Much ado about Everything

Dolls,

There is this nagging feeling that something needs to change.
If you've been following this blog over the last few months than you know something already has.  Our family suffered a devastating loss and we are all still recovering from it.
Or at least trying to.

I've come to the conclusion that there is no making "sense" of the fact that my cousin lost his beautiful daughter - or that she was chosen to suffer from an illness the last 5 years of her life.
I do know that it makes me sad.
And I doubt that there will come a time when it won't.

In my own life, I feel "stuck" emotionally and physically.
I twisted my ankle recently and am unable to exercise...between that and 'grief eating' the weight gain is noticeable.  It's just where I'm at right now.
I make no excuses.

I once read that when we don't want to be vulnerable, we will 'develop' a layer of fat to protect ourselves from being hurt.
Interesting.
Before Alison passed away, 2012 was on it's way to becoming one of the best years ever.
I was traveling, dating, drinking, dancing.

I'm almost embarrassed by my blogs prior to that fateful phone call.
But that's how it was then - and at the very least, I was making the most of my life.
Or so I thought.
I've realized something; somewhere along the way I stopped Dreaming Big.

What happened to my ambition?
Did it get lost in day-to-day life?

I was never "just" a dreamer.
I always to managed to somehow forge ahead and walk the talk.
(That's why the extra pounds ain't bothering me, I'll lose it, watch me.)
I remember when an old friend (also named Alison) counted the qualities in her friends that she most admired - mine was loyalty and ambition.

The problem is that loyalty always came first - and I spent much of my life trying to rescue people who couldn't even help themselves.  Or didn't want to.
As a result, my own needs were swallowed.
My NY Mom, Deb, said it best;
"If I were to die, you would take the day off work to come to my funeral - but you can't be there for me when I'm alive?"
Bingo.

In many ways, I'm not only mourning a loss, I'm mourning the old Me.
And the people that I used to know.

It's not about being cold and callus.
It's about being clear.
Or, as an email sent to me by my real mom said; surrounding yourself with "those who add and multiply making you more than you are - not those who subtract and divide, thereby devaluing you."

SIGH.

I was messaging with my cousin Kiana the other night and it was such an important conversation for us both.  I don't know HOW her and her sister have managed to hold it together in the wake of Alison's death, but they have.  She told me that Alison wanted to become a social worker.  Through my tears, I replied, "She IS a social worker.  She brought the family closer together, and in a strange way has us reevaluating our own lives as we know it."

It's true.
Some decisions have to be made - I can't avoid them forever.
In the meantime, I'll allow myself time to heal.
Physically and emotionally.

Until next week -xo-

Lady picture show

She hides behind the bedroom door

Lady picture show

She  hides behind the bedroom wall

She hides because she don't know nothin'

Don't know nothin' anymore

She keeps a funny face it's locked and bagged

It's just outside the door

She doesn't know her name

She doesn't know her face

She doesn't know her name

She doesn't know her face

~ Stone Temple Pilots

Sexes & The City.

I would rather be a beggar and single than married and Queen.

~ Queen Elizabeth 1533-1603 (aka the Virgin Queen) 

Lovelies Hello!

My apologies for the 2 week blog break.

It was not my intention but work as has been hectic.

More than anything tho, I was taking a break from myself.

You know when you're going through the motions, eating whatever and not working out?

That's pretty much what I've been doing - and working 6-7 days a week. 

I always view it like I'm "skimming the surface" so-to-speak, no writing or deep thought, just getting through it.

In doing so, I came across an article by Rebecca Traister in June's Marie Claire magazine - called "Love and the Single Girl."  In it, Traister talks about the rise of the unmarried woman.  Single women have been getting a lot of press lately.  Some good, some bad, some political.  But for most us, it's just life as usual.

http://www.marieclaire.com/sex-love/single-girl-trend?click=main_sr

For those of you who follow this blog - you are aware of the bad dates, the 'champagne campaigns,' and of course The Miami.  I make no claims of singlehood being easy, nor do I hide the fact that (for the most part) I'm having the time of my life.  JUST when I start to feel "amiss" as to why I can't seem to "settle down already" an article like this comes along and makes it all better.

Or does it?

I believe it was my last blog (or was it the one before?) I had mentioned my crush on a certain football player that gave me butterflies for the first time in ages...

Well, that son-of-a-bitch stood me up recently (no explanation, no apology) and I cut him off.  Was I too harsh?  Or was I smart enough to know that forgiving him would have set the stage for future disappointment?  More than likely, the latter.

I say this because, it came to my attention recently that not one, but TWO close friends had been in near-violent altercations with their (now ex) boyfriends.  I was horrified.  I know in both situations these men had showed ugly sides of themselves before, and still my friends stayed.

Not only are these women smart and beautiful (and career driven, and independent) they are also what I consider my "free-spirit" friends.  You know, the people that you go to when you need to be encouraged but still offer advice deeply rooted in reality?  I don't think I even need to tell you that they 'knew better' than to be treated like this.  

Both come from loving homes with good fathers.  Like the wise women they are, they are moving forward like champions.  They are survivors.      

I can give many MANY more examples of poor treatment and settling that have been done by all of us, God knows I've made some mistakes.  But I was smart enough not to marry it.  (Thankfully so were they.)

Flirting with Danger is fun, I've done it.  It keeps life interesting.

Hell, even sex with Danger is a thrill - but I ain't making a life with him, or putting up with his abusive bullshit.

I've been through too much to lower my standards now.

I'd like to thank Marie Claire and Rebecca Traister for an article that made me feel like I'm part of a movement rooted in independence and self-worth.  It's much better than "spinster" and "selfish."  Like my friend and acting teacher Richard McKenna told me years ago "it's just as important to know what you DON'T want as it is to know what you do."

If I know that I don't want to be with someone who makes me feel guilty for being who I am, or (FOR FUCK'S SAKE) threatens to hit me - then so be it.  

If this post is longer and more serious in tone that the others it's because I'm aware of how many YOUNG women are reading.

And I take that position seriously. 

I owe it to you girls - but most importantly, you owe it to yourselves.

I worked hard and sacrificed to get what I get

Ladies it ain't easy being independent

~ Destiny's Child

Spring Cleaning.

Well, It's here.
My birthday week.

March 1st usually greets me JUST as I'm slipping out of my long winter's coma...
It's like God leans down and whispers:
"It's OK to come outside now - your friends want to see you...Don't worry, spring is coming like it always does."

This year it's different.
I'm heading south.
That's right darlings, a much-needed (and deserved) vacation in Florida awaits.
North Beach.  South Beach.  Fort Lauderdale.
Anywhere the wind takes me.

Naturally I'm giddy with anticipation.
Not only will I be relaxing in the sun, I'll be re-connecting with my friends who live there.
Sweet.

The lead up hasn't been easy though.
Two weeks ago I began a 'cleanse' that came with protein shakes, vitamins, and tough diet restrictions.
No alcohol, coffee, red meat, or dairy.
Four of the days days (tho not in a row) are liquids only.
Ouch.

While shedding a few pounds is a bonus for any beach vacation, it was high time for a detox.
Was red wine becoming a bad habit?
Yes.
Had it been this way for a while?
Yes.

The line between a socializing and alcoholism is a fine one in New York City, and if you work at a bar, that line doesn't exit.
It was time to check myself.

Not surprisingly, I'm hungry.
But for much more than just food.
I find myself dreaming bigger than I have in a long time.

Maybe my worst habit of all has been settling for less.
Did I mention I gave up the phrase "I can't" for Lent?
I also gave up junk food.
The best news is, not only am I feeling like my old self again - I'm starting to look that way too.

More on that later.
It's time to pack.

Until next week my loves....

This feeling can't be beat

It's coursing through my whole bod-y

Feel the heat

~ Madonna