There is this nagging feeling that something needs to change.
If you've been following this blog over the last few months than you know something already has. Our family suffered a devastating loss and we are all still recovering from it.
Or at least trying to.
I've come to the conclusion that there is no making "sense" of the fact that my cousin lost his beautiful daughter - or that she was chosen to suffer from an illness the last 5 years of her life.
I do know that it makes me sad.
And I doubt that there will come a time when it won't.
In my own life, I feel "stuck" emotionally and physically.
I twisted my ankle recently and am unable to exercise...between that and 'grief eating' the weight gain is noticeable. It's just where I'm at right now.
I make no excuses.
I once read that when we don't want to be vulnerable, we will 'develop' a layer of fat to protect ourselves from being hurt.
Interesting.
Before Alison passed away, 2012 was on it's way to becoming one of the best years ever.
I was traveling, dating, drinking, dancing.
I'm almost embarrassed by my blogs prior to that fateful phone call.
But that's how it was then - and at the very least, I was making the most of my life.
Or so I thought.
I've realized something; somewhere along the way I stopped Dreaming Big.
What happened to my ambition?
Did it get lost in day-to-day life?
I was never "just" a dreamer.
I always to managed to somehow forge ahead and walk the talk.
(That's why the extra pounds ain't bothering me, I'll lose it, watch me.)
I remember when an old friend (also named Alison) counted the qualities in her friends that she most admired - mine was loyalty and ambition.
The problem is that loyalty always came first - and I spent much of my life trying to rescue people who couldn't even help themselves. Or didn't want to.
As a result, my own needs were swallowed.
My NY Mom, Deb, said it best;
"If I were to die, you would take the day off work to come to my funeral - but you can't be there for me when I'm alive?"
Bingo.
In many ways, I'm not only mourning a loss, I'm mourning the old Me.
And the people that I used to know.
It's not about being cold and callus.
It's about being clear.
Or, as an email sent to me by my real mom said; surrounding yourself with "those who add and multiply making you more than you are - not those who subtract and divide, thereby devaluing you."
SIGH.
I was messaging with my cousin Kiana the other night and it was such an important conversation for us both. I don't know HOW her and her sister have managed to hold it together in the wake of Alison's death, but they have. She told me that Alison wanted to become a social worker. Through my tears, I replied, "She IS a social worker. She brought the family closer together, and in a strange way has us reevaluating our own lives as we know it."
It's true.
Some decisions have to be made - I can't avoid them forever.
In the meantime, I'll allow myself time to heal.
Physically and emotionally.
Until next week -xo-
Lady picture show
She hides behind the bedroom door
Lady picture show
She hides behind the bedroom wall
She hides because she don't know nothin'
Don't know nothin' anymore
She keeps a funny face it's locked and bagged
It's just outside the door
She doesn't know her name
She doesn't know her face
She doesn't know her name
She doesn't know her face
~ Stone Temple Pilots
