Moment-um (Part 1)

Hi Loves,

Hope all is well with you during this Festive Season...it can be stressful that's for sure.
Holidays bring up all SORTS of stuff. 
Money, (or lack thereof) food (too much!) and of course, family.

This is a very tough time for my loved ones, as we continue to mourn the loss of my cousin Alison -the first Christmas without her. 
I cannot imagine what it is like for her parents and sister.
My own anger put a dark veil on life's landscape - what must their pain be like?

I shudder.
I pray.

As of December 1st I stopped using the phrase "I hate everybody." 
It's a phrase that's jokingly (or not so jokingly) been used by my friends & I for quite some time, but after Alison's passing it took a more resentful tone.  I've done enough reading and self-care to know that our words and thoughts create our future - what am I creating by "fun" anger and bitterness?

Yes of course a huge part of it is grief.

But the main reason I stopped saying "hate" is because I came to the realization that SOMEWHERE along the line I began believing that Life is a struggle and everything is so damn hard.  (And this was before Alison died.)  I have a roof over my head, I live in the greatest city in the world and most of all, I've created a life for myself.

Like my best friend said the other night on the phone "We've always questioned ourselves and taken action - we're not people who just let Life happen to them."   
Then what the hell is my bloody problem?
When did cynicism set in?

Well, I decided to go back to the book that started it all for me (over a decade ago) and re-ordered Louise L. Hay's "You Can Heal Your Life."  Even though I've read a the book a million times, I find myself really resisting her message "what you put out comes back to you."  What about the friends that let you down (or worse) the family who's not there when you need them?

What about all the evil and injustice in this world? 

Do we really attract EVERY bad experience?
(And before we hate on Louise Hay, this is a woman who was raped, had a baby in high school, beat cancer and helped AIDS patients when they had NO support from the medical community in the early 80s.)

Now in her 8th decade, she continues to tell people "It's never too late to change.  If I can do it, so can you..."

Because I ordered a recent copy of the book, it came with a DVD. 
Much like "The Secret" there are host of self-help gurus and speakers who talk passionately throughout...and even though I had it on in "the background" (while doing my nails) I cried and cried.

I don't want to become someone that only laments about what's not fair and what is difficult.
Life's too short.

It always makes me sad to see the posts from Alison's friends who say they miss her encouragement and advice when they are down.
How did she manage to encourage anyone between her hospital stays and health problems?
Perhaps even as a teen she knew that Life is what you make it no matter WHAT hand you're dealt.

Because ultimately, that's the truth.

To be continued...    

Tired of living day to day like everything's alright

Just waiting on that moment

Waiting on my moment

~ DJ Drama 

Yes. No. Sandy.

Well here we are.
It's almost 3pm and I am sipping my first coffee.
I have a sore throat, and Starbucks is packed as the kids are off school till next week.

All of this is a minuscule price to pay to be alive, well, and unlike most of my friends; HAVE ELECTRICITY.
Hurricane Sandy has come and gone I cannot believe how fortunate I am.
To say that I'm grateful is an understatement.

My cousin crashed with me for a couple of days and we had a blast...
(His building lobby flooded and they too lost their power)
We ate, drank, laughed and rented (what else) "The Perfect Storm."
He later exclaimed "who knew they could predict Sandy 20 years in advance?!"

In mere weeks I'll be losing him for good when he returns to South Africa after 6 years in New York.
I cannot believe how time flies (or that we weathered 2 hurricanes together!)
I'm so sad at the thought.
The value of family only increases the older I get.

After he left yesterday, I walked over 40 blocks to the office so that I can get my work laptop - and lug it back home.
The streets barely looked like it was Halloween, and this is in Manhattan.
Poor kids.
Poor everyone.

After a few hours of work I reopened my book "A Place of Yes" by Bethenny Frankel.
I gotta say, it's nice to read a little inspiration when you're feeling down, stuck, and emotional.
Sometimes all you do is LITERALLY wait out the storm and fight like hell to keep from having a melt down.

As I was just texting my dear friend (named Sandy) "You are on the right path and things WILL get better - this is just where you are right now...and you have a right to be depressed - you're going through a tough time!"
Wallowing has it's place.
We've all been there.

Then there are those times when you re-build, take stock, and count your blessings.
And that's where I'm at.
Chin up darlings.

Until next week,

Life is bare, gloom and misery everywhere

Stormy weather

Just can't get my poor self together

I'm weary all the time.

~ Billie Holiday

The Mourning After. Again.

I wasn't able to make it home for Alison's funeral.

It's a long story but my cousin understood as we have family members around the world who could not be there.
Our hearts were so heavy.

For the first time, I believe that my family understood what it's like to be me.
To love so much, but to be far away.
And more importantly - the sheer agony of grieving alone.

Thankfully, I wasn't physically alone.
That weekend, my "bestie" Drew hosted me at his house upstate and took such good care of me.
He has no idea how much he helped.

My dear friend C (who lost her father a year ago) sent me a beautiful card.
She told me that there was a "grace to grieving" and reminded me of the importance of "letting grief in."
She spoke of taking those times of solitude if need be, and to spend some time in nature.

Well.
Yesterday I did just that.
Summer is my favorite season, and on a last minute decision - made plans to go to the beach.
Ah the healing powers of the ocean...it speaks to us you know?

It was there that I received more sad news.

My great aunt passed away in Cape Town.
She had been ill, but not for too long, thank God.
I had to remove myself from the beach blanket and inform my parents...it wasn't easy.

Auntie Naomi.
She was sooo lovely.
So charming, so like her sister, (my late grandmother) and had such affection for us kids.
When my mom last saw her only a few months ago, she asked about me.
"How's my girlie?  Send her my love."

Naturally, I'm in tears again.
Alone.  (Again)

I have been pleasantly surprised by my (newer) friends, who have constantly checked in; a quick text, lunch, phone call, anything.  Unfortunately, some of my "best friends" have really let me down and it breaks my heart.

I get it, death makes people uncomfortable - but excuses ain't bringing my loved ones back.  And for God's sake, we're grown.
(If I take your tearful phone calls in the middle of the night, you can surely take mine.)

It's amazing how through the fog of mourning - we begin to see clearly.
But more on that later.

While saddened, we can take solace in knowing that Auntie Naomi is with her siblings now, laughing away in Heaven, talking about the good 'ol days.
At 87, she lived a good life.

But how do we move forward after losing Alison?
She was only 16 years old.
Most of the shock is gone...and now the sadness really begins.
I cry every night - and for the first time in my life, I truly hate being alone.

My sister said it best:
"People don't understand just how close our family is.."
She's right.

Last night, my 9-year-old nephew who was overwhelmed by all the sad news and asked to call me.
We talked for an hour.
We talked about Life, death, soccer, school, his mean teacher, the Empire State Building, the Olympics,  more soccer, cats vs dogs, the Blue Jays and video games.
(Did I forget anything??)

He later told my mom about the call.
"Granny...I just had the most EPIC conversation with Auntie!  The best phone call of my life!"
Mine too.
Mine too.

I'm thinking of you Lyn.
-xo-

I've  seen lonely times when I could not find a friend

But I always thought that I'd see you, baby, one more time again.

~ James Taylor

Careless Whisper

Hi Darlings,

Wanna know how fast New York City is?
My last blog post was only seven days ago - and I'm trying to think of which man, (or men) I was upset with!

I suppose that's why I love it here so much.  

No matter how tough it gets...there really isn't time to sit around moping, there's too much to do!

Which inspires me to make this public service announcement:

To those of you who've known me a long time, please don't think that I lack empathy when it comes to your problems and life's dramas.  It's just that I put myself in a city and situation that doesn't work when sitting around wallowing. It's a struggle EVERY day to look up and stay positive, and I'm doing it on my own.  I take FULL responsibility for the choices I've made.  

It's not easy, I just make it look that way.

Having said all that - I wouldn't have it any other way.

All the tears shed in 2011 has made 2012 so much sweeter. 

I see why it's important to count your blessings, because trust me, I'm grateful.    

The disappointments and heartache of one minute - can lead sweet appreciation the next.

Or it can harden your soul to the core.

As my dear friend K reminded the other day, it's a GOOD thing I've been let down by so many people (ha!) because as I result I've developed a "devil-may-care" attitude.

Oh how I love that saying...

If "Is That All There Is" is my theme song for 2012 - then honey, "Devil-may-care" is my phrase.

Definition: "Cheerfully Irresponsible," "Happy-go-lucky" and my personal favorite, "Careless with his money."

I woke up this morning thinking about how this is the most "stable" I've been in a long time.  Certainly since I've lived here.  

Don't get me wrong I'm not complacent, nor will I ever be - I'm far too ambitious for that.

Is this why they say it takes "years" to become an overnight success?

With my theme song and motto in tact, you could say it took years to become Holly Golightly!

Audrey Hepburn's portrayal of Holly in "Breakfast At Tiffany's" changed my life.

(I mean, how could I NOT want to live in Manhattan after seeing that?)

There she was, a beautiful woman who kept her wits about her despite bad dates and poor choices.

She refused to receive news about being dumped until she had her lipstick on (sound familiar?)

But that's not why I got Holly.

I related to her loneliness and vulnerability.

She moved to New York and became someone else in order to survive.

With her small frame and lipsticked smile, you'd never know the strength that lied within.

In short, she made it look easy.

Until next week lovelies...

And this the life we chose 

Working all night 

Swear I'm never going broke

And  I'm-a  do this till I die

And I ain't talkin' sh*t

Just 'cause  I'm, just 'cause I'm...

(I'm high)

~ Chris Brown

 

   

  

Street Life.

"I still hang around neither lost nor found
Hear the lonely sound of music in the night
Nights are always bright
That's all that's left for me, yeah"

The above lyrics by song writer Joe Sample (of The Crusaders) were inspired while being on a beginner's ski slope at Mammoth Mountain, California. 
He said:
 "I saw people falling, running into each other... it was absolute chaos. It looked like a boulevard of madness. And I said, That's what 'Street Life' is."

Well Darlings,

I gotta tell you - writing while you're preparing for vacation (or better yet, while you're ON vacation) is much easier than doing it when you come back.
The birthday "high" is beginning to fade.
Thankfully I have daylight savings and spring-time temps keep my spirits up.

I was overwhelmed by the amount of well-wishes I received last week from friends and family.
I got one message from my cousin who was so sweet and encouraging but I found myself slightly defensive.
She said she'd heard I was "living the life" and exclaimed "that's the way life should be."

I play the Street Life because there's no place I can go
Street Life, it's the only Life I know

I just remember thinking "God if you only knew!"
It's easy to feel like life's a beach when you're ON the beach.
It's quite another to be slinging drinks at a bar for 15 hours, just to survive in New York City.
I take that back.
To THRIVE in New York City.

Street Life - and there's a thousand parts to play
Street Life - until you play your Life away

Nobody wants to hear about the tough breaks and the struggles - and nobody sees the tears...God knows there are plenty of them.
I think it was Janet Jackson who said that nobody wants to hear her complaining.
(This is a woman who lived her entire career in her brother's shadow - and then he DIED)

Anyway my point is this.
My cousin is RIGHT.
I am living the life. 
I celebrated my birthday the entire time I was in Miami, then had an EPIC celebration the day after I returned.  (From what I remember anyway)

 You let the people see just who you wanna be
And every night you shine, just like a superstar

Yes of course it's a hustle.
Like Samantha Jones famously said on Sex & the City:
"A homeless man just showed me his DICK on the way here!  It doesn't get any realer than that!"
True indeed.

What's also true is that the struggle makes us stronger. 
We're all in it together so friendship bonds can form quickly.
And they have.
And it's fabulous.

Three months in and 2012 has already kicked 2011's ass.
May the "Champagne Campaign" continue.
Until next week...

That's how the Life is played - a tempting masquerade

You dress, you walk, you talk

You're who you think you are

 ~ The Crusaders

 







 

Birthday and the Beach

Helloooo...

Well my loves, as promised I'm writing from Miami.

I cannot tell you how much fun I'm having...
This birthday girl has been spoiled rotten.
(And loving every minute of it mind you)

I am so blessed.
Do you realize that everyone involved with this trip are people that I've met within the last 5 years?
I had a birthday party on Friday night (complete with cake and champagne) at the home of a couple I JUST met.
(Shout out to Tony and Jen!)

On a somber note - I've been very homesick for Cape Town.
Not only has the weather been breezier and less humid than usual for South Florida, I've been embraced by strangers and treated like family.
It's SO much like culture I come from.

Other than that, I have nothing deep to report.
No insights or major life decisions have been made on this vacation.
I've been too busy laughing.
And dancing.

When I asked if I missed New York, I quickly responded "actually I kind of forgot about it"
(Of course, one never REALLY forgets New York, it's damn year impossible)
For now though, on my last day; I'll keep enjoying the sunshine.

Like my travel companion C said the other day "Living the life that we live in NY...it's all worth it...just to sit on this balcony right now..."
True indeed...
Here's the view:

Until next week darlings...

And the weather's so breezy

Man, why can't life always be this easy?

~ Kanye West