children.
And I may never.  Who knows?
But I absolutely have a family - that I created all by myself. 

It's my proudest New York accomplishment so far.

If you let me, here's what I'll do

I'll take care of you

~Rihanna & Drake