2013.

It's been a while darlings.
Three months to be exact.
A bit longer than that, actually.

I don't really have a reason or excuse for my absence...yes I'd been working a lot - but that has always been the case. 
It's hard to talk (or write) about what you feel when you're unsure of what "it" is.
If anything, I guess I'm a little disenfranchised...
Not with this blog, (or you my lovely reader) but with Life in general.

My last post took place right before Christmas...
I entered 2013 completely and totally exhausted.
Emotionally, physically, psychologically and especially spiritually.
That last part's not easy to admit.
 I mean, Life is generally "easier" if you believe God has a plan for you, isn't it?

In many ways, 2012 was 2 years in one.

The first 7 months were pure ignorant bliss...
I quoted a Jersey Shore cast member by exclaiming "Life is a holiday!"
And it was.
I breezed to Miami for my birthday, schmoozed in Hollywood, dated online, and made this blog a weekly column.

Three weeks into July, all of that changed with the sudden death of our cousin Alison. 
The grief that followed can't even be described here.  And for me it was more than grief, it was isolation as my family lives in another city. 
My year was quite literally ripped in half.

Everything that I knew to be real was gone.

I don't think I mentioned this before, but at the time of Alison's death I had begun seeing someone. 
We had spoken about becoming more serious about a week prior to that horrible news - and when I asked if he could come over, he didn't.
I haven't seen him since.
 
While modern technology has allowed me to express myself in this really cool way, I am going to say something important so please pay attention:
A text message and/or phone call will not save someone who is drowning. You have to JUMP INTO the water and get wet if you want your loved one see another day.

And to those of you who did that for me last year, thank you.
You helped bring me back to Life.

The discussion at my church tonight is about forgiveness.  I won't be going.
I'm not quite there yet.
But I am back.
And I've missed you.

Until next week...

Little Darling

I feel that ice is slowly melting

Little Darling

It seems like years since it's been clear

Here comes the sun

Here comes the sun, and I say

It's all right

~ The Beatles



Heavy.

Hi darlings.

Well I had planned on writing part 2 of my last post.
But the events of the last few days caused to come to come to this computer quite unexpectedly.

Well the good news is, I became an aunt again!
To a beautiful little girl - so exciting for my brother and his growing family.
It's nice when there's something "bright" happening in our lives after such a difficult year.

The next morning, my cousin Gary and his daughter Jaclyn were on the radio live in Toronto discussing donations to a charity on behalf of Alison's memory.  You could hear the pain in everyones voices including the morning show announcers - Christmas will be tough.

I dosed back off after listening online, and awoke to find out about the shootings in Newtown.
The blanket of grief that has covered us since Alison's death came back in floods.
(I was emotional enough after hearing my family on the radio, but I was also really proud.  To use a tragedy to help others is God in action right there)

The death of a young person just hits you at a different angle once you've experienced it in your own life.  Nothing is ever the same.  It's a punch in the stomach.  (In fact the same sentiment was echoed by comedian Chelsea Handler in a recent interview with Katie Couric.  Her brother died in an accident when she was 10.) 

A family is never the same.

I felt this when my friend lost his sister in August, and then again when my friend's ex boyfriend committed suicide.  News headlines are no different.  I felt sick when hearing about NFL player Torrey Smith's brother dying so young.  Then came the news out of Newtown.

It's unfathomable.

The range of emotions (in just over 24 hours) that happened with the birth of my niece, to hearing my brave cousins on the radio, to the shootings in Connecticut is hard to explain.
It's just....heavy.

I had plans on on Friday evening.
And I thank God because I may not have been able to get out of bed otherwise.

I don't really have any advice or words of wisdom. 
But tomorrow I'll be returning to church for the first time since Alison died.  (And it's the Christmas concert which has me in tears during the BEST of times, so wish me luck)

While a biblical  service can't replace loved ones that went too soon, there is comfort in knowing that we're not alone - and that we grieve together.

Until next week...

We're beautiful like Diamonds in the sky

Rihanna

There Is No Greater Love...

Hi Lovelies,

I don't really have much of a topic today I'm afraid.
My mood matches the cold damp weather, I wasn't even going to write.
But then I thought - am I REALLY going to sit at home and continue crying?

Like American professor of psychology Abraham Maslow once said:
"A musician must make music, an artist must paint, a poet must write, if he is to ultimately be at peace with himself." 
So dammit here I am.

Want to know the strangest thing?
I've been crying since my parents left, I could not be more disenfranchised with the opposite sex (again) and yet - I cannot get the song "There is no greater love" out of my head.
(To think, I was declaring "I hate everybody!" shortly before crying myself to sleep last night.)

The 1936 jazz standard has been covered by everyone from Dinah Washington to Amy Winehouse, it's an optimistic look at falling in love...truly, madly deeply. 
I fell asleep with the song in my head - and woke up with it as well.
"You're the sweetest thing, that I've ever known - and to think that you are mine, alone..."

It's just so...romantic.
How could I be so CONSCIOUSLY miserable, with my subconscious dancing to this lovely little number?  

As God would have it, "mixed emotions" was the sermon at church yesterday...
Walking in faith that you're on the right path - when there is no tangible proof, is bloody hard.
We have to dig DEEP into the well and recall a time when things DID go smoothly and our footing was strong.

Well.
My idealistic side (and evil sense of humor) have always gotten me through the rain, this time and this funk will be no different.
I mean, it got me to write today.
Tears and all.

Until next week...

There is no great love than what I feel for you

No greater love, no heart so true

There is no greater thrill, than what you bring to me

No sweeter song, than what you sing to me

~ Don Darcy, Billie Holiday, Dinah Washington etc., 

The Moon. The Stars. The Easter.

Dolls,

Well, I'd like to say I survived Friday's powerful full moon unscathed - but I'd be lying.

I am suffering a bit today - as the champagne campaign was in FULL effect for Easter last night.
Like my dinner date T said this morning "We're fabulous one day, hot messes the next!"
(Prosecco in Soho, empty wallets be damned.)

Where do I begin?

With the crazy drunk man nearly dropping a table (on himself!) when I got to work on Saturday morning?
I suppose we should have called the cops, but were all so...shocked.
(He later went on to mop the sidewalk - I took the opportunity to lock the door)
Needless to say he was fired.
He was the THIRD member of staff to be axed last week.

How about the guy who faked an identity to get me to call him?
I'm serious.
I took a break from men and alcohol last week, so his text message went unanswered.
What did he do?  Left a message pretending to be a client, fake name and all.
(Turns out he's also after my friend and still legally married)

I don't make this up.

Throw in a religious holiday and it's one big cocktail of frayed nerves, homesickness, and heightened emotions.
Thank God (quite literally) for church.
I didn't realize how powerful yesterday's service was until I emailed my friend C to tell her about it.
I cried.

We know that Jesus died, and that there was a resurrection.
But now what?
Like the assistant minister said, it's an incomplete sentence.

"He died, he is rose...so therefore..."
"...I'll be a better person?"
"...I'll be more forgiving?"
"...I'll have more compassion towards others?"

How do we want our OWN sentences to finish?
Not just with our faith, but our lives?
I'd like to mine to finish by knowing that the recent sacrifices I've made were worth it.
I'd like to be less stubborn when my feelings are hurt.

I remember when my best friend and I were lunching on a patio a while back.
An old lady was eating nearby...as she was leaving she said to us:
 "Girls, if you do anything at all - just have fun!"

Well.
I'm certainly doing that.

Until next week...

I'd like to greet the sun each morning

And walk amongst the stars at night

I'd like to know the taste of honey in my life

In my life

~ Lionel Richie

I say a little prayer for you...

Hi Lovelies,

First of all, this was not my intended title or topic.
My original post was to be about when Opportunity knocks, and you smartly (and finally) open the door to let him in.

Let me start from the beginning.

Not only did I start 2012 with online dating and a declaration of "fun," I also began a time-management program that my boss bought for the office. 
It's not only a to-do list of sorts, but way of looking at your life and fully deciding on what it is that you TRULY want.

In a quick brain-storming exercise, I wrote down that I'd like to go to church again. (I work weekends and had stopped going)
Well.
That request was answered SO quickly, I had almost forgotten that I put the prayer out there.
Thanks to a sudden schedule change, Sunday opened up.

I can shamefully admit, that when I get what I want too easily, I nearly always panic and find a way to look a gift-horse in the mouth. 
I work like hell to push the good away - so that I have a reason to complain. 
Work, family, friends, relationships, money.  It's always something.

At church yesterday, the service was about exactly that.
While we are quick to find fault with people, and treat our daily dramas as "emergencies," the only REAL emergency is our relationship with God. 
It is the only thing that lasts forever.

It's not like we take our latest manicure and skinny jeans with us when we die (although I probably will) so the soul is all we've got folks.

Knowing this, makes the irregularities of Life a little bit easier to digest.
Don't be afraid to ask for what you need darlings, you just may get it still.

To be continued...

The moment I wake up

Before I put on my makeup

I say a little prayer for you

~ Burt Bacharach for Dionne Warwick

(& Aretha Franklin)