Sexes & The City.

I would rather be a beggar and single than married and Queen.

~ Queen Elizabeth 1533-1603 (aka the Virgin Queen) 

Lovelies Hello!

My apologies for the 2 week blog break.

It was not my intention but work as has been hectic.

More than anything tho, I was taking a break from myself.

You know when you're going through the motions, eating whatever and not working out?

That's pretty much what I've been doing - and working 6-7 days a week. 

I always view it like I'm "skimming the surface" so-to-speak, no writing or deep thought, just getting through it.

In doing so, I came across an article by Rebecca Traister in June's Marie Claire magazine - called "Love and the Single Girl."  In it, Traister talks about the rise of the unmarried woman.  Single women have been getting a lot of press lately.  Some good, some bad, some political.  But for most us, it's just life as usual.

http://www.marieclaire.com/sex-love/single-girl-trend?click=main_sr

For those of you who follow this blog - you are aware of the bad dates, the 'champagne campaigns,' and of course The Miami.  I make no claims of singlehood being easy, nor do I hide the fact that (for the most part) I'm having the time of my life.  JUST when I start to feel "amiss" as to why I can't seem to "settle down already" an article like this comes along and makes it all better.

Or does it?

I believe it was my last blog (or was it the one before?) I had mentioned my crush on a certain football player that gave me butterflies for the first time in ages...

Well, that son-of-a-bitch stood me up recently (no explanation, no apology) and I cut him off.  Was I too harsh?  Or was I smart enough to know that forgiving him would have set the stage for future disappointment?  More than likely, the latter.

I say this because, it came to my attention recently that not one, but TWO close friends had been in near-violent altercations with their (now ex) boyfriends.  I was horrified.  I know in both situations these men had showed ugly sides of themselves before, and still my friends stayed.

Not only are these women smart and beautiful (and career driven, and independent) they are also what I consider my "free-spirit" friends.  You know, the people that you go to when you need to be encouraged but still offer advice deeply rooted in reality?  I don't think I even need to tell you that they 'knew better' than to be treated like this.  

Both come from loving homes with good fathers.  Like the wise women they are, they are moving forward like champions.  They are survivors.      

I can give many MANY more examples of poor treatment and settling that have been done by all of us, God knows I've made some mistakes.  But I was smart enough not to marry it.  (Thankfully so were they.)

Flirting with Danger is fun, I've done it.  It keeps life interesting.

Hell, even sex with Danger is a thrill - but I ain't making a life with him, or putting up with his abusive bullshit.

I've been through too much to lower my standards now.

I'd like to thank Marie Claire and Rebecca Traister for an article that made me feel like I'm part of a movement rooted in independence and self-worth.  It's much better than "spinster" and "selfish."  Like my friend and acting teacher Richard McKenna told me years ago "it's just as important to know what you DON'T want as it is to know what you do."

If I know that I don't want to be with someone who makes me feel guilty for being who I am, or (FOR FUCK'S SAKE) threatens to hit me - then so be it.  

If this post is longer and more serious in tone that the others it's because I'm aware of how many YOUNG women are reading.

And I take that position seriously. 

I owe it to you girls - but most importantly, you owe it to yourselves.

I worked hard and sacrificed to get what I get

Ladies it ain't easy being independent

~ Destiny's Child

Broken Telephone.

Darlings.

Well it's rainy, I'm miserable, and I have a happy couple making out in front of me, yippee!
The good news: there's coffee, biscotti, and God has decided to bless me with weather to match my mood.
Phew.

But I digress....

Don't you just HATE it when you're sitting by the phone waiting for a guy to call or text?
It's the absolute worst.
WORST.
A professional athlete at that.
Honestly, what was I thinking??

Lord knows I've been down this road before.
For SOME reason - be it basketball, baseball and (especially lately) football...athletes love the black cat...and I can shamefully say, I love them right back.
(Well, I least I switch the sports up - actress Alyssa Milano was apparently a serial dater of major league pitchers)

Whether I want to admit to myself or not, a certain wide receiver has caught my attention.
I sulked miserably when I hadn't heard from him.
(Turns out, he had been hospitalized - no joke!)
And of course, he eventually did call.

Always ready to turn a negative to a positive, I reached out to people I hadn't talked to in ages.
Friends, family, my sister.
You know, the essentials.
It "levels" me out so-to-speak...
(Like longing for my loved ones replaces the vulnerability that comes with meeting someone new, if that's possible.)

Oh how I'd missed them.  Still do.

Look who knows what's going to happen with me and (ahem) "Mr. Player," but as my best friend reminded me - "isn't it nice to know you can still feel like that for someone?"  I had to agree.
I'm not wasting my time on dates that go nowhere anymore.
My time is too valuable.

I'd much rather be available for the people I love the most.
Including me.

Until next week...

Well sometimes I go out by myself

And I look across the water

And I think of all the things, what you're doing

And  in my head I paint a picture

~ Amy Winehouse

Careless Whisper

Hi Darlings,

Wanna know how fast New York City is?
My last blog post was only seven days ago - and I'm trying to think of which man, (or men) I was upset with!

I suppose that's why I love it here so much.  

No matter how tough it gets...there really isn't time to sit around moping, there's too much to do!

Which inspires me to make this public service announcement:

To those of you who've known me a long time, please don't think that I lack empathy when it comes to your problems and life's dramas.  It's just that I put myself in a city and situation that doesn't work when sitting around wallowing. It's a struggle EVERY day to look up and stay positive, and I'm doing it on my own.  I take FULL responsibility for the choices I've made.  

It's not easy, I just make it look that way.

Having said all that - I wouldn't have it any other way.

All the tears shed in 2011 has made 2012 so much sweeter. 

I see why it's important to count your blessings, because trust me, I'm grateful.    

The disappointments and heartache of one minute - can lead sweet appreciation the next.

Or it can harden your soul to the core.

As my dear friend K reminded the other day, it's a GOOD thing I've been let down by so many people (ha!) because as I result I've developed a "devil-may-care" attitude.

Oh how I love that saying...

If "Is That All There Is" is my theme song for 2012 - then honey, "Devil-may-care" is my phrase.

Definition: "Cheerfully Irresponsible," "Happy-go-lucky" and my personal favorite, "Careless with his money."

I woke up this morning thinking about how this is the most "stable" I've been in a long time.  Certainly since I've lived here.  

Don't get me wrong I'm not complacent, nor will I ever be - I'm far too ambitious for that.

Is this why they say it takes "years" to become an overnight success?

With my theme song and motto in tact, you could say it took years to become Holly Golightly!

Audrey Hepburn's portrayal of Holly in "Breakfast At Tiffany's" changed my life.

(I mean, how could I NOT want to live in Manhattan after seeing that?)

There she was, a beautiful woman who kept her wits about her despite bad dates and poor choices.

She refused to receive news about being dumped until she had her lipstick on (sound familiar?)

But that's not why I got Holly.

I related to her loneliness and vulnerability.

She moved to New York and became someone else in order to survive.

With her small frame and lipsticked smile, you'd never know the strength that lied within.

In short, she made it look easy.

Until next week lovelies...

And this the life we chose 

Working all night 

Swear I'm never going broke

And  I'm-a  do this till I die

And I ain't talkin' sh*t

Just 'cause  I'm, just 'cause I'm...

(I'm high)

~ Chris Brown

 

   

  

The Moon. The Stars. The Easter.

Dolls,

Well, I'd like to say I survived Friday's powerful full moon unscathed - but I'd be lying.

I am suffering a bit today - as the champagne campaign was in FULL effect for Easter last night.
Like my dinner date T said this morning "We're fabulous one day, hot messes the next!"
(Prosecco in Soho, empty wallets be damned.)

Where do I begin?

With the crazy drunk man nearly dropping a table (on himself!) when I got to work on Saturday morning?
I suppose we should have called the cops, but were all so...shocked.
(He later went on to mop the sidewalk - I took the opportunity to lock the door)
Needless to say he was fired.
He was the THIRD member of staff to be axed last week.

How about the guy who faked an identity to get me to call him?
I'm serious.
I took a break from men and alcohol last week, so his text message went unanswered.
What did he do?  Left a message pretending to be a client, fake name and all.
(Turns out he's also after my friend and still legally married)

I don't make this up.

Throw in a religious holiday and it's one big cocktail of frayed nerves, homesickness, and heightened emotions.
Thank God (quite literally) for church.
I didn't realize how powerful yesterday's service was until I emailed my friend C to tell her about it.
I cried.

We know that Jesus died, and that there was a resurrection.
But now what?
Like the assistant minister said, it's an incomplete sentence.

"He died, he is rose...so therefore..."
"...I'll be a better person?"
"...I'll be more forgiving?"
"...I'll have more compassion towards others?"

How do we want our OWN sentences to finish?
Not just with our faith, but our lives?
I'd like to mine to finish by knowing that the recent sacrifices I've made were worth it.
I'd like to be less stubborn when my feelings are hurt.

I remember when my best friend and I were lunching on a patio a while back.
An old lady was eating nearby...as she was leaving she said to us:
 "Girls, if you do anything at all - just have fun!"

Well.
I'm certainly doing that.

Until next week...

I'd like to greet the sun each morning

And walk amongst the stars at night

I'd like to know the taste of honey in my life

In my life

~ Lionel Richie

Is that all there is?

Hi Lovelies,

Well it's a gorgeous day and I'm a little grouchy.
(Do people still say grouchy?  I'm bringing it back)
Forgive me, St Patrick's Day has come and gone and I'm left with a green manicure and slight hangover.

Where was I?

I've been thinking a lot about chemistry and physical attraction.
Remember that Sex & the City episode "I Love a Charade," when the girls go to the Hamptons for Bobby and Bitsy's wedding? 
Bobby was clearly a gay man, and Bitsy was far too old not to know the truth.
Throughout the ceremony jokes were cracked, as everyone scratched their heads wondering "WHY?!"

Just how important is sexual chemistry?
(For me - on a scale of 1 to 10 I'd say it's about 49.)
What do you do when you meet someone who's all the right things, but there's no "spark?"
Is it worth exploring?

My roommate B advised "Well, go with your gut..." to which I quickly responded, "My gut has made mistakes!"
God knows there are PLENTY of sparks out there with no substance or no family values - but they sure come with a whole lotta fun.
Perhaps I've been spoiled.

Or maybe the problem isn't that don't know what I want - it's that I DO.
Because one thing I discovered while I was in Miami, I really enjoy being single.
Am I avoiding intimacy?
Or am I just embracing my true feelings?

I mean, I haven't sold myself short thus far, why start now?
Carrie said it best at the end of the "Charade" episode:
"Some people are settling down, some people are settling...and some people refuse to settle, for anything less than butterflies..."

And don't worry darlings, it's not like I've given up on true love or anything...but for now, let's enjoy the springtime, shall we?

Until next week...

Is that all there is?

Is that all there is?

If that's all there is my friends, than let's keep dancing

Let's break the out booze and have a ball

If that's all, there is

~ Peggy Lee 

Strike 3.

I'm calling people out.

Yes it's been that type of week.
While Valentine's Day was deliciously (and drunkenly) filled with magic moments (always happens when I'm with Drew) the hangover left me seeing rather clearly.

And unlike MOST of my life, I haven't been afraid to say something.
Family, friends, dates, co-workers, employers, it's time to say what's on my mind.
As my friend S just said on the phone:
"Well now we know we've spent the better part of our lives afraid of being yelled at - but not anymore!"

It's true.
Afraid of hurting other people's feelings will always cause you to bury yours.
Unfortunately - so many of us were raised that way.

So why am I on this tear now?
I guess it started in 2011.  The year I'd rather forget.
Everyone I was close to was in agony and we all spent a good part of the year crying.
On top of that, I had to deal with abusive types at work and at home.

Being raised Christian and discouraged from using my voice growing up, I stood back and waited for these people to unravel - which naturally they did.
Like I always say: "People eventually reveal themselves"
Meaning; If someone is nasty to me for no reason - it's a matter of time before they show that side to everyone.

That's the wonderful (and terrible) thing about being a woman and looking like a girl - these haters are often clueless to my inner strength and wisdom.
Until I let them know.

No more mistaking kindness for weakness.
It IS 2012 after all.

Until next week darlings,

I think I'll follow my heart

It's a very good place to start

~ Madonna

Modern Family

Hi Guys!

I'm here in my post-Superbowl-champagne-haze glory.
(Barely.)

February brings with it a lot more than championship football.
Yup, it's that time of year again folks: Valentine's Day.
(Or as Bill Maher calls it "The holiday designed to make single people feel like shit.")

While I've been mating and dating all over Gotham City since the new year began, I'll be spending the night of the 14th with my best gay boyfriend, Drew. 
I've spent Christmases and Thanksgiving with him and his family. 
Everyone is welcome, everyone has fun.

I remember hearing Candace Bushnell (author of Sex & The City) speak when I was still living in Toronto.  During the question and answer period, a woman asked the writer why we didn't see main character's family on the show.

Having lived in NY before, I knew what Bushnell was going to say:
"The show is about Carrie Bradshaw and her friends...when you move to New York City, your friends become your family."
Ain't that the truth.

When we immigrated from Cape Town to Toronto all those years ago, a huge community awaited us (even at the airport!) making a difficult transition that much easier.
While many people follow jobs and spouses to the Big Apple, most of us come here alone.
And unless you've done it, you will never know how tough it really is.

Everything you feel is amplified when you're out of your comfort zone. 
Joy, pain, pleasure, and of course, loneliness.
The best part of vulnerability I suppose - is that it forces you to open your heart and let new people in.

I didn't go the "traditional" route of getting married and having children.
And I may never.  Who knows?
But I absolutely have a family - that I created all by myself. 

It's my proudest New York accomplishment so far.

If you let me, here's what I'll do

I'll take care of you

~Rihanna & Drake

Paradise Island.

Mama's got a headache.
Too little sleep, too much wine and way too many laughs...
Here we go again.

In the midst of mine and K's "I've given up on men" conversations, I got this email from a twitter friend last night: 
"You had tweeted something to me about dating recently - how goes it!?! I hear NY is a Dater's paradise."
(He was responding to this blog.)

Paradise: land, feeling of great pleasure; absence of evil.

In New York City, the seeking of "great pleasure" is the reason we get out of bed at all!
The pursuit of fashion, alcohol, drugs, caffeine, sex (and more sex!) is the fuel to our fire. 
Carrie Bradshaw wasn't kidding around.

What Carrie and the girls DIDN'T have to deal with tho, was text-messaging.
(Can you imagine how much more Samantha would have gotten laid if they had?!)

Over the past few weeks, I've been invited out last minute and surprised (at work) by my growing number of boyfriends.  Last night was no exception. 
I was beckoned to "come over and cuddle" after a 14 hour shift at the bar. 
As tempted as I was, what I REALLY needed was a cocktail and a shower.

K and I agonized over what my next move/response should be (with shrieks of laughter) for an hour.  (Meanwhile, we had to deal with her romantic situation involving a man who asked only to be referred to as "that Jew from Brooklyn.")

In my attempt to sound coy and flirty, I sent him a message that made no sense (I forgot to add a word) and he responded asking if I was questioning his underwear. 
And the hits just keep on coming.

The problem with text messaging is that it while it allows for spontaneous planning - what it DOESN'T do is wash your hair provide you with fresh clothes. 
(It did however, hook us up with PLENTY of laughter.  An ab exercise of hysterics.)

In the end, I didn't make it over to his place.
I was far too busy enjoying my friends.
(Bonus: ended up meeting someone new in the process)

May the year of fun continue.

Until next week...

I'm not ruling you out
I'm just in doubt

As to what you say you're all about
~ Amy Winehouse

 














     

Part 2 - Joy & Opportunity.

Hi there, me again.

This post is a continuation of "I say a little prayer for you," my last blog...
While I could have written a NOVEL, with all those thoughts in my head (I suppose that's my next move isn't it?) I wanted to give you some space to take it all in.

As mentioned yesterday, I put a request out into the Heavens and got my wish almost immediately.

What I want to talk about today is when we DON'T say a prayer, and God hooks us up regardless.
A job, contact, or even romance...can just "show up" unannounced and wait to be invited in.
(In my case online romance - seriously I'm getting these guys mixed up now, it's hysterical)

My friend got a call last week about writing a TV show for his friend. 
He came to me (we work well together) and we had a decent (funny) pilot written in less than 2 days.
I was very proud.

We didn't just "stop" what we were doing either. 
We still had jobs to do etc., but we MADE the time to get it done.
I had dates and drinks planned - and I canceled them
 
There were sooo many times - especially when I was pursuing acting, that opportunities like these were OFFERED to me and I turned them down and/or made excuses.

Not this time. 
Not this year.

........................................................

Right before I left for church on Sunday, I got an email from my darling friend C.
Her new husband found something that he thought was an old receipt and noticed it was a hand-written affirmation.
It was in my hand-writing.
Something I had given C YEARS ago:

"It is safe for me to experience joy in every aspect of my life. I love life." (Louise Hay)

Now, my mantra for 2012 thus far has been "It's time to start having fun again."
But isn't Joy just Fun's older and WISER cousin?

I'm going to use this affirmation for the next week (and boy do I need it, I've been cranky) and see where it takes me. 
I'll let you know how it goes.

Until week next my loves...

Little darling, the smiles returning to the faces
Little darling, it seems like years since it's been here
Here comes the sun
Here comes the sun, and I say
It's all right

~ The Beatles

   

I say a little prayer for you...

Hi Lovelies,

First of all, this was not my intended title or topic.
My original post was to be about when Opportunity knocks, and you smartly (and finally) open the door to let him in.

Let me start from the beginning.

Not only did I start 2012 with online dating and a declaration of "fun," I also began a time-management program that my boss bought for the office. 
It's not only a to-do list of sorts, but way of looking at your life and fully deciding on what it is that you TRULY want.

In a quick brain-storming exercise, I wrote down that I'd like to go to church again. (I work weekends and had stopped going)
Well.
That request was answered SO quickly, I had almost forgotten that I put the prayer out there.
Thanks to a sudden schedule change, Sunday opened up.

I can shamefully admit, that when I get what I want too easily, I nearly always panic and find a way to look a gift-horse in the mouth. 
I work like hell to push the good away - so that I have a reason to complain. 
Work, family, friends, relationships, money.  It's always something.

At church yesterday, the service was about exactly that.
While we are quick to find fault with people, and treat our daily dramas as "emergencies," the only REAL emergency is our relationship with God. 
It is the only thing that lasts forever.

It's not like we take our latest manicure and skinny jeans with us when we die (although I probably will) so the soul is all we've got folks.

Knowing this, makes the irregularities of Life a little bit easier to digest.
Don't be afraid to ask for what you need darlings, you just may get it still.

To be continued...

The moment I wake up

Before I put on my makeup

I say a little prayer for you

~ Burt Bacharach for Dionne Warwick

(& Aretha Franklin)

Dating Call.

Helloooooo....

Well 2012 is in full swing and I'm proud to say the melancholy of last week has taken a leave of absence.

I've been far too busy going out to worry about the post-Christmas blues...
I had never tried online dating sites before kept promising myself I'd check it out one day "just to see."

What a fool I've been!
Went out with three lovely suitors last week, all gentlemen, all handsome.
(All with cool jobs!)

Yes, of course there are some crazies out there.
And sadly, lots of guys like to talk about dating from the comfort of their computers, as opposed to actually doing it.

And who are we kidding, would any one of my companions have passed up the chance to end up 'back at my place' at the end of the night?
Not bloody likely.

Just as I vow this to be my "year of fun," self-respect is still the order of the day.

One thing I hadn't bargained for was the vulnerability that comes with putting my heart on the line.  It's a little scary, I won't lie.
Especially when you meet someone that you'd love to see again.

There may not be sex in the city (just yet) but there are plenty of fish in the sea.

More next week.

I've got the sweetest hangover

I don't wanna get over...

~ Diana Ross

       

The Party's Over.

Well Darlings,
While my last post was a look-back at the past, this one is very much rooted in the present.

It's here.
The most anti-climactic month of the year - January.
No more cookies, no more parties, no more cards.
No more crowds.
Just the hangover from it all.

Growing up in Canada, January is a BRUTAL month weather-wise.
Spring feels like miles away, as the temps drop lower and lower.
My friend C and I fondly coined the phrase "Jan in Can" while emailing one day, just to cheer each other up.

I am deep in the the throws of this melancholy, lifted only by the fact that 2011 is over.

While I evaluate where I am and where I'm going for the new year, a part of me still wants to say "Merry Christmas."
Or at least capture the feeling that comes along with saying it.

Don't get me wrong, 2012 is the "year of fun" as promised.
I'm already laughing more.
And for the life of me - I cannot keep up with the many emails thanks to an online dating site I just joined.
This should be good.

More next week.....

In my heart the fire's burnin'
Choose my color find a star
Precious people always tell me
That's a step, a step too far

~ Culture Club

I'm just a girl...

Alright.

What is with men and not being able to PLAN a date?
I mean, I can't POSSIBLY be the only one in New york City that's busy running around...
If you ask me when I've "available" to go out - I'm likely to say NEVER because I'm occupied.

However.
A little 'heads up' and advanced notice?
Then darling, I'm allllll yours.
Trust me, I will find the time.

Now you know.
-xo-

Calling Samantha Jones...

Question:
What kind of guy sends naked pics minutes after meeting you and then acts "surprised" by the date-booty-call-mixed-signal confusion??

Sigh.
I need to move to a place with more innocence. 
Thank God for church. (Pun intended)

In other news, High Tea at Saks was to die.
OK OK, I'll stay.
After all, there is only one Manhattan.

When it's three o'clock in New York, it's still 1938 in London.

~ Bette Milder