Moment-um (Part 1)

Hi Loves,

Hope all is well with you during this Festive Season...it can be stressful that's for sure.
Holidays bring up all SORTS of stuff. 
Money, (or lack thereof) food (too much!) and of course, family.

This is a very tough time for my loved ones, as we continue to mourn the loss of my cousin Alison -the first Christmas without her. 
I cannot imagine what it is like for her parents and sister.
My own anger put a dark veil on life's landscape - what must their pain be like?

I shudder.
I pray.

As of December 1st I stopped using the phrase "I hate everybody." 
It's a phrase that's jokingly (or not so jokingly) been used by my friends & I for quite some time, but after Alison's passing it took a more resentful tone.  I've done enough reading and self-care to know that our words and thoughts create our future - what am I creating by "fun" anger and bitterness?

Yes of course a huge part of it is grief.

But the main reason I stopped saying "hate" is because I came to the realization that SOMEWHERE along the line I began believing that Life is a struggle and everything is so damn hard.  (And this was before Alison died.)  I have a roof over my head, I live in the greatest city in the world and most of all, I've created a life for myself.

Like my best friend said the other night on the phone "We've always questioned ourselves and taken action - we're not people who just let Life happen to them."   
Then what the hell is my bloody problem?
When did cynicism set in?

Well, I decided to go back to the book that started it all for me (over a decade ago) and re-ordered Louise L. Hay's "You Can Heal Your Life."  Even though I've read a the book a million times, I find myself really resisting her message "what you put out comes back to you."  What about the friends that let you down (or worse) the family who's not there when you need them?

What about all the evil and injustice in this world? 

Do we really attract EVERY bad experience?
(And before we hate on Louise Hay, this is a woman who was raped, had a baby in high school, beat cancer and helped AIDS patients when they had NO support from the medical community in the early 80s.)

Now in her 8th decade, she continues to tell people "It's never too late to change.  If I can do it, so can you..."

Because I ordered a recent copy of the book, it came with a DVD. 
Much like "The Secret" there are host of self-help gurus and speakers who talk passionately throughout...and even though I had it on in "the background" (while doing my nails) I cried and cried.

I don't want to become someone that only laments about what's not fair and what is difficult.
Life's too short.

It always makes me sad to see the posts from Alison's friends who say they miss her encouragement and advice when they are down.
How did she manage to encourage anyone between her hospital stays and health problems?
Perhaps even as a teen she knew that Life is what you make it no matter WHAT hand you're dealt.

Because ultimately, that's the truth.

To be continued...    

Tired of living day to day like everything's alright

Just waiting on that moment

Waiting on my moment

~ DJ Drama 

Much ado about Everything

Dolls,

There is this nagging feeling that something needs to change.
If you've been following this blog over the last few months than you know something already has.  Our family suffered a devastating loss and we are all still recovering from it.
Or at least trying to.

I've come to the conclusion that there is no making "sense" of the fact that my cousin lost his beautiful daughter - or that she was chosen to suffer from an illness the last 5 years of her life.
I do know that it makes me sad.
And I doubt that there will come a time when it won't.

In my own life, I feel "stuck" emotionally and physically.
I twisted my ankle recently and am unable to exercise...between that and 'grief eating' the weight gain is noticeable.  It's just where I'm at right now.
I make no excuses.

I once read that when we don't want to be vulnerable, we will 'develop' a layer of fat to protect ourselves from being hurt.
Interesting.
Before Alison passed away, 2012 was on it's way to becoming one of the best years ever.
I was traveling, dating, drinking, dancing.

I'm almost embarrassed by my blogs prior to that fateful phone call.
But that's how it was then - and at the very least, I was making the most of my life.
Or so I thought.
I've realized something; somewhere along the way I stopped Dreaming Big.

What happened to my ambition?
Did it get lost in day-to-day life?

I was never "just" a dreamer.
I always to managed to somehow forge ahead and walk the talk.
(That's why the extra pounds ain't bothering me, I'll lose it, watch me.)
I remember when an old friend (also named Alison) counted the qualities in her friends that she most admired - mine was loyalty and ambition.

The problem is that loyalty always came first - and I spent much of my life trying to rescue people who couldn't even help themselves.  Or didn't want to.
As a result, my own needs were swallowed.
My NY Mom, Deb, said it best;
"If I were to die, you would take the day off work to come to my funeral - but you can't be there for me when I'm alive?"
Bingo.

In many ways, I'm not only mourning a loss, I'm mourning the old Me.
And the people that I used to know.

It's not about being cold and callus.
It's about being clear.
Or, as an email sent to me by my real mom said; surrounding yourself with "those who add and multiply making you more than you are - not those who subtract and divide, thereby devaluing you."

SIGH.

I was messaging with my cousin Kiana the other night and it was such an important conversation for us both.  I don't know HOW her and her sister have managed to hold it together in the wake of Alison's death, but they have.  She told me that Alison wanted to become a social worker.  Through my tears, I replied, "She IS a social worker.  She brought the family closer together, and in a strange way has us reevaluating our own lives as we know it."

It's true.
Some decisions have to be made - I can't avoid them forever.
In the meantime, I'll allow myself time to heal.
Physically and emotionally.

Until next week -xo-

Lady picture show

She hides behind the bedroom door

Lady picture show

She  hides behind the bedroom wall

She hides because she don't know nothin'

Don't know nothin' anymore

She keeps a funny face it's locked and bagged

It's just outside the door

She doesn't know her name

She doesn't know her face

She doesn't know her name

She doesn't know her face

~ Stone Temple Pilots

Limited Time Offer.

Sweethearts,

So much to say and nothing to write.
Time is at a stand still it sucks.
Mercury is in retrograde.

(From www.astrology.com)
What happens when Mercury retrogrades? You miss appointments, your computer equipment crashes, checks get lost, you find the car you just purchased during Mercury retrograde is a lemon...There will be countless delays, cancellations and postponements--but know these will benefit you in the long run. Don't fight them, although your frustration level and feeling of restlessness will be hard to cope with at times.

Frustrated?  Check.
RESTLESS?  Yup.
Hard to cope?  Jackpot
If any of you are feeling this way, trust me, I have you in my prayers.
(As I write this, I have had NUMEROUS problems with blogger and am not even sure you'll be able to read this post!)

The shitty part about moments like this, is that all you can do is "wait it out."
Patience is NOT always a virtue, and it's easy to feel like you're going nuts.
I know I do.
With the exception of one or two loved ones, I feel disconnected from most of the people in my life and need to withdraw.

If you are an "action" person like myself, then you know how difficult standing still can be.
(I'll just sit here meditating while my life figures itself out!)
Dammit man.

You can't force fate's hands - and when you do, (or try to) it usually proves disastrous.
It's just like that sometimes.

The good news?
I followed my heart and freed myself from a job that was taking more than it was giving.
As much as I appreciated the extra income and am grateful for my newfound friends, it served it's purpose.
It was time.

Time.
Isn't it amazing how much more valuable time is than money?
Other than our health, it really is our most precious resource.
Almost IMMEDIATELY other job opportunities came to me, so I know I made the right choice.
But I won't follow up on any of them just yet.

I will humbly practice some patience and wait.

Don't make me feel any colder

Time is like a clock in my heart

Touch we touch was the heat too much

I felt I lost you from the start

~ Culture Club

Spring Cleaning.

Well, It's here.
My birthday week.

March 1st usually greets me JUST as I'm slipping out of my long winter's coma...
It's like God leans down and whispers:
"It's OK to come outside now - your friends want to see you...Don't worry, spring is coming like it always does."

This year it's different.
I'm heading south.
That's right darlings, a much-needed (and deserved) vacation in Florida awaits.
North Beach.  South Beach.  Fort Lauderdale.
Anywhere the wind takes me.

Naturally I'm giddy with anticipation.
Not only will I be relaxing in the sun, I'll be re-connecting with my friends who live there.
Sweet.

The lead up hasn't been easy though.
Two weeks ago I began a 'cleanse' that came with protein shakes, vitamins, and tough diet restrictions.
No alcohol, coffee, red meat, or dairy.
Four of the days days (tho not in a row) are liquids only.
Ouch.

While shedding a few pounds is a bonus for any beach vacation, it was high time for a detox.
Was red wine becoming a bad habit?
Yes.
Had it been this way for a while?
Yes.

The line between a socializing and alcoholism is a fine one in New York City, and if you work at a bar, that line doesn't exit.
It was time to check myself.

Not surprisingly, I'm hungry.
But for much more than just food.
I find myself dreaming bigger than I have in a long time.

Maybe my worst habit of all has been settling for less.
Did I mention I gave up the phrase "I can't" for Lent?
I also gave up junk food.
The best news is, not only am I feeling like my old self again - I'm starting to look that way too.

More on that later.
It's time to pack.

Until next week my loves....

This feeling can't be beat

It's coursing through my whole bod-y

Feel the heat

~ Madonna